If you’re wondering where Date A Live S2 is, I’ve decided to skip the show. I haven’t seen the first season of Date A Live, so I was already pretty hesitant to watch the sequel to begin with. So when I took a look at the sequel’s first episode, it ended up being an endless parade of characters I know nothing about. Now, I imagine that fans of the first season would have no problems recognizing these characters, but yeah, I don’t feel like going through all of that just to blog yet another harem anime. I’ve got more than enough material to cover anyway, so we’ll just stick with what we’ve got.

Kanojo ga Flag o Oraretara Ep. 2

• The cold opening dumps us right into a flashback. So… who might this be?

More worthless childhood friends, I’m sure.

• It sounds like a fucking dachshund is singing howling to me in the OP.

• Good lord, don’t tell me we’re going to get to know all of these girls throughout the course of this series:

But like Nisekoi, there’s really only two serious candidates for the bland harem lead’s affections, and they just happen to be sitting together with him at the top of the dormitory.

• The next day at school, Nanami is still mad that Souta had kissed Akane at the end of last week’s episode. Akane, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to have minded the bland harem lead’s actions one bit. But remember, Nanami’s the tsundere character of the show. As such, she’s gotta be all mean and shit… for now.

• Out of nowhere, a girl with a ladle charges into a classroom. Yes, a ladle:

Harem contestants in 2014 are so convenient! They already come pre-equipped for your kitchen!

• Like every obsessive girl ever, she dives for Souta’s lap. You’ll see this same shit happen in this week’s episode of Nisekoi. It’s like when harem anime series air in the same season, they sync up their tropes. As she straddles him, however, she squeals, “It’s moving! It’s moving! It’s real! It’s the real Sou!”

Then of course, there’s the obligatory boobplant with the equally obligatory squishy boobplanting noise. I mean, c’mon, unless her boobs make that noise, how would you know how big and soft they are?!

• So this new girl — her name is Kikuno — is Souta’s childhood friend. Actually, she’s older than him. But then why is she in his class, you ask? Well, she stayed back a year… and I swear, I’ve never seen anyone be so proud to announce to the entire world that she’s been held back like this girl:

But shit, if it means you can straddle your childhood friend, I guess being held back is worth it!

• But that ladle? Sure, I joked about her being pre-equipped for the kitchen, but she’s still holding onto it. Shit, is it superglued to her hand or what?

• Well, whatever, let’s get on with the plot already. Both Kikuno and Akane are really sad that Souta has to live in such a deathtrap of a dormitory. The two of them then swear to be great friends with Souta and Nanami, and in the end, the four of the hold hands and spin in a circle…

I guess this is supposed to be funny.

• Nanami asks Souta if there’s a flag above Kikuno’s head. Yes, yes there is. And it’s a sisterly love flag while we’re at it. Nanami then makes a great point: “If you don’t [topple her flag], she’ll treat you like a baby the rest of your life and never leave you be!” Naturally, our bland harem lead echos the sentiments of the show’s target audience: “Is there a problem with that?”

• Still, just because the tsunderekko desires it, Souta will try his best to topple Kikuno’s flag. Unfortunately, the flag seemingly dodges all of his best attempts. Welp, looks like someone’s going to be babied for life!

• Hey, remember bonnet girl from last week’s episode? Yeah, so our four characters end up at a tea house somehow — don’t even ask me how — and at this tea house, there’s the lil’ bonnet girl! By the way, she’s also the school’s elder:

When she opens her mouth, she talks like a baby, but despite this, the characters refer to her as baba-sama. Yes, this little girl in a bonnet is the grandmother of the show.

• But the character introductions are coming in hard and fast now as we meet yet another girl:

Sigh, okay… so what’s her schtick?

• Mimori just happens to be our obligatory student council president. And with her help, everyone’s going to renovate Souta’s crappy dormitory. Everyone then gets to work while baba-sama lectures Souta on how to appreciate people’s good will. Yawn.

• So in anime time, the shitty dormitory quickly becomes… this:

…well? Are we going to get a tour or what?

• During his move-in, Souta calls out for help from this… guy:

Yeah, dudes, it’s totally a guy. Ugh, don’t be so close-minded! What strapping, young lad wouldn’t dress in such manly boy shorts?

And because Souta was so nice to him, flags vomit out of the kid’s head:

• And right off the bat, Megumu and Souta are already on a first name basis. What a playboy…

• So why is he dressed like that anyway? According to Meg, his sister thought he would look cuter this way. Oh, it gets better. His sister then petitioned the school so that Meg could dress this way everyday. And of course, the school agreed!

• Akane runs up to the two of them but immediately mistakes Souta and Meg for a couple. Welp, brace yourself for this running gag of “Gosh, don’t these two look cute together? Wait, that’s a boy?!”

• You don’t have to look far as Kikuno waltzes down the stairs and proceeds to make the same mistake. Haha, this is so funny, guys!

• But you can’t blame Kikuno all too much because Meg apparently uses the girl’s bathroom even though he’s a he: “The other boys can’t take it when I use the boy’s bathroom.”

• Shit, we’re already 2-for-2. Let’s beat this dead horse further into the ground. Come on down, Nanami, and extend this pathetic joke’s life even longer!

• Afterwards, the student council president informs Souta that his recently renovated dorm will be closed down if he’s the only person living there. Gee, where is he going to find exactly four more people to join him?

• Akane will move in! Kikuno will move in! Meg will move in! Everyone gets to move in! Well, if… if only we had one more volunteer…

• Uh…

…what are you blubbering like a baby for?

Nanami: “I never said I wanted to live here! Besides, I won’t unless I get that room in the corner!”

Yeah…

• So whatever happened to the Souta that was like, “Uguu, you all better stay away from me or you’ll get nothing but misery!”

• Afterwards, the girls all take a bath together. Yes, Kikuno still has her ladle. That’s because it’s an intrinsic part of her identity, y’see. How else would you know that she’s the big sisterly type if she isn’t constantly holding her instrument of domesticity?

• Elsewhere, Meg wants to prove himself as a manly man, so he suggests to Souta that they peep on the bathing girls. Wow, what a real man.

• And of course, like a real man, Souta couldn’t stop his friend from dragging him all the way to the girl’s bathroom. Oh sure, the bland harem lead doth protest — “You know, really real men wouldn’t even think of peeping….” — but hey, we’re still here, aren’t we?

• So Meg shoves the bland harem lead into the girl’s bathroom, Nanami gets mad, the sun rises in the east, the sky is blue, harem’s gotta harem….

• Afterwards, a death flag somehow leads Souta to a desk. In it, he finds a letter addressed to him. When he goes to read the letter, he suddenly returns to the flashback we saw in the cold opening. He and that mysterious girl are still playing that crappy game. It turns out she’s the one who gave him his flag-seeing powers. And then she tells him, “…you’ll need to discover the truth behind the world.” Right. So after an entire episode of goofy hijinks, the harem anime is going to turn all serious.

• And so our episode ends on that ominous note.

Nisekoi Ep. 14

• Welp, Raku has a fiancee and it’s all because of his old man again. His father then says, “She’ll be here tomorrow, so could you like, randomly entertain her?” At this rate, Raku may as well give up his studies and just become a gigolo. I’ve yet to see the kid aspire to anything other than “entertaining” girls. The old man also says, “And now that she’s old enough to get married, she says she’s coming, and won’t take no for an answer!” Well, shit… everything counts as a binding contract in Japan!

• It’s not like Raku’s completely blameless: “In that case, you should just talk to her and make this go away.” What a winner–… asking his dad to fight his own battles for him.

• Hurr transfer student.

• So do people even bother with the school uniform anymore these days?

No, no they don’t. The girl then immediately dives into Raku’s lap much to everyone’s chagrin. Ho hum.

• But anime’s pretty inflexible. At this late stage in the game, am I supposed to believe that this new girl just happens to be Raku’s true love? I know, I know, the manga is never-ending. When time flies immemorial, is there such a thing as early and late? But c’mon, anime doesn’t really work that way. After all the time and effort that the show has poured into Chitoge and Kosaki, the new girl is nothing more than a distracting plot device. Essentially, once Raku got close enough to deciding between the two main girls, we had to throw a wrench into the machine to fuck it all up. After all, we wouldn’t actually want our bland harem lead to actually have to make a decision, would we? Of course not.

• So now, the girls are all embroiled in a fight for Raku’s dick ’cause gosh, he’s just so dreamy.

• Unfortunately, Tsugumi makes a mistake of pulling a gun on the new girl. Are we still in a classroom or what? Marika apparently has some connections with the police force, because a SWAT team quickly storms the classroom. Yeah, we can just drop all pretense that the characters are currently attending high school.

• Oh right, her father is the police commissioner. So as a result, she can summon an entire SWAT team whenever she needs to settle one of her bullshit teenage affairs.

• Well, no matter. The new girl got the job done:

Chitoge’s all jealous now.

• In the infirmary, Raku reasons that there’s no way Marika could possibly want to marry him. I mean, c’mon, they haven’t even seen each other for ten whole years! How can you want to marry someone you hardly know! But no, the girl insists, “For the last ten years… I have cared for no one but you.” Maybe that’s why these stories are so damn attractive to a certain group of people. Why, you’re telling me that a girl I’ve never met loves me unconditionally? And I don’t have to impress her whatsoever? Shit, sign me up!

• But here’s the thing… escapism is neat when I can pretend I’m a dragon-slaying knight in Skyrim or Commander Shepherd on a quest to save the galaxy from the mysterious Reapers. On the other hand, using escapism to live in a dreamworld where a bunch of one-dimensional high school girls slavishly fight over your dick is, well, kinda fucking pathetic, no? Is this what you really want out of life? A girl who loves you even though she doesn’t know shit about you? A girl who would rather refer to you as a master instead of being on an equal level with you? A girl who has spent the last ten years pining for you instead of living her life and growing as a person? Ah, but silly me… who wouldn’t want a complete pushover for a girlfriend? When girls just love you unconditionally, you won’t actually have to improve yourself as a person whatsoever!

• Marika claims to remember the promise, but that slight pause is more than enough to tell us that she’s full of shit. ‘Cause think about it. If she really was the girl, she would’ve brought up the promise herself. The promise would’ve been way more important to her than it is to Raku. But no, it’s Raku who had to remind her of the promise. So no, Marika ain’t the girl. Sure, she’ll have a key, but as we’ve already seen, they’re giving out weird keys like fucking candy in this anime. I bet you Shu even has one (read: in his pants). And let’s just face it… as long as Nisekoi is going strong, we’ll never find out the identity of the mysterious girl from Raku’s past.

• Well, lookee here, misunderstandings abound as Marika tries to seduce Raku, ‘causing Chitoge to burst into the room at just the right moment:

• After beating Raku up, Chitoge thinks to herself, “But when you think about it, it’s so obvious that that moron wouldn’t have the guts to do something like that…” Well, gee, ya think? The bland harem lead would never show any signs of having a libido. Chitoge goes on to ask herself, “So why did I get so pissed?” ‘Cause you’re the tsunderekko! And because you’re a tsunderekko, it’s nigh time that you start getting super jealous and possessive as tsunderekkos are wont to do at some midpoint in any given harem plot.

• Marika then pretty much blackmails the idiot into going on a date. After all, if Raku doesn’t comply, who knows how pissed off her dad might be!

• The rest of the girls, Ruri included, are now stalking the new couple on their date because no one has anything better to do on a holiday. C’mon, Tsumugi, you’re not even a legit contestant in this stupid game:

• During their oh-so-wonderful date, Raku dares to suggest that Marika and Chitoge could be good friends one day if the former would just give the latter a chance. Marika then claims that they can never be friends because… she doesn’t like girls with long hair. Yep. So uh, do you hate yourself or what? Or wait, lemme guess… Raku likes girls with long hair, so even though she totally hates girls with long hair, Marika grew her hair out just for him! I bet it’s something idiotic like that. It just has to be.

• Then as if they weren’t alone enough at their table, Marika pulls him away (I guess they don’t need to pay) to some other location so that they can have a private one-on-one conversation. Meanwhile, our two brilliant “detectives” have completely lost the trail already:

• Elsewhere, the supposedly well-trained assassin Tsumugi has also lost sight of Raku and Marika. Yay, everyone’s incompetent. What about Chitoge, you ask? Well…

• Marika claims that she’ll spill all the beans about that promise from ten years ago, but only if Raku agrees to break up with Chitoge. A snooping Chitoge frets, “What’s he gonna do?” Girl, how could you ever doubt such a stalwartly bland harem lead! This is his story! He’s going to milk it for all he’s got. Even supposing that Marika does have all the answers, do you think Raku would be dumb enough to end the story here and now? C’mon, all the girls are fighting over him! He’s hit his peak in life. It ain’t gonna better from here on out.

Right, right… he wouldn’t want to be selfish. /wink

• So then Marika reveals Chitoge’s location, and the two girls begin to squabble over Raku again. Even though Chitoge’s not really dating Raku. Even though Chitoge doesn’t really lik–… nah, she does. She totally does. But like every tsunderekko ever, she’s just not honest about her feelings, uguu… So in her awkwardness, she’ll show Raku her affections the only way she knows how: by getting violent.

• It turns out Marika’s got a condition where she can’t be out in the sun for too long before she gets dizzy. Right. So Kosaki is as bland as white bread, Chitoge is randomly afraid of every little thing, and Marika is just plain frail as a china doll. This is what counts for depth in a harem anime!

• When Raku continues to insist that he doesn’t remember Marika at all, her true self comes out. Apparently, the daughter of a cop isn’t such an elegant girl!

• Marika: “Rakkun, you… Because you said you only liked them girly girls with long hair… I went and grew out my hair… And I done fixed the way I talk…”

• Oh right, he couldn’t remember Marika before, but now that she’s talking in a different dialect, Raku suddenly recognizes her as the Marie from his childhood. Marika. Marie. Marika. Marie. Gosh, they’re so different! And with that, the episode ends. Thank God.

Seikoku no Dragonar Ep. 2

• So to refresh your memory a bit, Ash Blake attends an academy for dragon wranglers despite the fact that he lacks a dragon. But thanks to some big-titted lady, he’s now a proud owner of his very own drag–… er…

Well, I’m sure if you squint hard enough, she kinda looks like a drag–…

• C’mon…

…breasts without nipples are pointless!

• Alright, alright, fine… this loli is a dragon. Whatever you say. But why would she even say something like, “How dare you stare into the face of a sleeping lady?” Why should a dragon care about such things? The answer’s obvious: she ain’t a fucking dragon. Sure, when the plot gets going, we’ll pretend as though she’s a dragon and shit, but for all intents and purposes, she’s just another generic tsundere haremette.

• Guys, I don’t think this is having the effect you want it to have…

• And of course, the shorter and more flat-chested the girl is, the bossier she will be: “You’re not my master–I’m the master of you!”

• Oh. My. God.

Even the continent is shaped like a chicken.

• Somehow, our two lovebirds have made their way back to Ash Blake’s room. Not only that, it’s nighttime, so it’s time to turn it in for the day. The bossy dragon girl naturally commandeers the guy’s bed, calls him a dog, then tells him to sleep on the floor. Apparently, I’m watching Zero no Tsukaima all over again. But right, right… the pink-haired loli’s a dragon this time. Uh-huh.

• Oh well, the bossy girl has already fallen asleep so I guess it just can’t be helped! I’ll just sleep on the floor like a bitch!

• So the next day, Rebecca, our well-endowed student council president, pays Ash Blake and his dragon a visit. For some reason, Max has also tagged along. He then takes exception to the bruises covering the front of Ash Blake’s body, but our bland harem lead reassures his friend that they’re nothing more than “a baby dragon’s play bites.” Right, a baby dragon… with boobs. Dragony boobs. Scaly boobs. Besides, why does Max care anyway?

• Rebecca, ever-prepared, has brought with her a hand-me-down outfit so that our dragon loli won’t have to prance around naked. But, um… I don’t think those clothes are going to fit…

• Still, Ash Blake will have to get approval for his dragon from the school’s academy, and that will only happen if the Doctor Cromwell gets to take a look at the dragon loli. That’s right, the Doctor Cromwell, i.e. the foremost authority on dragon research… or something.

• Oh nevermind, the hand-me-downs fit perfectly somehow…

And of course, the loli and her comically large bow is turning heads on the streets.

• Nice lima bean for a hat, you’ve got there:

• Now, even though she had previously claimed that the proud dragon race has no need for clothing, the loli still feels the need to weigh in on the fact that her outfit looks hella stylish.

• Oh no, the dragon loli is hungry. What do dragons eat anyway? The answer: this is a harem so nobody cares what a dragon eats. Again, this is a harem, so crepe it is.

• Ash Blake insists that dragons have to eat meat. Heh, more like his meat.

• But then dragon loli’s body suddenly gets hot… okay, nobody said you had to eat Ash Blake’s meat now. It’s only the second episode!

• She then starts licking Ash Blake’s neck in public. I was really only joking about the eating his meat part, y’know. But then the girl moans, “If this keeps up… who… who knows what’ll happen…” I know what’ll happen. 18 years on the hook for unappreciative dragon babies. Then they just fly off to terrorize other fantasy worlds without ever calling home!

• Good thing Silvia just happens to be walking by! This is a harem, after all! We can’t let Ash Blake have fun yet!

• Silvia tries her best to tell Ash Blake off, because she mistakes the dragon loli for, well, just some regular loli. Unbeknownst to her, however, this is a real dragon! No, not really, but the loli can definitely sneeze. And somehow, her sneeze is strong enough to lift Silvia’s skirt. Yep. Ash Blake never wastes an opportunity as he proceeds to lovingly stare at Silvia’s dainty panties. String panties, he observes with his astute eye. Wow! Relevant plot information! And for that, he gets a Riot symbol implanted onto the side of his face:

He’s right, y’know! What did he do wrong? All he did was gawk at a girl’s crotch, then announce to the whole world what the girl was wearing beneath her skirt.

• Apparently, dragon loli was acting all horny and shit because of the “anthar” in the crepe. What the fuck is an “anthar,” you ask? Hell if I know!

• According to Silvia, “anthar” is like alcohol to humans. So what the hell is it doing in a crepe? Yo, seriously, when’s the last time you had alcohol in your crepe? I sure as hell haven’t. But yadda yadda yadda, you can’t give “anthar” to underaged dragons. Silvia then gets all bitchy and asks, “Have you learned nothing at the Academy?” Damn, girl, get off his case! The school year has only just started!

• But the jig is up as Silvia’s impertinent maid offers up this juicy bit of information: “You were just looking for Ash, and now you’ve found him!” Ah, Silvia’s already shaping up to be a classic tsunderekko to mirror the dragon loli’s behavior. This wouldn’t be much of a competition otherwise.

• “U-uguu… I just wanted to apologize for insulting your dragon in last week’s episode…”

• In a shadowy corner of the public square, two menacing pair of boobs are spying on Ash Blake and his dragon:

Ash Blake’s boobsense is tingling, however, as he suddenly stops horsing around with his dragon to stare off into the distance.

• But screw that! We need a boring montage of dragon loli doing her shopping with Ash Blake in tow!

If we keep repeating this joke, it’ll be funny!

• While bossing him around for more crepes, dragon loli insists that Ash Blake refer to her by her name. But wait a minute… she hasn’t been given a name. Oh boy, this is a sacred ritual of every great anime!

So what’ll it be, Ash Blake? What would you like to call this bossy loli?

Well… that is lame. It’s not even an original name or anything. He simply stole it from the very first dragon breeder ever. But somehow, just being given a name is enough to make the loli glow:

Apparently, this just means their astral flow has joined up or something. Whatever astral flow is… I think it was a 2-hour ability in Final Fantasy XI.

• When Eco goes to wash up, however, the shadowy pair of boobs return!

• Meanwhile, Silvia conveniently also reappears… just in time to see Ash Blake fretting outside the woman’s restroom.

Jesus Christ, will you give it a rest already?

• In any case, Silvia and her maid eventually investigate the restroom for Ash Blake only to find nothing but Eco’s lima bean hat. Oh no, where could our loli have disappeared to! There was also some dust that I didn’t quite catch the name of. Basically, all you need to know is that it’s kinda like dragon chloroform.

Ash Blake’s boobsense is never wrong! And those boobs have absconded with his loli!

• Following Silvia’s suggestion, Ash Blake will tap into his astral flow to locate his loli. All he has to do is to grip his arm tightly and think strongly of… Eco… um, are you sure this is what you do?

• Visions of the naked Eco begins to flood Ash Blake’s mind. Yeah, I don’t think this is right…

• Then out of nowhere, green butterflies appear in order to lead Ash Blake to his loli. What the hell do butterflies have to do with dragons?

• Our hero is led to an abandoned building, which just happens to conceal a secret laboratory where Eco has currently been stripped naked and bound to a table:

Yo, this is all in the name of science, okay? Get your mind out of the gutter.

• According to Eco’s kidnapper, all dragons are linked to some mental library known as the Draguarth, and this library should explain why Eco was born a human. But for some reason, access has been denied to our loli.

• Anyway, the lady intends to dissect Eco, but our hero arrives just in the nick of time (don’t they always?).

• Guess what? The big-boobed lady is the Doctor Cromwell.

Hah! You didn’t see that coming, did you? You didn’t think someone who would dress this way, stalk a dragon loli from the shadows, then kidnap said dragon loli with dragon chloroform could be a doctor, did you? Now who’s the real sexist!

• The doctor then casts a spell that puts everyone to sleep… but our determined harem lead won’t sleep for anyone but his dragon!

So he ends up saving Eco really easily. And then she punches him:

Harem anime’s just gotta harem.

• The next day at school, Ash Blake swears he’ll never have anything to do with that nasty Dr. Cromwell again! Uh-huh, sure you won’t…

Welp.