Just something I found online…

Obviously, I’ve heard of Sailor Moon, but I’ve never seen a single second of it. Not a single one. My girlfriend likes the original series, and even thought about watching this latest reboot, but I guess she thought better of it. I think I should’ve followed suit. But still, curiosity got the better of me. Again, I’ve never seen Sailor Moon before, so why not give it a look or two? Unfortunately, I’ve heard nothing but bad things about the reboot. I don’t know if it’s because fans are just impossible to please or what, but I rarely ever see anything positive being said about the 2014 series. But hey, maybe they’re right. I won’t know until I take a look at the show myself. Anyway, I’m going to treat this show like everything else I watch. For me, it’s not about whether or not the show lives up to its predecessors. Instead, I just to know if it’s even a good show to begin. Let’s just see how far I can get before I throw in the towel…

Episode one!

– Stars and planets, oh boy! Some lady floats down to kiss a guy, but of course, the anime cuts away from the kiss. It feels like the objective here is to find a cute guy and kiss him. I mean, that’s the first impression I get. Whether or not this is the ultimate goal of the show, I don’t know, but what else am I supposed to think when I see an opening like that?

– Oh dear, Usagi’s voice is shrill. And why does her mom look so goddamn young. She may as well be her big sister.

– The OP’s not ear-piercingly horrible. I’m not paying any attention to the lyrics, though. ‘Cause who cares?

– I’ve never seen a second of Sailor Moon before. I know nothing about Sailor Moon either. So damn, she’s only 14. I mean, I guess I’m not surprised, but I don’t know… I always figured she was older for some reason. Like she’d be this awesome big sister that everyone would look up to.

– Yeesh, I detest crybabies. And klutzes.

– At least the cat’s cute.

– Listening to her voice a little bit more carefully now, I guess the number one thing that bugs me is that she doesn’t sound remotely like a 14-year-old girl. She sounds like a grown woman pretending to be a girl.

– This chatter is pretty boring, but hey, I’m not the intended audience for this shit, so take what I write here with a grain of salt.

– It’s just hard to examine this in-depth because it’s failing to engage my attention. I don’t really give a toss about anything that is happening onscreen.

– This dude looks like he’s the main love interest, but how old is he supposed to be? He looks hella fucking old. Why are you trying to get with 14-year-olds, dude? Fuckin’ nasty.

– “Who wears a tuxedo in the afternoon?” I know, right? Wouldn’t call him a show-off, though. More like those guys in the West who feel the need to tip their fedoras at girls. Plus, the show can’t even get his reflection in the window right.

– I don’t know what to think of a heroine voicing her desire to drop out of school, though.

– I see Usagi only has her eyes on guys who are way too old for her.

– The mom naturally kicks Usagi out of the house for scoring a pathetic thirty on her latest test. I mean, really, a thirty means you pretty much aren’t even trying, unless, of course, you have an actual learning disability, but I doubt that’s the case…

– So far, I’m not seeing a single admirable trait about the main character. She’s a self-confessed crybaby, she’s clumsy, she’s whiny, she does poorly in school, so on and so forth.

– So does Usagi have a dad or what? Eh, he’s probably an absentee salaryman, so I’m not sure why I even bothered asking.

– Holy shit, that arm.

– Damn, the cat is pretty sassy.

– If I was dreaming of a talking cat, I’d try my best to talk to it.

– Oh, the girl snaps to attention when Luna mentions a present. Yeesh. I don’t know… doesn’t she seem kinda… vapid? And don’t even start with the whole “She’s just 14!” argument, ’cause her friends don’t seem so bad. I don’t give a shit if the show’s deep or not. I really don’t. Simple or otherwise, Sailor Moon just doesn’t seem like any person I’d want to be.

– I guess I’m sort of looking at this from the perspective of a potential parent. Sort of. I’m not a parent (yet), and to be honest, it’s not like I’d even have a problem letting my kids watch almost whatever they want. If it entertains them, then it entertains them… as long as they know what they’re getting into. Hell, I got to watch whatever I wanted as a kid, so I think it’s more important for parents to explain to kids why something is wrong rather than just barring them completely from a movie or TV show the parents don’t like. I watched a ton of violent movies when I was young, but I’ve never felt the compulsion to ride a motorcycle and shoot a shotgun. So likewise, it’s not like I’d bar my kids from watching Sailor Moon if Sailor Moon appeals to them. At the same time, however, I feel as though I would have to explain to them that, well, Sailor Moon is kind of incompetent at the moment.

And that even though she’s a heroine, I’m not sure she’s a heroine I’d want my kids to emulate. Maybe she improves over the course of the series, but first impressions are strong impressions, and she’s not leaving a very good one. If anyone thinks I’m being unfair or whatever, hey, Goku was an idiot too. When I watched DBZ as a kid, I only watched it ’cause it was entertaining. I sure as hell knew I didn’t want to be anything like Goku, though.

– And yeah, I know a woman created Sailor Moon. So what, though? Who cares? Maybe the source material is miles better than what we see here, but like I’ve said a billion times before, I’m just focusing on the anime adaptation in front of me.

– Oh, here’s the mahou shoujo transformation scene. Yeah, the CGI doesn’t seem to mesh all too well with the 2-D aesthetics, but by itself, it’s not so bad.

– Until her skirt comes in, Usagi looks like she’s wearing a diaper, though.

– Oh, her ear buns act as beacons or something. Makes her look kind of like a frog.

– Why is “Evil” capitalized? Is the bad woman literally named Evil?

– So Sailor Moon wins by crying… I just… I don’t know, man. The fact that she’s not ready to fight, I get that. Obviously, I don’t expect a 14-year-old girl to instantly kick zombie ass. But it feels like she’s constantly being rewarded for fucking up. Bad grades? Eh, it’s okay. She still gets to be a heroine. Too unskilled to fight? Fine. That’s understandable. But her crying disables the zombies. Throwing a tantrum is literally what saves the day. I don’t mind if anime characters start off weak or if they screw up. We’re only human at the end of the day. At the same time, however, I don’t expect them to be rewarded for screwing up.

– Then the hot bishie dude shows up and tells her to stop crying.

– It’s not quite Romero, but I guess the big, fancy lesson in the first week is that unchecked consumerism turns you into a mindless zombie. Watch out for those discounted jewelry sales!

– Alright… so that was the first episode. I guess I’ll try another one.

Episode two!

– Well, the blue-haired girl seems smart. Why isn’t she the star?

– Damn, dude, if you want the “Legendary Silver Crystal” so bad, why don’t you go and get it yourself? But that’s how these shows are. The big, bad baddie keeps sending his minions to fail, and wonder why he can’t seem to achieve his goals…

– Meanwhile, Usagi continues to do poorly… At least she’s friendly, I guess.

– Hell, Mizuno’s even good at games, so she wins a pen for her troubles. Meanwhile, Usagi shakes the machine violently until she gets a reward too. I mean, am I just going crazy here or what? Usagi sucks, man.

– “Well, Ami-chan, you look prettier when you smile.” What if she just has bitchy resting face?

– So it appears the villain of the week is another woman. Does this Jadeite guy just have an army of evil women at his fingertips to do his bidding or something?

– So what’s the danger this week? Studying too much allows bad people to take advantage of you? Well, we know Usagi won’t have to worry about that.

– Luna even has to tell Usagi not to litter. Man…

– So to sneak into the Crystal Seminar, Usagi disguises herself as a doctor… but it’s a sexy doctor. C’mon, what’s with the short skirt?

– These booths look really tiny.

– Hm, in the end, Sailor Moon needed Tuxedo Mask to save her. Then all she ever seems to do in these episodes is cry and throw a tiara at the villain. Not very inspiring.

– My coverage for the second episode is a lot shorter, because, well, I just don’t think there’s much to say about it. Somehow, I feel kind of disappointed even though I didn’t come into this viewing experience with very many expectations.

– In fact, the entire thing isn’t very inspiring. To repeat, I’m not looking for a deep show nor am I even looking for the perfect heroine. Usagi just isn’t likeable. She’s… nice, I guess. But that’s about it. Nothing else about her is even admirable. Needless to say, I don’t want to continue watching this series.

Further reading:

Here’s someone who knows far more about Sailor Moon than me.