…and clickbate opening image. Done and done. Hey, look, I’m the one who has to watch Killing Bites and Beatless back to back. Will this terrible week never end? Say, what’s even the title of this week’s episode anyway?
Who cares? I agree, who cares? But the blog needs content, so here we are. Anyways, I recently said to one of my readers that at least Killing Bites doesn’t bog itself down with backstories. Boy, was I wrong!
‘Cause here we are… with backstories! Does it matter why Solid Snake and Geico Insurance are in this Destroyal? Like the episode’s title says, who cares? Thankfully, they’re a billion times shorter than the ones we got in Juuni Taisen.
By the way, Solid Snake has decided to go full snake. And for some odd reason, Yuya goes, “He hardly looks human anymore!” Bruh… did Yogi Bear look human when he fully transformed? Does Hungry Hungry Hippo currently look human to you? On the other hand, I don’t think cobras are supposed to have arms. Just a thought… We then get some boring exposition about how Brutes used to be good, upstanding citizens, but Shidoh went and abolished the ol’ traditions. As a result, Destroyals are now full of criminals and rapists. Yeah, yeah, don’t care. Get back to the fighting.
Which isn’t all that great…
…but it’s a hell of a lot better than the boring ass chatter…
…back on the cruise ship.
Eventually, Hungry Hungry Hippo breaks up the steamy cuddle session between Taiga Aisaka and Renekton.
Again, we get boring ass backstories that I don’t care about. So in my headcannon, he interfered because he was jealous of how close those two were getting. Fat man just wants some love.
Fat man is built Jeep tough!
We jump back to see Honey Badger caught up in Solid Snake’s solid grasp. But then she somehow breaks free, because… uh… because… the only thing that matters is sharper fangs?
Awwwww, she said it! We missed her catchphrase dearly last week! Tell us more about what Killing Bites is, dear Honey Badger! Also, did you know that Arizona Cardinals free safety Tyrann Mathieu was nicknamed the Honey Badger when he played in college for LSU?
Well, the more you know…
Find someone who will love you as much as this woman loves Destroyals… and probably cocaine. She probably did cocaine before going up on stage.
And now we’re back to Renekton and Hungry Hungry Hippo. The latter is shocked — just shocked! — that Renekton is still standing. Yeah, why is that? Why is Renekton all okay?
wot
The show knows our attention span is short, so it keeps jumping around like… a bunny, you might say. Except this bunny isn’t jumping. her hairy ass is just digging tunnels because she finds it fun.
Yep, just because it’s fun.
Meanwhile, Honey Badger tries to launch her counterattack, but she then gets counter-counterattacked.
This is getting out of control!
According to Solid Snake, he can smell her from anywhere…
…because she’s so lewd. God, what a lewd Tyrann Mathieu.
Again, Honey Badger tries to counterattack, but then she finds herself unable to move. Well, y’see…
Oh no, this scene is getting too long. Quick! Jump to another pair of combatants! Do it now before I get too bored and change the channel!
Phew–… wait, what the fuck? Apparently, Geico Insurance is the first female character on this show to lose her human face when she goes whole-gecko.
And so she proceeds to swing Chesty Cheetah around like a toy.
Y’know, maybe I should rethink the Chesty Cheetah nickname for the girl. Anyways, enough about these two. Now that Honey Badger is paralyzed, is she going to… is going to get it from Solid Snake?
Okay, c’mon! You can’t do that!
But just as Solid Snake was about to strike, Honey Badger suddenly wakes up and slices him in half, swaying breasts and all! Was she just faking it? Was she just pretending to be knocked out? Nooooope. According to Shidoh, ratels are resistant to cobra venom. But more importantly, Honey Badger reveals that she was just actually napping. She actually pauses for a second to remember where she is.
Twice! In one episode! This is better than sex! Get her giant tits out of my face! I just want to hear Honey Badger say her catchphrase over and over! Anyways, with Solid Snake now just a Chub, we can now return to Geico Insurance and Not-So-Chesty Cheetah.
I gotta give credit where credit’s due. I honestly thought Taiga Aisaka would save his sister at the last second since Hungry Hungry Hippo saved him from Renekton’s grasp. I mean, it can still happen. Her fight with Geico Insurance isn’t over yet, but I really thought he would show up in the final minutes of this episode and kill the ugly gecko lady.
Instead, it turns out Not-So-Chesty Cheetah was also taking a breather on the ground. Really? The same gimmick twice in one episode? I mean, catchphrases are cool and all, but this is just lame, guys! Plus, the narrator tries to convince us that since cheetahs live life on the fast lane all the time, being smacked around at super high speeds didn’t affect Not-So-Chesty Cheetah at all. Uh-huh.
In any case, Honey Badger can now lend Not-So-Chesty Cheetah a hand. But the episode is almost over, so let’s wrap this up with a cliffhanger.
We see Renekton standing triumphantly over Hungry Hungry Hippo, but what’s this…?
…a new challenger?! Tune in next week for more…
…Killing Bites?