Twelve will always have his signature goofy smile even though the world is about to end. Of course, the world doesn’t literally come to an end. But in a way, it did. No one will sit here and defend the two atomic bombings at the end of the Second World War with a straight face. But Fat Man and Little Boy did accomplish one thing: it allowed Japan to start over. At that point in the war, defeat was already a foregone conclusion, but the two atom bombs sealed the deal. In fact, the explosions were so strong, it figuratively knocked Japan back to an infantile state. Japan’s empire-building ambitions went up in flames along with everything else. All that anyone could do was pick up the pieces and rebuild the country. And even though Japan may have felt as though it has been politically emasculated by the US over the last few decades, the country did nevertheless rebuild itself into something impressive and majestic in its own right.

But once again, it feels as though Japan is starting to reach that symbolic age again where it wants to assert its own independence. Like a rebellious teenager, the country no longer wants to listen to its “parent,” i.e. the United States. Japan is tired of being bossed around, and it wants to do its own thing. On paper, there’s nothing wrong with this idea. Should the US really be allowed to meddle in Japan’s affairs forever? One could justifiably argue that the US should have left a long time ago. When the secret American operatives assassinated Twelve at the end of this week’s episode, Terror in Resonance merely echoes what many people have felt for a long time now: the US is only looking out for itself. But although this is a problem — and its a problem that Japan will eventually have to address in the long run — Terror in Resonance wants us to be cognizant of a bigger concern: Japan’s crimes against its own people.

Twelve was originally drawn to Lisa because she was him and Nine. She was also a victim of abuse, both at school and at home. Worst of all, nobody seemed to notice. Nobody seemed to care. Lisa suffered silently as her classmates tormented her at school. Lisa then had no one to turn to when her own mother became an emotional black hole. Likewise, Nine and Twelve suffered from abuse. Not only that, there were others like them. Thirty children in total were taken away to some mysterious institution. And at this institution, the children lost their youth, their innocence and their humanity. They were told that nobody loved them. They were told that they were nothing. They were even told that they had no name. By now, we know the truth. A secret faction in Japan had wanted to create its own race of supersoldiers by inhumanely experimenting on these orphans. Those like Shibazaki had tried to uncover the truth many years ago, but like with Lisa, the rest of the nation was oblivious. There were just too many distractions.

During the Second World War, the Imperial Japanese Army convinced its soldiers to die for the country. Above all else, duty to the emperor and Japan was utmost. Nothing else mattered. Even if the battle was already lost, you were not allowed to surrender. You were not allowed to save yourself. Instead, you had to sacrifice your life and try to take the enemy with you. But let’s be honest: there was nothing noble about what these kids had to do. They were trained to become murderers, and some even became rapists. Like Sphinx, these boys lost their youth, their innocence, and their humanity. And for what? At the time, Imperial Japan claimed it was merely trying to unite East Asia against the Westerners. The slogan at the time was, “Asia for Asians!” In truth, however, Japan and its soldiers were not liberators. Just ask South Korea if you don’t believe me. The point is, you can’t simply trust good intentions, and once again, Japanese leaders were exploiting the country’s youth in the name of good intentions.

Mamiya can sit there and claim that he did what he had to do to help Japan restore its independence. It’s just funny how he had to hide himself from the public eye. It’s just funny how he had to seclude himself in a private estate behind tall walls and a security system. It’s just funny how, once again, Japanese youth had to suffer for the sake of the nation. Yes, the US has politically emasculated Japan for decades now. Yes, Japan desires independence. Yes, the US is only and always simply looking out for itself and not its allies — thanks realpolitik! We should find a solution to these problems. No one’s denying that. But at what costs? At the cost of Japanese youth again? And have we forgotten what the two atomic bombings had done to the nation and its psyche? Do we really want to revisit that nightmare again? Nine and Twelve thus took it upon themselves to remind the country of its history. The atomic bomb did go off in this week’s episode, but it went off in the stratosphere. Unlike their abusers, Nine and Twelve are not murderers.

Sphinx simply wanted the slumbering populace to open their eyes and realize what was happening around them. As the inhabitants of Tokyo poured out onto the streets to evacuate the city, the bomb went off. People stood still and looked up to the sky in rapt attention as the bomb bathed them in a golden, almost divine-like light. It was as if Nine and Twelve were angels, and they had brought God’s judgment down upon Sodom and Gomorrah. Tokyo didn’t go up in flames, but the resulting electromagnetic pulse did shut down the metropolis’s power grid as well as all means of telecommunications. For the first time in a long time, Tokyo had gone offline. For the first time in a long time, you could say that the country was allowed to look inward and reflect on its sins. There were no more distractions. Japanese people could no longer look away and turn a blind eye to the situation. Nine and Five were victims of abuse, and this was their cry for help. In the end, it’s too late to save their souls, but they might have prevented other children from being abused like them.

Again, the world doesn’t come to an end, but Sphinx’s actions nevertheless allowed the country to start over. The country thus purged itself of the evildoers, i.e. Mamiya and his ilk. More importantly, it’s a time to reflect, i.e. “How were we so blind to all of this?” Certainly, Japan’s relationship with the US continues to be problematic, but any proposed solution must be considered carefully. And all too often, those in power are ready and willing to leverage the lives of young people for their own selfish, short-sighted political gains. In a way, the story is about breaking the cycle of abuse. Japan saw and continues to see America as a bully, and in turn, people like Mamiya abused children in a misguided search for a solution to the previous problem. Lisa’s mother had been abandoned, and in turn, she inadvertently abused her own daughter. One can only speculate why Lisa’s classmates felt the need to pick on her, but it wouldn’t surprise me if they had their own troubles to deal with as well. The cycle of abuse will continue if people aren’t willing to make a stand.

One way is to remove yourself from the situation, which seems to be what Lisa had done. But in Nine and Twelve’s case, they can’t just remove all the youths from Japan in order to protect them from people like Mamiya. So instead, they created a loud enough ruckus to give themselves credibility. Otherwise, who would listen to a pair of troublemakers like them? Sometimes, children act out just for attention. That’s exactly what Nine and Twelve did.

Stray notes & observations:

– I’ll give my grade on the series as a whole in the next “Everything Else” post. I just want this post to focus on the ending and the ending alone.

– At first, I wondered if Lisa had called her mom to make sure her mom had evacuated. Turns out she was just trying to seek emergency help for Twelve. I wonder if the relationship between her and her mom are too far gone to mend.

– What I had written in a previous post still makes sense now:

Mukasa wonders out loud, “Anyway, don’t you think Sphinx is lonely, too? They probably just want attention.” It’s funny how the most clueless guy in these stories will typically to hit the nail right on the head. Shibazaki’s corpulent co-worker is right: the boys are an extreme example of attention-seeking teenagers. And as always, the problem on our hands is that they don’t care if the attention they get is good or bad. They just want attention period. They just want to open up a dialogue even if it ends up being an abusive shouting match.

– How do I feel about Nine and Twelve’s deaths? Well, it was a long time coming. Again, an excerpt from a previous post:

Lisa is jealous of the bond that Nine and Twelve share, but not in a malicious way. She just wishes she had someone she was close to. Twelve replies, “Well, we’ve been together for a long time.” He then looks wistfully off to the side. The anime immediately cuts to those white sheets swaying in the wind as Twelve continues to say, “Just the two of us.” We don’t get to see his expression. He sounds resigned as he says it, too. The anime then lingers on the white sheets for a short moment. It almost seems as though Twelve has accepted his and Nine’s eventual deaths, but on the plus side, they’ll die together, i.e. “Just the two of us.” Just earlier in the episode, there’s a peculiar scene where we see Twelve just standing alone on the rooftop, looking to at the sky as white feathers float up around him. There’s something angelic about the scene, almost suggesting that he’s looking forward to the peaceful release that accompanies death. For now, he and Nine have a mission to accomplish, but when they reach their destination, they will be free. In a way, he and his partner have always been prisoners. They were imprisoned at that institute, and even now, they are imprisoned by the memories of their past. For example, Nine frequently suffers from nightmares. As a result, the two boys — Twelve, specifically — may see death as a solace. What’s clear, however, is that Nine and Twelve are always prepared that they may die anytime they go out.

– Plus, I’m not surprised Nine suffered from those chronic headaches immediately after Twelve died. These are the same headaches that had afflicted Five, too. It turns out the music from a cold land was from Iceland. Furthermore, V-O-N means hope… Most of the children involved in the Athena Plan eventually succumbed to the side effects of the drug they had been given, but I speculated last week that these children had simply given up on life. The Settlement stripped them of their will to live, so they had no reason to keep fighting for their own survival. Five was an exception only because she wanted to beat Nine at least once in her life. When she accepted that she couldn’t, she lost hope and committed suicide before her body would give up on her. With Twelve lying dead before him, Nine doesn’t really have much of a reason to continue either. We don’t exactly get to see how he dies, but his vision blurs and it looks as though he falls backwards and loses consciousness. The point is, he no longer had any reason to keep fighting either. It’s telling that he sees three birds flying up to the sky. Does Five finally get to join the two boys?

– It doesn’t really matter whether or not Nine really had more bombs hidden around the country, and I’m inclined to think he didn’t. The important takeaway is that the US doesn’t care.

– Shibazaki represented Oedipus because he was willing to do harm to himself in pursuit of the truth. Unlike many of his peers, Shibazaki was never afraid of the repercussions. He knew his life could be forfeit, but he pressed on anyway. Others were understandably concerned about their own welfare and/or the safety of their loved ones. Still, these concerns can “cloud” our judgment, one might say. Shibazaki turned a blind eye to his own well-being, and that was the only way he could give himself enough courage to press on with his investigation.

I’ve already seen and written about episode one of the OVA with the same name. It serves as a prequel to everything you see here, so you might want to check it out for some additional context. Or you could read my post on it, which I will now shamelessly plug: click here! But to make a long story short, the OVA introduces us to Shokichi and his first expedition to Mars. It’s funny, though. If I hadn’t watched the OVA, I might have taken this opening episode a lot more seriously. I might even feel a thing or two for Hizamaru Akari, who appears to be our protagonist. Shokichi has come all the way out to Thailand to attend an underground fighting ring. There, Akari is putting his body on the line in an attempt to save a childhood friend who has been afflicted with a strange disease. Akari has made it all the way to the final match, but he now finds himself up against a man-eating bear. I don’t think I need to describe the fight in too much detail.

Needless to say, our hero eventually kicks the bear’s ass by tapping into his latent insect abilities. You see, in the universe of Terra Formars, individuals have undergone genetic modification to have insect-like powers. This was the case in the OVA. Some significant amount of time has passed since then, so I guess those who got the procedure have gone on to have children. Akari appears to be one of those children, and this is why he can apparently defeat a bear. Like a lot of violent anime, the broadcast version of Terra Formars is heavily censored, so be prepare to see entire scenes completely blacked out when things get gory. I could rant and rave about how this mars (no pun intended) the viewing experience of the anime, but there’s really no easy way around this problem. It’s just what it is. In any case, Akari thinks his childhood friend will be saved, but help came too late. Shokichi and his organization had bought the girl in an attempt to save her, but there was nothing they could do.

But don’t let your childhood friend die in vain! Akari can join Shokichi. Yes, Akari can join him on an expedition to Mars! Because that’s where the mysterious disease had come from. Our hero couldn’t save his love in time, but he can prevent other anime heroes like himself from losing their girls too! But you see, that’s what I find funny. Had I not watched the OVA, I’d be all wrapped up in opening premise of the series. Whoa, a mysterious disease from Mars? A interplanetary virus that will ravage humanity unless our heroes head to Mars to investigate its origins? Sign me up! But I’ve seen the OVA, and as a result, I’ve seen the type of anime that Terra Formars will become. And don’t get me wrong! I’m not saying that the anime is already shit or anything like that. But at the end of the day, I know that the story will feature a lot of shounen-esque battles. A lot of over-the-top shounen-esque battles too. I mean, people will be turning into half-insect hybrids, but it’s not just that they’ll exactly fight like insects, y’know?

Everything in this show will be insect-inspired, but taken up another notch. Well, make it a hundred notches. In the OVA, we saw a guy blow fire from his hands as if he was a goddamn human flamethrower. I don’t know about you, but I have been on this planet for twenty-something years, and I have yet to see an insect blow fire at me. I’m being somewhat facetious, of course, but my point is that the early going of the first episode might make you think you’re watching a serious, super gritty sci-fi anime about a mysterious virus from Mars slowly killing off Earth’s population. You can squash those expectations now, because unless the OVA turns out to be miles away from the anime series, this is not that sort of show. The truth is, our heroes will fly to Mars where they’ll first turn into funny-looking insect-man hybrids, then they’ll proceed to do battle with equally funny-looking, bipedal cockroaches. Basically, a virus from outer space is destroying humanity… SO LET’S GO TO MARS AND KICK SOME ALIEN ASS!

Since this is the first episode to an actual series, the story takes the time to set the stage. After an attention-grabbing scene in which our hero defeats a bear, the narrative slows down quite a bit as everyone gets introduced to each other at U-NASA’s headquarters. If I hadn’t seen the OVA, everything would still be shrouded in mystery. Sure, Michelle explains what they’re mission is all about, and the terrible terraformars that they’ll be up again. But still, if this episode is all you’ve seen or heard about Terra Formars, you have no idea what these characters are about to get themselves into. I haven’t read the manga and I don’t plan on doing so, but having seen the OVA, the first episode ends up being kind of boring to me. It gets the job done, but there’s really nothing remarkable about it either. This isn’t a groundbreaking, original story, so everything is pretty much by the book. Plus, having seen the OVA, I’m not expecting much more than a pulpy, blood-filled story to pass the time.

Stray notes & observations:

– This anime has a thing for killing off childhood friends as soon as they appear. Don’t be a childhood friend, kids. Hate everyone.

– We get that trope where rich people throw their humanity aside to watch desperate individuals like Akari get beaten up in underground fighting rings. It’s really just a transparent metaphor for the exploitation of the poor by the rich. I can imagine that as the mysterious virus continues to wreak havoc on Earth, the wealth disparity between the rich and the poor will only widen. Why use a metaphor for this? Well, how interesting would the opening premise have been if Shokichi had gone to a sweat shop to recruit Akari?

– Groanworthy moment: Akari makes the mistake of attaching -chan to Michelle’s name, so she tells him he’ll have to make a wife out of her before he can speak to her like that. Be careful what you wish for, lady.

– Even though it looked as though Akari already had insect-like powers, he still underwent surgery anyway. Maybe inherited insect powers just can’t be controlled or something. In any case, he and Michelle are alike in this way. I hope this show doesn’t get bogged down by a half-assed romance. I don’t know why Michelle is even helping him get up and everything. You’d think a fancy space-faring organization could afford to hire some nurses.

– One of the characters’ names is Adolf? Really? You couldn’t pick any other name for the leader of the German division?

– Say what?

– Eva Frost tells Sheila Levitt that the latter doesn’t have to address her with honorifics. Why would Sheila do so anyway? Why would people who are clearly not Japanese use honorifics? I can ignore the fact that they all happen to speak the same language — Japanese, even! — fluently. But that little exchange was a bit too much.

– If all they had to do was investigate Mars’s dirt, air, moss, etc. for the virus, you think could just send robots to do the job. This story is set some five hundred odd years in the future, after all, so I’m sure robotics will have gotten pretty sophisticated by then. But according to Michelle, all the unmanned vessels have failed to return thanks to interference from the terraformars, i.e. those aforementioned bipedal cockroaches.

As a result, it totally makes more sense to send human beings instead. Genetically-modified human beings, of course, but human beings nonetheless. Of course, I find it hard to believe that they can’t figure something out with the robots, but shrug, what can I say? If we don’t send humans to Mars, then we wouldn’t be able to kick alien ass. That’s what it’s all about.

– Michelle explains why the terraformars would indiscriminately kill anything it encounters: “If you think about it calmly, you probably don’t know why you’d kill [a cockroach].” Well, we’ve been taught to kill them. We’ve been taught that cockroaches are dirty and carry diseases with them. I doubt someone has never seen a cockroach or any insect for that matter before would just kill one on instinct. As such, I don’t think Michelle’s analogy makes much sense.

– As the ending credits roll, a cheery, upbeat song plays. Too bad most of them are going to get murdered in no time flat.

What is this? Seriously, what is this? This is the final showdown between Rinka and Minami, and all they can do is talk about their boytoy?

Why are you just teleporting around her in a circle? Why? She has no powers. Rinka has nothing. Can’t you just pick her up, teleport the both of you to the middle of the ocean, and drop the girl to her briny death? How is this even a fight? Why is this even a fight?

Oh good, you took my advice. Too bad you can’t even do it properly so our heroine has a ledge to hang onto.

What’s with this animation? Why did Minami just gain twenty pounds out of nowhere?! Needless to say, Rinka wins the duel… even though she doesn’t have any powers left.

Meanwhile, Kobushi hasn’t done anything all series long, but here she is:

Magically kicking ass. So the Diet comes crashing down to the ground, but Rinka’s dad is there to do his best Goku impression…

…well, not quite. But it turns out Minami and the floating Diet were nothing more than a distraction! The Professor plans to unleash a ton of those magical fish into the air, which will turn all of Tokyo’s inhabitants into espers! Quick, we must stop him!

Shit, it looks like Rinka is no match for the Professor. What will we do, you guys! Whatever will we do?! Tuturu, it’s the revenge of the lamest bishie!

Look at that face. Is that a face of a hero? Wait, why the fuck are you all dressed up? Weren’t you just on a raft? Weren’t you just trapped on a fucking island?!

“Hey bird, I know we’re short on time, but can we stop by my house for a change of clothes? C’mon, a hero can’t fight in these rags!” But if you think the bird is impressive now, you haven’t seen anything yet! For example, how do we get past the Professor and his illusions? Haven’t his illusions foiled our heroes all season long?

IT’S OKAY! THIS MAGICAL TALKING BIRD WILL FUCKING SAVE US!

So the Professor commands Minami to finish Kyotaro off once and for all. But once again, it’s okay! Kyotaro just sweet talks her and that’s it. That’s motherfucking it.

Kyotaro: “I wanted you to let me protect you.”

Bam, drop the sword! DAAAAAAD, I DON’T WANT TO CHANGE THE WORLD AND AVENGE MAHM NO MORE!

The Professor then tells Kozuki to teleport both Minami and the Ark elsewhere…

That animation though… But we don’t even get a proper showdown between Kyotaro and the Professor. Oh, sure, they exchange some words. Some.

The Professor: “Now, Kyotaro. This is the best chance you have to kill me.”
Kyotaro: “You… Right back at you!”

But then these half-naked weirdos show up out of nowhere and kill the Professor:

There’s no cathartic moment or anything. There’s no triumphant climax where the hero overcomes the bad guy. The Professor simply goes out like a chump. Not only that, we don’t even know who these fools are…

That goddamn animation though! It’s the last episode. You’re telling me you can’t even dig up a few pocket change to make the finale look good?

Of course, the good guys escape from the tower. All’s well that ends well, right? WRONG:

But according to Rinka, it’s okay!

Rinka: “The situation has gotten pretty bad, but our justice hasn’t changed at all.”

Oh, well… I’ll be sure to heat my home with your wonderful justice.

This is different from my usual posts, but that’s because I have nothing to say. This finale is just that bad. Not only that, we even get an ending that implores the viewers to keep watching. Keep watching! Or in other words, please read the manga! Don’t you want to know who the two new villains are?! Don’t you want to know if Minami’s going to win Kyotaro back? ‘Cause watching her and Rinka fight over the blandest hero ever sure was exciting!!! Don’t you want to kn–…

…naw, I’m done. I’m done with this bullshit.

Rape Art Online part deux.

– The fight with the bad guy is finally underway, but please… please cut to Sinon and have her feed us a pointless monologue:

Sinon: “Right now, Kirito is trying to translate his words into action, by stopping the criminal named Death Gun, who carries the darkness of SAO.”

Ugh.

– Now back to the fi–… oh, we’re going to cut to Asuna instead, ’cause that’s exciting. Please, keep stalling. I don’t even know why everyone’s watching the fight with great concern anyway. There’s no threat to Kirito’s life. Even if he loses to Death Gun, he won’t die in real life (uguu, his heart rate is high!!!). Sinon’s the only one who is in real danger.

– According to the nurse, Kirito is sweating buckets! BUCKETS! He will literally dehydrate himself if this keeps up! Well, why isn’t he hooked up to a saline drip, nurse?

– She goes on to say, “We can’t have him log out temporarily, can we?” And disqualify himself from the tournament? SURELY YOU JEST! Winning this shit is far more important than my own life as well as Sinon’s!

– Asuna: “No matter what we say here, Kirito-kun won’t hear us.” These VRMMOs are beginning to sound more and more like a nightmare. They’re so goddamn unsafe. Obviously, we’ve covered how physically unhealthy these games can be. But man, you can’t even receive messages from people in the real world. What if your loved one just got into a car accident? Shrug, sorry, can’t hear you. What if the tornado siren just went off? LA LA LA, I CAN’T HEAR YOU. But seriously, do you think anyone would approve of such a device when it’s this unsafe? Of course not. There would be a huge uproar over this. But in the universe of SAO, everyone just accepts that this is how VRMMOs are. They’re plot contrivances to create drama.

– And it’s just like how GGO is operated by a foreign company, so you absolutely can’t receive any help from them.

“Hey, uh, we have concerns about something involving your game. We have plenty of evidence to support it, so if you don’t mind, could we open up channels of communication and discuss this matter in-dept–…”

“NO FUCK YOU THIS IS AMURICA WE DON’T GIVE A SHIT! NO CONTACT INFO! NO CONTACT INFO FOR YOU!”

It’s so mind-boggingly stupid, I don’t even know where to start. If GGO is literally as popular as the anime claims it to be, then why on earth wouldn’t the company listen to everything? If anything, it’s just good PR. People defended this shit, too. People who no fucking concept how the real world works.

– Asuna has to explain that the Amusphere will shut off automatically if Kirito’s about to die. Uh-huh. You’d think that someone would’ve explained this to the nurse beforehand before letting the nurse oversee the guy’s safety.

– Yui then tells Asuna to take Kirito’s hand. Uh-huh. Even though he can’t hear you in real life, the warmth of his waifu’s hand will reach him in-game somehow.

– Yui lament, however, that she can’t hold her papa’s hands.

– No context necessary.

– OH MY GOD, IT’S EVEN DUMBER THAN I THOUGHT:

Asuna: “No, that isn’t true. I’m sure your hands will also reach him.”

SHE THEN PROCEEDS TO PUT KIRITO’S LIFELESS HAND ON THE FUCKING PHONE:

Don’t even get me started on how Yui even knows the hand is on the phone. Like how does she know? Y’know what? I’m dead. I’m dead, man. SAO has slain me. Instead of watching the actual duel between Kirito and Death Gun, this is what I get. This is what I get. DON’T WORRY, AI LOLI, PAPA CAN FEEL YOUR WARMTH TOO. HERE GROPE THIS PHONE, BAE. YOUR FAKE E-DAUGHTER WANTS TO FEEL YOUR CARESSES.

– Yeah, yeah, cheer Kirito on together with your fake e-daughter. All Asuna gets to do in this arc is pray by the Gary Stu’s side. Wait, no, she may as well pray to him. I’m glad we cut away from the fight to show the world that Asuna is the perfect waifu! Take notes, ladies!

– Are you kidding me? Kirito suddenly links Death Gun’s red eyes to someone who had red eyes back in Aincrad. Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, of the entire guild, only one of them wore a mask that had red eyes! That’s his look, yo. He’s the only one who was allowed to wear a skull mask with red eyes! Don’t steal it!

– And just like that, Kirito knows Death Gun’s real… uh, in-game name: Zaza. No, wait, it’s Red-eyed Zaza. Ain’t nobody else got red eyes! In truth, however, this just makes the villain come across as a complete idiot. If it’s true that he was the infamous Red-eyed Zaza, then WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU PICK A LOOK THAT GIVES IT AWAY? I’m going to kill again… and I’m going to look exactly like how I looked in SAO!

– Kirito: “This attack via prediction line is an illusion containing all of Sinon’s experience, insight, and fighting spirit! I can’t wait this last attack… THIS PHANTOM BULLET!” Snort.

– This… this doesn’t even look cool.

You’d think they’d put everything in this climactic moment, and it looks like that. Holy fuck.

– And for some reason, Death Gun explodes. Okay.

– Death Gun’s body is cut in half, but he is still “alive” enough to say a few final words to Kirito. How come you don’t see this when other people? Why does Death Gun actually get to lie there on the ground and keep yapping? Because once again, SAO has never been about being true to MMOs.

– Then Kirito has to coolly walk away from Death Gun’s lifeless body. Walk away to what? Shouldn’t he log out now? Shouldn’t he rush to ensure Sinon’s safety in the real world? Didn’t he say the bad guy could be in Sinon’s room right now?! Like right the fuck now?! No, I’d rather look cool and walk away from the camera!

– And now, he’s walking towards Sinon! LOG THE FUCK OUT. BOTH OF YOU. LOG. THE. FUCK. OUT.

– There are so many reasons to log out. So many reasons! Sinon’s possibly in grave danger! I gotta give the name Zaza to my bosses, so they can track the bad guy down! Asuna and my friends will probably want to see me in real life!

– THEY”RE SMILING AT EACH OTHER. C’MON.

– THEY’RE BROFISTING AGAIN. C’MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON.

– Remember: it doesn’t matter that Death Gun is dead in game. First, he can just fucking respawn and wait for them to leave the tournament. Secondly, he’s still alive in the real world. He still has people’s addresses. He could be meeting up with his accomplices right now. But please, let’s just stand there and marvel at how fucking beautiful the sky looks.

– Oh right, right… we can’t possibly log out without first deciding the winner of this fucking tournament. All of the things I mentioned above are secondary to that. FIRST THINGS FIRST, ASSHOLES: NAME THE WINNER TO THIS TOURNAMENT!

– Kirito: “With Death Gun gone, his partner that was after you should have left. So if you log out, you should be safe.” How would you know that? HOW WOULD YOU KNOW THAT? That is so dumb. Welp, my accomplice died in-game, so I guess I should just leave! No hard feelings, right, Sinon? Oh right, you can’t hear me! Hahaha, silly me! Anyway, I’ll just be on my way!

– But even if Kirito was right, that’s such a dumb risk to take.

– And again, Death Gun isn’t gone. He was defeated in the BoB tournament. That’s it. He’s not gone. This is so fucking stupid.

– Kirito suggests, “But it would be safest to call the police, anyway.” Sinon comes back with, “What would I even tell the police?” Kirito replies, “Huh, that’s right!” It doesn’t matter! Someone possibly broke into your house. Even if they hadn’t, they know your address. That by itself is enougLDELEKJRLJDSFOJUDLFK

– So Sinon leans in and whispers her name and address to Kirito. Yeah, she leans in. ‘Cause there are people around them. Save me, Gary Stu. Save me! I won’t call the police. Only you can save me! Yes, they’re still talking. Yes, it’s likely that everyone in the real world is still watching this entire shit unfold.

– Wait, wait. Let me fucking guess. She’ll log out, and her classmate will want to rape her, huh? C’mon, this is Rape Art Online, after all. If Kirito doesn’t save a girl from near rape, it doesn’t count! We’ve all seen the ALO arc!

– Oh hey, what a coincidence! Sinon even lives nearby. Tokyo is so small, haha!

– Kirito asks, “After I log out, want me to go there?” Sinon’s reply? “No, I’m fine. There’s a friend near me I trust.” And then the Gary Stu will literally save Sinon from this “friend” that she trusts, proving once and for all that you can’t trust other men. You can only trust the Gary Stu! Every other man is a rapist!

– Sinon: “Anyway, are you just going to have me reveal my personal info, and that’s it?” Who the fuck cares? It’s not like GGO will disappear. It’s not like Kirito will disappear. You fuckers can just log in tomorrow and share your shitty fucking info then. NO, I NEED TO KNOW THE GARY STU’S REAL NAME NOW.

– Jesus Christ, the giant heads and nonexistent shoulders. The animation in this show isn’t even good.

– Kirito says that before they log out, they need to end the tournament: “Want to have another duel like yesterday.” For fuck’s sake…

– So instead, the two of them have a lover’s suicide. Sinon pulls out a grenade, tosses it at Kirito, then hugs him tightly. Yep. This will ensure that they are both winners of the game. But, uh, everyone’s watching you. Everyone just saw how you conspired to make this a tie. This isn’t cheating… how? But of course, in this universe, nobody gives a shit. The spectators are cheering gleefully instead. There are fireworks all across GGO as well. What a joke. Smartest anime, my ass.

– So dumb. So, so dumb.

– We see Sinon log out and proceed to search her house for the intruder. She doesn’t call the police. She doesn’t call her mom. She doesn’t even wield a weapon on her in case she needs to defend herself. She just nonchalantly searches her house for the intruder.

– Oh hey, it’s her trusted friend!

– Even if Kyoji was truly a trusted friend, why wouldn’t they leave this unsafe location? Even if Kyoji wasn’t one of the three bad guys, the bad guys still know where Sinon lives. But do we see any sense of urgency in the girl? No, she sits there all proud and shit because she just “won” the BoB tournament.

– But now that the tournament is over, Kyoji wants her to be his again. Uh oh!

– Never change, Rape Art Online…

Never change.

– Truth is, she could kick him super hard in the balls right now, but…

– Kyoji starts crying about how GGO was his life. Good lord. Ban all VRMMOs. Ban them all.

– Kyoji: “I’m sure you’re the only girl in Japan who’s killed a real bad guy with a real gun.” Yep, only her. You got it, buddy.

– This scene just keeps going and going and going. Kyoji has to reveal EVERYTHING, I guess. Bad people just love to sit there and yap incessantly about nothing. Why he singled Sinon out, why he chose the gun that he chose, why he killed Zexceed, etc. It’s just bad, cliche storytelling.

– Oh my god, here’s the saddest part. Sinon then fades away because she no longer wants to hear or see anything. Basically, she just gives up. But then she remembers how Kirito was going to come see her! She can’t be fucking assed to save herself, but the Gary Stu is what changes her mind. This is so pathetic. Sinon’s in-game self suddenly comes by to give her a pep-talk. Ahahahaha, whatever. It doesn’t bother me necessarily that Sinon gives up. Obviously, she’s been through a lot of shit. Obviously, she’s traumatized. Obviously, some people freeze up. It’s the Gary Stu’s presence that’s troublesome. Just the mere thought of him alone gives her strength to fight back. Otherwise, she would’ve allowed herself to be raped. Just think how fucking insulting that is.

– But Sinon can’t even save herself:

SAO won’t allow that. The haremette can’t be self-sufficient. All she’s allowed to do is buy time so that the Gary Stu can burst into the room and play the fucking hero.

– And that’s exactly what he does:

Tune in next time to see Sinon cry into Kirito’s manly chest.

Well, you guys, it’s been a long time coming. But we’ve finally made it to end. It’s… it’s almost enough to make a grown man cry. What will we ever do without the Gary Stu! As you can see from the picture above, he is a living god. What will we do without his blessing?!

– Yeah, I’d be frightened too if I saw these weirdos approaching me from the sky.

– At first, it seems as though the evil foreigners are winning this small skirmish. But wait, what’s that! Oh, it’s the invincible Gary Stu. False alarm, you guys.

– The Gary Stu then proceeds to bring people back to life. The bad guys keep shooting the good guys down, but Tatsuya is so overpowered, he just keeps bringing his allies back to life just so they can get shot down again. Awesome plan, you guys.

– C’mon, if Tatsuya really wanted to, I’m sure he could kill all of the bad guys with a single fart, then revive his allies. Wouldn’t that make more sense?

– What’s even happening anyway?

Where does the blood on the ground go? Where does the bullet in the person’s body go? Why is this show so unmitigatedly bullshit? This is where some Mahouka apologist proceeds to write a 10-page treatise on how Tatsuya’s powers make perfect sense.

– Someone even utters the name Mahesvara as the camera zooms in close to Tatsuya’s face. Who cares? Who fucking cares? This doesn’t change anything. We already knew Tatsuya was a Gary Stu. Oh, so now he’s a religious Gary Stu? Big deal. It’s still a shit story, and he’s still a shit character.

– I don’t care what Tatsuya is supposed to represent if it’s not done in an interesting way. Even when they made movies about Jesus, the movies were only interesting when Jesus started out as a flawed and nuanced character with human struggles because — gasp! — it’s like we’re humans and shit!

– Even deities had an evil counterpart that gave them trouble. Mahouka can’t even be assed to give us that. We just have these faceless Chinese badmen, and they’re nothing more than ants beneath Tatsuya’s soles. Too bad he ain’t got any soul.

– Even the bad guys are now sucking his dick. How do you identify with this shit? Does your life suck that bad that you need Mahouka to be your form of escapism? Are you that powerless that you need to imagine yourself as walking, talking, flying God?

– What have we come to? This is the final episode of Mahouka, and I don’t even feel as though the good guys are in danger. Hell, they’re not even slightly perturbed. Even Sword Art Online, an amateurish piece of shit in its own right, had enough storytelling chops to put a damsel in distress, thereby creating tension. Kirito still dicked around for an entire arc before saving his e-waifu, but at least he had a real mission that he could fail! Mahouka, on the other hand, is like a five-year-old’s fantasy. There’s no danger whatsoever. There’s no sense of urgency. There’s just this vague feeling of “Well, they’re going to steal secrets from the Magic Association Branch Office, so…”

– Basically, there’s just one really dumb-looking action figure bringing all the other dumb-looking action figures back to life, then they all proceed to destroy the toy tanks. But here’s the thing: it’s cute when a five-year-old plays with his or her toys and pretends as though he or she’s invincible. This is just… it’s just sad, man. Sad and pathetic.

– Lots of action lines. Lots of action lines on top of still shots. Then we shake those shots a bunch!

Good job, Madhouse. We wouldn’t want you to overexert yourself or anything. I’m not even being sarcastic. Don’t even waste your time on this shit. Save your effort for Parasyte or something. God knows both your anime series this season have sucked balls.

– We see Zhou Gongjin surrender some of his allies to the Crimson Prince. Those dastardly foreigners will even betray their own kind!

– Elsewhere, Tatsuya’s friends sit around on an aircraft to discuss… sigh, they’re sitting around to discuss Tatsuya’s awesome reviving match. Even in the final episode of the series, we have to sit around and spew a bunch of bullshit about the “magic” in this universe.

– If you must know, Tatsuya’s special power is called Regrowth.

– Blah blah blah, the Gary Stu can restore anything back to its original state. One thus can’t help but wonder why he doesn’t just become a wandering savior, curing the sick and healing the wounded.

Why is he stuck at some shit school, protecting a mentally-ill sister who wants to jump his bones? Well, Miyuki takes umbrage at the suggestion that Tatsuya should help people with his power, because in order to perform this spell, Tatsuya will have to feel 150 times the pain and suffering of his patients. So y’see, the Gary Stu had to hurt himself just to save his friends! Now bow to your god! BOW TO YOUR GOD! He takes upon himself all your pain and suffering just for your sake! 150 times! How do they even know it’s exactly 150 times? Well, it’s a big enough number to make us feel sorry for the Gary Stu, right? Right? Nope. As always, the self-martyrdom is off the fucking charts. But is the Gary Stu really healing us if he gives us cancer in return?

– Miyuki continues, “Do you really mean to say that he should still use that power for others?” Give me a break. Don’t act so fucking self-righteous. When they suggested that, they didn’t know he felt 150 times the pain and suffering of others. The suggestion made sense then, and it arguably makes sense even now. But of course, Miyuki looks so fucking offended for her brother. She’s basically a Tatsuya Justice Warrior, and she can’t believe you plebes would even dare suggest that her oniichan should feel pain for other people’s sakes. She can’t even! Check your privilege, shitlords!

– Plus, this just makes Tatsuya look even dumber. Remember when I said this?

C’mon, if Tatsuya really wanted to, I’m sure he could kill all of the bad guys with a single fart, then revive his allies. Wouldn’t that make more sense?

Uguu, he feels so much pain! So he’ll just revive people, let them die again, then revive them again! Uh-huh, sure does seem as though he’s feeling 150 times the pain, guys.

– Elsewhere, Mr. Polo Shirt is unfazed by the latest developments. Yo, we’ll just launch Plan B. What’s Plan B? Apparently, part of Plan B involves Lu Gonghu becoming a furry. Yeah, the Gary Stu just had to fart in his direction before, but pretending to be a tiger with boobs will somehow change that.

– Naturally, Tatsuya’s dumbass friends get the bright idea that it’s up to them to stop the furry. Hey, someone’s gotta do the dirty work to get some action up in here. All we’ve seen Tatsuya do all episode is revive people! It’s the last episode and all the hero can seem to do is just play God.

– C’mon, Erika, length doesn’t matter if you can’t even hit the pussy!

– I like how the battle between the tiger furry and Tatsuya’s friends is far more tense than all of the previous battles involving the Gary Stu combined. There’s actually a bit of back-and-forth between the two sides. The tiger furry initially has the upper hand, but Mayumi and crew slowly wear him down with their various powers. Would this have been too hard to do with Tatsuya? Does Tatsuya really need to just fart at people to beat them?

– Despite these high school students’ best efforts, Mr. Polo Shirt has infiltrated the Magic Association Branch Office. He even has to smirk as he does so. Oh no, he’s going to steal all of our donuts! But what should he find? Gasp! The Mary Sue was waiting for him all this time!

Then she explains to Mr. Polo Shirt why his spell didn’t work on her. Good lord. Last episode, my ass. Go out with a bang, my ass.

– Y’see, Miyuki’s like her brother. She’s not like her friends whatsoever. As a result, she just freezes Mr. Polo Shirt to death. Her friends had to go toe-to-toe with the tiger furry, but nuh-uh, you ain’t getting the same from Miyuki. She just talks a bunch of bullshit, then she freezes him. Now that’s what I call a climax!

– We cut back to Tatsuya, who’s owning the Chinese badmen left and right. I mean, what else would he be doing? Breaking a sweat? Please. Pretending as though he feels 150 times your pain and suffering? Sure!

– So the Chinese badmen retreat, but the good guys don’t pursue. If they destroy the Chinese badmen’s ship now, the marine life would take too much of a hit. So we’ll just jump ahead in the day… and just like that, it’s now magically safe to gun down the ship.

– Tatsuya aims this fancy ass rifle and just as he’s about to take the shot, the Chinese badmen have the following exchange:

Chinese Badman A: “Just as we thought, the Japanese military didn’t return fire.”
Chinese Badman B: “Humph… As if those people had that kind of guts. … They’re so caught up in their hypocritical concern for the environment that they’ll meekly allow the enemy to retreat.”

Just as he says that, his shit gets annihilated by a Material Burst, which looks like this:

Ho ho ho, we sure showed you foreigners!! There’s no hard-fought victory or anything. Tatsuya just takes aim, the Chinese badmen humiliate themselves, then one explosive fart wipes them all out. Yay, we’ve crushed the Chinese badmen!

– But with just a few minutes left in the episode, the good guys receive news that more Chinese badmen are gathering elsewhere. Quick! We need to wipe more of the dirty foreigners out!

– At the same time, Miyuki has a boring, pointless conversation with her aunt that doesn’t go anywhere. Just something about how Tatsuya can’t break his vow.

– This is the biggest lie I’ve ever heard.

– But cut the bullshit. This is just another excuse to watch the Gary Stu fart at the Chinese badmen some more. Look, he even takes off his pants this time, so you know the fart is serious business:

Let this image of the Gary Stu’s ass imprint itself into your memories forever, so that you may never forget Tatsuya, our one and only savior. When you’re 60, be sure to tell your kids that you were there to watch Mahouka. That you were there…

– Oh yeah, the Gary Stu is breaking some serious wind:

Just listen to the splendorous music coming from Tatsuya’s butt bassoon:

And that’s it:

The Gary Stu blows a giant chunk out of the earth with his own hole. By itself, this event is so momentous, future historians refer to this day as “Scorched Halloween.” Yeah, I’m not even shitting you. And then… and then what?

– A monologue from Miyuki is all we get:

“Not only was it a turning point in military history, it is also regarded as a turning point in history itself.”

We don’t even get an ending. The Gary Stu farts twice, and the show is now over. What was the point of all this? That some new fucking era has begun? Oh wow, what a conclusion. We just killed a bunch of people and ushered in a new era of destructive power, but yo, magic is so great!

– After the credits roll, Miyuki jumps into her returning brother’s arms:

But elsewhere, their aunt says something about inviting the two of them over to her place, and Tatsuya — even though he’s probably miles away from his aunt — suddenly looks like he needs to take a massive dump. Well, I’ve got to take a massive dump. Look, the Gary Stu hears all. Because I just sat through twenty-six godforsaken episodes of this trainwreck. But dear lord, they want to make a sequel, don’t they?

– Is this the worst anime I’ve seen in years? Yes.

I guess the show is still on hiatus. ‘Cause for the second week in a row, nothing of interest happens. You often hear that it’s a bad thing when characters are poorly developed. We should totally flesh out their backstories, blah blah blah. This way, the audience will be emotionally invested in these characters’ fate, and we’ll totally feel bad when Akame ga Kill! inevitably offs them. Well, that’s the theory, anyway. Still, it matters how you develop the characters, and the show just doesn’t do it in a way that makes me want to give a shit. For instance, Tatsumi and Lubbock have a short bro moment in which the latter confesses that he’s in love with Najenda. Yep, he was the son of some wealthy merchant, but he threw it all away to follow her. Compelling story? Not really. Will I cry when Lubbock dies? Nah, of course not. Did we just waste precious minutes telling the audience this pathetically thin backstory? Absolutely. And you know how in reality TV shows, when people are about to be kicked off the show, we suddenly learn a bunch of pointless shit about them? Welp, we’ve just given Lubbock the requisite amount of character development. And in stories with this sort of lazy storytelling, I bet you we won’t learn anything else about Lubbock. We’ve done enough! We can just ride it out until he dies!

The same thing sort of happens earlier with Bols. He saves two citizens from certain death, but because of the way he looks, they’re still afraid of him. Wave thinks this is totally unfair, forgetting the fact that he initially judged Bols the same way too. So we learn that Bols used to do some terrible things like execute people he was ordered to execute. Yawn. Is that all you’ve got? All of sudden, his wife and daughter drops by with a picnic basket, and this is basically Akame ga Kill!‘s schtick. Oh, you thought Bols was a freak because of how he looks, huh? Well, you’re totally wrong; he’s a family man! But while this might shock and amuse, I dunno, teenagers, I just find this sort of non-twist rather amateurish. It’s not surprising. It’s not funny. It’s not anything. It’s just valuable time wasted on a useless character I never wanted to know about, and I still don’t care to know about. The anime wastes its time on so much fluff that doesn’t amount to anything. Like with Lubbock, he’s received the minimum required amount of character development too. He’s now as disposable as the rest of them. Sadly, people actually have positive things to say about the Jaegers in general. How anyone can praise this shit is beyond me.

As for the side story regarding the new Danger Beasts — y’know, the ones first introduced at the end of last week’s episode — I don’t know why the anime is dragging it out so much. The narrative is even going through the motions of making the whole thing seem like a mystery. Gosh, where are these Danger Beasts coming from? I searched Dr. Stylish’s lab, and I think he might have had a second one! Do you think these Danger Beasts are escaped test subjects?! Even the good guys waste time debating what they should do about the new threat. In actuality, it’s just another excuse to have Tatsumi say something heroic about how it’s their duty to protect the people. C’mon, get on with the story already. Is anyone actually on the edge of their seat over this side story? Is anyone actually hooked in by the appearance of these Danger Beasts? I really doubt it. I really, really doubt it. At best, this side story is a minor distraction. So it’s laughable for Akame ga Kill! to suddenly act as though this is some great, big mystery. Plus, maybe the story would actually go somewhere if we didn’t waste time on so many stupid, pointless scenes. Hurr hurr, your fly is down, Tatsumi. What a dork! Susanoo, you can help us pick up chicks (as if Tatsumi could ever do such a thing)!

The entire episode is just all over the place as another significant chunk is devoted to Esdeath’s continued infatuation over our bland shounen hero. Esdeath hasn’t given up on Tatsumi! She’s so in love — oh! — everything’s changed about her personality. She’ll even take a “moonlit stroll” these days! Again, who cares? Esdeath’s a shitty, uninteresting character who’s defined solely by the fact that’s she’s a strong, powerful woman who is nevertheless a slave to Tatsumi’s dick. There isn’t a single redeeming aspect to her character. She isn’t even a good villain nor does she have any compelling motivation. But uguu, she has giant breasts. I don’t think I need to explain why that’s important. Also, her loyalty to her troops. ‘Cause people don’t give a shit that she orders her troops to rape and murder entire villages. They just want to know whether or not they’ll be rewarded for being pathetically slavish. That’s what people think love is. Just become a devoted loser, and by golly, you should reward me with sex. Most of all, Esdeath is in love with blandness. And because she’s in love with blandness, there’s… there’s a small chance she might be in love with me! That’s all there is to her character. People trying to psychoanalyze Esdeath and shit, it’s fucking hilarious.

Anyway, the episode ends with Tatsumi unluckily running into Esdeath. Oh gosh, what will happen to him next? She’s so overpowered, she could probably knock him out with a single flick of her finger. But I can’t wait to see what bullshit Akame ga Kill! will pull out of its ass next week! Nah, I’m just kidding. I don’t care. Why should I? It doesn’t seem like the anime cares either. Most two-cour shows have the courtesy to end their first cour on a high note. Instead, look what Akame ga Kill! has given us. Great stuff, huh?

This is the end of yet another amazing harem anime, you guys. Tune in for the last of the tsundere sharks (yeah, I’m not doing that next season).

– Last episode of the season? This is how much TNK cares:

I would love to watch a documentary about the process of making anime. As you can see from the screenshot above, the budget for this show is woefully, woefully low. If it’s that low, then, well, why are we even bothering to adapt this story?

– In any case, I think the girls are going at it alone… for now. The harem lead is still injured, but we know he will eventually the fray anyway. It’s just a matter of when.

– So it’s Team Scarlet versus Velsaria’s team, right? Nah:

She’s just going to summon a giant, mecha-looking thing to kick everyone’s ass. When did this happened, anyway? I thought a Blade Dance would at least feature swords. And since everyone’s an elementalist, I figured we summon more shitty Pokemon-rejects. What’s with the mecha? Shows you how much I’ve been paying attention to the story…

– There’s something sadly funny about Velsaria aiming her cannons at the girls, which then prompted one of the girls to chime out, “She’s going to attack!” Give her a gold star, everybody! Naw, you think?

– Considering how Team Scarlet are all standing in one place, I really don’t think such a wide arc of explosions is necessary:

But eeeeeh, what do I know? I’m not a hot anime babe.

– Apparently, our heroines are safe ’cause Rinslet shot Velsaria’s shots down. Shooting down shots. Yeah.

– It saddens me that some of you guys are only following this show through my posts, and as such, you cannot hear the amazing sound effects coming through my speakers as Rinslet releases her ice arrows. Truly amazing sound work. I never thought ice arrows would sound like FWOMP FWOMP FWOMP.

– And the ice arrows work! ‘Cause a giant mecha-looking thing like that somehow has weak resistances to magic! An elementalist like Velsaria literally summons that thing to battle against other elementalists, so you’d think her “fortress” would be good against like-minded magic users… but naw dawg, that’s just not how she rolls.

– Uh-huh, uh-huh, use your wind-based spells to take your sister down:

Wait, what? That looks like a fireball:

– This dialogue:

Velsaria: “Lost Queen… I thought you were smarter than this.”
Fianna: “Yes, but I like the way I am right now.”

“You’re dumb.” “I like being dumb!”

– Eventually, Claire and Fahrenfart combine their powers to make this Mountain Dew and Cheetos tornado:

But alas, it is not enough. I’m actually kind of tired at the way this battle just keeps dragging on and on. There aren’t any real stages to it. Both sides just throw attacks at each other indiscriminately. We then cut to Kamito every once in a while so we can see how concerned he looks.

– The girls even proceed to have a conversation while explosions are happening all around them. They’re literally surrounded in smoke, but they’re all smiles and shit:

– Today, I learned that if you freeze a mecha then shoot fire at the ice, you can break the mecha. Then Fahrenfart uses her wind powers to blow the chunks of broken mecha away. So did the haremettes win without Kamito’s help? Did they really do something for themselves without his aid?

– Nah:

Velsaria has a cursed seal within her. C’mon, harem lead! It’s time for you to flex your dick and save your girls!

– You’d think the school officials would step in and try and stop this. Yo, one of our students is going mad and she’s just hurt a bunch of her classmates. We should do something! Nope. Not gonna happen: “I’m not very happy you’re using my students, but I’ll allow it.”

– Naturally, Velsaria turning evil means our haremettes must now be attacked by black, smoky tentacles:

Seriously? Very much so. Luckily, Fahrenfart’s the only one unaffected. At least Velsaria isn’t into incest…

– Basically, Velsaria is draining Kamito’s girls of their divine energy. Nobody drains their energy but him, so he now enters the fray like we always knew he would.

– Snort:

– Whoops, I spoke too soon:

Good thing Fahrenfart even apologizes to the harem lead before her imminent death.

– Kinda looks like a dumber version of that Chobits girl, now that you think about it…

Maybe you can “turn her off” the same way.

– What gets me is how Kamito proceeds to fight Velsaria by himself. The girls aren’t even injured, but they’re still relegated to the sidelines to whisper, “Sugoi!”

– But y’see, Kamito’s still injured, so he can’t fight for long. As a result, Fianna throws some green ball of healing energy at the guy. It’s just a green ball of healing energy. There’s no better way to describe it, because that’s literally what it looks like. This is the height of our imagination, folks.

– With renewed power, and some help finally from the haremettes, Kamito penetrades Velsaria’s defenses and ends the girl’s threat once and for all:

Getting a bit too close for comfort, buddy:

This alone, however, somehow brings the girl to tears. Uh, okay. Not only that, Restia is just posing all over the place in the corner for some damn reason:

I’d love to know the guy who storyboarded this episode. What was he thinking? What made him decide that this was the best way to tell this story?

– Truth be told, I’m only even blogging this for the sake of completion. Plus, there’s nothing but M3 – Sono Kuroki Hagane left to watch before the fall season starts. Doesn’t that depress you? It kind of depresses me.

– Blah blah blah, I won thanks to the power of friendship. You have no friends, Velsaria!

– Elsewhere, the headmistress finally does something and confronts the lady who had been passing out cursed seals like candy. Buuuuut I’m about done caring about this show, so I’m just going to skip ahead of this nonsense.

– Like a lot of recent harem anime adaptations, the story never got anywhere. Why? ‘Cause this shit somehow has like multiple light novel volumes dedicated to telling its story. The light novels currently go up to fourteen, and I think the anime only covers three of those volumes. Or four. The exact number doesn’t matter. The point is, this shit goes on forever, and we can be somewhat thankful that anime as an industry doesn’t have the funds to adapt all of it.

– The good guys celebrate with caeki…

…and we are dooooone.

Yep, we are done. I haven’t decided how I want to cover next season’s five or six harem shows. With so many of them, maybe we can actually have a decent contest to decide the season’s shittiest harem anime. But shrug, I’ll figure that all out when the time comes. In the meantime, here are your damn tsundere sharks:

You think I actually remember anything about Buddy Complex anymore? Hell no. I just know some dude got sent to the future, he connected with Dio a whole bunch, then he saved his girl from her yandere admirer. Well, when you put it that way, I’m starting to think I remember too much about the show. But wait a minute… I thought this anime was going to get a second season and not just two dinky “final chapters.” What happened there? Maybe the show just didn’t do well enough to warrant another season. Honestly, this wouldn’t surprise me. The original series was mediocre at best. Or maybe I just got the wrong info to begin with, and there was never going to be a second season. In any case, the start of our first “final chapter” picks up exactly where the season finale had left off. So if you really think about it, Sunrise should’ve planned this out better. These last two “final chapters” should’ve been the final two episodes of the original series, and to make it work, two of the crappier episodes should’ve been left on the cutting room floor. ‘Cause honestly, Buddy Complex had a lot of filler-ish nonsense, e.g. the episode where a camera crew came aboard the Cygnus to film a propaganda piece. But who knows? Maybe the story can finish up with a bang.

As a reminder, Buddy Complex is really about Aoba and Hina, but Dio somehow dominates much of the conversation for a good chunk of the anime. Hina was, up until now, trapped in a time loop. She would go back in time in order to protect Aoba from a jealous Bizon. To accomplish this, she would have to send both herself and Aoba forward in time, but unfortunately, they’d always be separated from each other not just in location but in time as well. Hina would revert back into a child in a wartorn country, and not only that, she’d lose all her memories too. Here, she gets adopted by a Zogilian officer, becomes an object of Bizon’s creepy crush, then grows up to become a Zogilian soldier herself. At that point, she’d run into Aoba again, suddenly have her doubts about her identity and Zogilia, which would anger Bizon. In order to protect Bizon, she would have to send… yeah, it’s convoluted. It’s not even complicated. It’s just convoluted, but this sort of thing comes with the territory. If you’re going to do an anime about time-traveling, this is actually the least you could expect. Usually, time-traveling movies get even more ridiculous than this (see: Primer).

To be honest, the premise wasn’t even that bad. It was not super original or anything, but it was alright for a mecha anime, y’know? You could certainly spin a decent time-traveling love story out of this. Unfortunately, the execution left much to be desired. After the first episode, Buddy Complex lost sight of the love story and focused entirely too much attention on the whole Coupling gimmick. For about half the series, every episode was thus an explanation on how Coupling worked. The narrative would also devote precious time to unveiling yet another super power as a result of said Coupling. Aoba did run into Hina from time to time, but their relationship would not actually begin until more than half the series had already come and gone. There was thus little time left to develop their anything between them. It ended up feeling as though Hina had a change-of-heart overnight when this sort of thing should have been a slow churn, so to speak. A lot of this was also due to the need to develop Dio’s character, and while it was amusing to joke about him and Aoba being the OTP of the show, he ended up becoming quite extraneous to the whole time-traveling plot. So honestly, I don’t even know why his character was even necessary. Maybe the final chapters can shed some light on this.

Anyway, enough talk about the original series. Let’s get into the first final chapter…

– So will Hina be a defector or a prisoner of war? I like how this can be determined with just a single conversation with Kuramitsu. She basically says she only knows she wants to be with Aoba. That works well enough for Kuramitsu, who then replies that he’ll submit the paperwork to have her stay on the ship as an auxiliary Coupler. That was easy.

– This bottomless cleavage shot seems kind of tasteless, especially when you’re asking the girl whether or not she can shoot her former comrades.

– Remember Bizon, the yandere dude? Remember how he went through that wormhole at the end of the original series? Well, in this timeline, he also exists as some wheelchair-bound, old guy, and he’s not Bizon anymore. He’s Evgeni Kedar! ‘Cause y’see, he got sent back to the past, so he proceeded to stay there until now, blah blah blah.

And somehow, he has built up enough pull over time to stage a coup d’etat of the great Zogilian Republic. Never underestimate what a yandere guy will do to get his girl. Aoba might impress Hina with his charms, his boyish good looks, and his open-minded “connections” with Dio, but Bizon is playing the long game. What girl wouldn’t fall head over heels for a decrepit old man who has held a torch for her after all these goddamn years. That’s love, buddy. That’s love.

– The coup d’etat got the shaft, though. With a second season, this particular plot thread could’ve been developed into something more. Like seriously, I can see how it might be easy to stage a coup d’etat for some small, third-world nation that hardly anyone cares about, but Zogilia’s one of the two big powers on the entire planet. Buuuut we only get two final chapters, so the best we can do is a news announcement: “Oh by the way, there has been a coup d’etat…” Then again, maybe it’s a good thing Sunrise didn’t waste its efforts on making a second season of Buddy Complex. It all depends on how good, uh, Cross Ange turns out to be.

– Even Alfried isn’t happy with the sudden change in leadership, which just goes to show you how rushed everything is.

– Aoba tries to give Hina some words of comfort, but she just flat out says, “Besides, you’re a failure of a soldier, right?” Geez, girl,  you didn’t have to put it so bluntly. Still, she trusts him so, uh, that’s neat? Dio interrupts this touching moment, however, to tell Aoba that they are headed to… space? Really? What’s up in space?

– It turns out there’s a Zogilian satellite up in outer space. It’s called the Gorgon, and it’s equipped with a NECTAR cannon “four to five times the size of the one in Alaska.” See, I was led to believe that the cannon in Alaska was some top secret, prototype weapon that Zogilia had barely used. So it was sort of an achievement for our heroes to take it down at the end of the original series. All of a sudden, however, there’s an even bigger cannon… and it’s in space!

Well, this is the final chapter, so obviously, we need something to top the cannon in Alaska. Also, the weapon isn’t exactly complete… or so we’re told. Even so, however, this cannon’s appearance comes so sudden that it feels jarring. I guess we just have to make due, but it doesn’t make the story seem any less haphazard.

– Needless to say, you know what the heroes have to do: go up there and wreck that goddamn Gorgon! But can the Cygnus and the Coupling mechas even operate in space? Apparently, they can… just attach boosters to them! It’s just that easy, you guys. Again, it feels like we’re rushing things hard to make the final chapters work.

– It also feels a bit strange to introduce a new character at this stage of the game, but here’s Ensign Watase. He’s just one of the extra pilots for this mission, but the story feels the need to highlight his existence, so he must be important somehow… Still, the first episode is already half over, and I assume the second episode will be the same length. So there isn’t really much time left to do anything, much less squeeze in a new face. Maybe the only purpose to his character is to remind us that Aoba’s good at piloting mechas.

– Then out of nowhere, the anime jumps ahead by several weeks. Not only is everyone in spacesuits, the Cygnus is now equipped with two ugly boosters. They really are an eyesore. And now, the ship has shimmering, uh, energy wings?

– Zogilian forces immediately intercept the good guys, so we jump headfirst into a battle. I gotta say, however, that the animation has looked pretty nice so far. Even the space battle itself doesn’t look too shabby. It’s just too bad the original series couldn’t keep this level up.

– Alfried: “I do not agree with this, but if they claim it is my duty as a soldier, then I will obey.” Buddy, do you realize how dumb this sounds?

– Our heroes are told that they have even less time than ever to Couple because they are in space, so they’ll have to get the job done quick. But as soon as our heroes show up to the fight, Alfried and his troops retreat. It turns out it was just a trap to draw the Coupling mechas away from the Cygnus. As soon as Aoba and Dio are committed to their end of the fight, enemy mechas reveal themselves. Y’see, they had been disguising themselves as space debris.

– Ah, classic Aoba and Dio butting heads over what to do. Aoba wants to go back and save the Cygnus, and stiff-ass Dio wants to stay the course.

– All of a sudden, the Gorgon activates and fires a blast so powerful, it wipes out significant portions of both fleets. Bizon is so hellbent on his quest for revenge that he is willing to kill his own people to get the job done. He says this is just war, but I don’t buy it. We all know he’s obsessed with Aoba and Hina.

– Once again, Hina shows up out of nowhere to save Aoba’s ass. At what point did she jump into her mecha? Or was she always part of the mission and the anime just deliberately kept this from us?

– Elsehwere, Alfried sits there in complete shock. He can’t believe the military would turn on its own kind. Welp, I guess we’re headed for an ending where he teams up with our heroes to take out Bizon… I guess the writers liked him too much to have him stay a villain.

– Kuramitsu feels that they have no choice but to try and take down the Gorgon with the little firepower that they have left. When our heroes try to Couple, however, they find that they can’t do so. This ugly thing that you see above then shows up. Yeah, it’s none other than Bizon, and he’s apparently interfering with the Coupling system with his fancy new mecha. And with that, the episode ends on a bit of a cliffhanger.

Final thoughts?

How do I feel about how the final chapter unfolding? Eh. It feels as rushed as I thought it would be. We do end up with some cool scenes in space, but nothing else about the episode is remarkable. It’s basically just one bit exposition until the big space battle. Plus, nothing got developed. Hina tells Aoba she trusts him completely, and that’s the extent of the character development for the entire episode. Even Dio feels like he’s hardly there.

The biggest problem with the final chapter, however, is that it feels obligatory. It feels like a chore. It feels like Sunrise doesn’t really want to do a second season, but they just can’t just leave the story hanging. So fine, they’ll just wrap this shit up with a two-episode sequel. As a result, there doesn’t seem to be any joy or passion here. Let’s just feed the audience some exposition to justify sending these fuckers up into space, have some pretty explosions, then be done with it. Buddy Complex does have about twenty minutes left to make something out of the sequel, but I don’t see it happening. Oh well, the next final chapter comes out tomorrow, so it’s not like we’ll even have to wait very long to see how everything unfolds.

Yep, as you can see from the screenshot above, we got one of those lame endings. Read on to see how this all unfolded.

– I didn’t even realize Bizon’s new mecha had a penis until a commenter pointed it out to me. Thanks, commenter!

– I would say it’s unbelievable that a guy would stew in resentment for seventy years over losing a girl, but at this point, does it even matter? Nah. But seventy years, man! Still, you’d think at least one person in those seventy long years would’ve told the guy to seek therapy.

– We get awesome lines from Bizon, e.g. “Become a lump of flesh and die!” Your old years are not treating you well, Bizon, ’cause Aoba already is a lump of flesh…

– What’s apparently special about Bizon’s mecha, however, is that it’s Coupling… with itself. I shit you not, the guy is connecting to himself. Talk about masturbatory.

– Meanwhile, Hina’s old allies are mad at her… I feel like they’re only fighting just to keep Hina busy. With Aoba trying to keep old man Bizon at bay, Hina’s gotta have something to do. But that’s primarily the problem with these last two episodes. Like I mentioned in the previous post, the storytelling here feels like an obligation. When Tarjim calls Hina a traitor, there has been no build up to it whatsoever. Hell, we hardly even know Tarjim. So instead, it just feels like he’s simply reading his lines, fulfilling a part he has to play, etc. They just fight because it’s the last episode and they have to fight, not because everything has organically led up to this point.

– Unfortunately for Bizon, he has the same limitations as everyone else: your brain gets fried if you Couple for too long. So after running out of juice, he demands that Hahn removes the Limiter on his mecha. From what I can tell, however, removing Limiters don’t seem to do jack shit these days.

– But Hahn fulfills Bizon’s request anyway, so the crazy guy becomes even crazier. The yandere in him becomes even… yandere-ier, I guess.

– Bizon then tells Hina to stay right there: “I’ll spend plenty of time playing with you once I’ve killed Aoba.” Yeesh.

– So the good guys just do exactly what Bizon is doing: they’re going to solo Couple. C’mon, at that point, do you even have to call it Coupling anymore? And yes, Elvira and company “threw this thing together” in the time that Aoba was trying to hold Bizon off. I know we only have two episodes to finish this entire story up, but we’re not even trying! Naturally, Elvira stands there, talking about the brand-new solo Coupling system to nobody in particular. Exposition ahoy! She then explains how Bizon was able to interfere with the standard Coupling system like it really matters to the audience. No, really, do the finer details really matter to you guys with just ten or so minutes left in the episode? I don’t think so…

– She even insists that solo Coupling puts a great strain on the pilot. I thought the Coupling system already did put a great strain on the pilots. I guess this is an even greater strain. Essentially, Buddy Complex ran out of ideas, so it’s just going to double down on its gimmick.

– No wait, we’re not just doubling down! We’re going to triple down on this shit! As a result, both Hina and Dio connect with Aoba… at the same time!!! How very open-minded of Aoba to say yes to the devil’s threesome.

– I wonder if the writers had a second season full of gimmicks planned out. Like at first, they’d do solo Coupling ’cause maybe Dio got jealous of the bond between Aoba and Hina. Then eventually, the power of friendship brings Dio around, so the three of them then do triple Coupling. But since we only have two episodes left to wrap the story up, we’ll just unveil these two gimmicks back-to-back.

– Something something about Aoba and Hina having the exact wavelength, so they’re like the same person. As a result, tripling becomes possible. If one Aoba wasn’t good enough, have two!

– We thus see how this whooooole mess even started. In the original timeline, Aoba and Hina went on to graduate from college and become research scientists. They thus developed and performed the very first Coupling experiment… on Hina. Somehow, she got sent to the future, where she then fought for the good guys. In a battle against Bizon, however, she then got sent back to the past somehow… and the rest is history. Very, very boring history. I’m not sure if a montage set to some insert song was the best way to go about it, but… eh, time constraints. At the end of the day, however, this montage means that our final chapters have even less content. I mean, sure, we learn how Hina got caught in the loop in the first place, but it wasn’t a huge revelation or anything. She was a researcher and she fell through a wormhole. That doesn’t really justify such a long montage.

– If you thought the coup d’etat in the previous episode was sudden, it seems as though there has been a reverse coup d’etat! And guess who led the charge! Why, it’s our good friend Margaret! As a result, Alfried tries to arrest Bizon. Tries.

– Bizon immediately goes even more nuts, grabs Hina’s mecha, then squeezes hers to his own. We then get lots of rape undertones for no reason: “It’s your fault. If you’d only quietly laid down beneath me…!”

– So Aoba returns with, “I can understand a little of how you feel. Having watched Hina all this time…” Dude, what the fuck is there to understand?

– But it’s okay: our threesome finishes off Bizon. Unfortunately, they do it sloppily, so like every villain ever, Bizon gets to pull one last bullshit out of his ass…

– But before Bizon dies, he commands the Gorgon to unleash all of its power at the same time. In doing so, the satellite will wipe out the entire planet. Oh good, let’s destroy mankind ’cause Aoba NTR’d your ass. Classic anime storyline. Just like how the bad guy in SAO became a murderer just because his super special build became popular thanks to another player. I feel like we’ve given up on giving our villains any sort of realistic motivations. They just go nuts, because going nuts is easy as hell.

– In any case, with all this energy being unleashed, you know where this is going… we’re going to get ourselves another wormhole. I mean, you didn’t think Aoba and Hina would stay in this timeline, did you?

– Thanks to the power of Coupling, Aoba and Dio are going to throw themselves at the Gorgon in a last ditch attempt to destroy it. But then something weird happens, and our two heroes start skipping in time… this is according to Elvira, okay? Honestly, her resulting explanation all sounds like pure hogwash to me, but enjoy the last bit of exposition in the final episode of Buddy Complex.

– I mean, let’s just skip the bullshit. Long story short, our heroes travel back in time just a few moments to before the satellite’s about to go off. This way, they can destroy it before it destroys Earth.

– Aaaaand as soon as the satellite blows up, a wormhole appears. Who would’ve thought! Aoba gets sucked into it, and Hina decides to join him. Dio cries for his departing friend, but… but that’s it. Just a whole bunch of asspulls.

– Seriously though, Buddy Complex‘s asshole must be fucking tired! Let’s take stock at all the bullshit we’ve just pulled out in the last twenty minutes alone. First, Bizon solo Couples, so our heroes joins him just to keep up. Next, to really beat Bizon, our heroes triple Couples… yeah… Not to be outdone, Bizon wants to go all Death Star on the planet, and destroy everything just because… just because what, actually? He lost Hina, Aoba showed him up, and… that justifies sitting around for seventy years in order to take over an entire republic, then use the republic’s resources to blow up the planet? Sure thing, buddy! Ah, but nobody asspulls like the good guys. As a result, Aoba and Dio jump constantly back and forth through time until they get to a point where the satellite hasn’t fired off its laser yet. Then a wormhole conveniently appears to shove Aoba and Hina back to their original timeline. There’s no profound reason why the singularity must appear. It simply does because Sunrise is tired of this shitty franchise that never went anywhere, so let’s just wrap this shit up and be done with it.

– I guess with Bizon and his old-but-not-quite-so-old government gone, there is now peace between Zogilia and the Confederate. That was easy.

– Elsewhere, Elvira and Lee finally tie the knot, and to add insult to injury, Mayuka catches the bouquet. Who’s she going to marry with Aoba missing?! Well, he should be an old man now…

– Then as one final fuck you to the audience, we see a scene in which Hina bumps into Aoba at college, and even though she feels as though she’s met him before, he says that they have not. Since they don’t remember anything, who’s to say this bullshit time-traveling nonsense won’t just repeat itself? The writers must be patting themselves on the back for coming up with that.

– That was… that was bad, man. Since Buddy Complex wasn’t popular enough to justify a second season, you’d think the writers would use this opportunity to take the show in a wild direction if only for just the final two episodes. I mean, who would it hurt? It’s not like the series had a lot of fans to begin with, y’know? So why not just go crazy with the finale and really entertain us? Unfortunately, Sunrise gave us more of the same. Another showdown with Bizon. Another Coupling system… what’s that? You want more Coupling? Triple Coupling! Then of course, we get the dumb reset ending. Why play it so safe? Nobody even likes this shit, so again, why the fuck would you play it so safe? Oh well. I can now finally say that I’m well and truly done with Buddy Complex for good.

What’s this? The final episode to M3? Have my dreams finally come true?!

– Everyone gets to cry! The first few minutes of the episode is just one giant sobfest ’cause nobody has a clue what to do about the Corpse’s insatiable appetite. Tsugumi cries when she realizes that not everyone’s going to judge her the same way (duh). Raika cries because… uh, she “won’t let anything else precious be taken.” Mahmu cries ’cause she’s just a crybaby.

– So what does Raika, who’s been relegated to the sidelines for 99% of the series, decide to do? I mean, surely, this is her time to shine, right? Well, she rolls right up to the Corpse and starts screaming for Akashi. No, really. She screams that she won’t forgive him if he’s really dead. Wow, girl, you totally took major action there. Iwato follows suit, and you almost feel like he’s just doing it out of some obligation to his love interest. Gotta support the missus…

– We then cut to Akashi, who exits from his mecha to explore… well, shit, the Corpse looks like everything else we’ve seen. Black, grey, and more grey.

– But eventually, the guy comes across… the past. Yeah, he sees the whole gang as children, running away from both Tsugumi and the Corpse. Y’know, it was the whole incident that started this mess. No matter how many times I watch this scene, I just can’t feel any sympathy for Tsugumi. I mean, c’mon, Akashi promised to be with her forever? Sasame stole him away? Even if you argue she’s just a child, I just don’t think children act like this.

– Akashi starts blaming himself: “Why the hell didn’t I take Tsugumi with me back then?” Oh, I dunno… you were a child? See, the ones who ran away seem realistic to me. MInashi now shows up and claims, however, that this space is created from the memory of Akashi’s sins. His sin of what? Getting scared as a child and running home to his family? Are you serious with me right now?

– Nice nail job, Minashi.

– Hm, I know where this is going…

– The voice acting here is really weak, I gotta say. Minashi is delivering his villain speech, but it feels like his voice is going to crack at any moment. I realize he’s trying to come across as emotionally vulnerable, but I don’t know… I think it just sounds goofy. It doesn’t really sound like someone who has really swallowed up all the regrets floating around in the Lightless Realm (or so he claims).

– I don’t really have much to say here, to be honest. So far, this scene is just a repeat of everything we’ve seen in the last few weeks. Minashi wants everyone to be one. Akashi doesn’t. Finally, Sasame shows up to help Akashi… and she really just says the same thing as him: she doesn’t want an ending where everyone becomes one. Yaaaaawwn. There’s nothing to comment on because we’ve been down this road before.

– Oh, here’s something new… rejected by both Akashi and Sasame, Minashi thrusts his tendrils into the ground, then all of a sudden, the Corpse forms around him. B-but I thought we were already inside the Corpse…

– So what’s Sasame’s response? This:

Neat!

– Aw, Sasame simply disappears in a column of light, and her mecha appears from the ground magically. I thought she was going to morph into a Corpse-like thing too!

– Minashi then commands the Corpse to eat Akashi… again? Okay, okay, I know this “space” around them is supposed to reflect the memory of Akashi’s sins.

– At the end of the day, you’re just saying that a girl’s job is to be in the back and support the hero. Kinda lame.

– Akashi feels that piloting his love interest feels even closer and warmer than with Aoshi. Poor Aoshi. It’s not like he didn’t try to connect with his lil’ bro. And what does he get? He gets killed off for no damn reason just because Okada wanted to bring Heito back into the picture. Meanwhile, Akashi and Sasame… honestly, they don’t seem like much of a couple. They spent one short night together, but the story wants to convince me that they’re soul mates or something. Shit, after she became a LIM, she and Akashi hardly ever interacted, so y’know, I just don’t see it. I really, really don’t see it.

– I sometimes wonder how awkward it would be to work as a voice actor. How can you say these lines without laughing your ass off? I don’t think I could. They’re so goddamn campy. Hell, I feel even sorrier for the guy who has to do the Corpse’s moans.

– Elsewhere, the rest of the team shoots their way into the Corpse after seeing that Akashi is still alive. Why didn’t they do this in the first place?

– It’s all for naught anyway. Minashi gets the upper hand and starts trying to absorb Akashi again. His friends try to save him, but they can’t. So what now, you guys? What…. now!

– The Corpse starts crying now of all times. Finally, all the hate and painful emotions got the Corpse, so now it no longer wants to fight. Why now, though? Why now, especially when the Corpse hasn’t really been much of an entity? Honestly, the whole thing just comes out of left field. The Corpse has received almost no development as a character. It’s just been this big, bad boogeyman. All of a sudden, it cries, so Tsugumi cries, then she atones for her sins, then the whole LIghtless Realm disappears… just like that. What?

– Rather, I think Okada ran out of time, man. If the Corpse was so goddamn pivotal to solving this whole predicament, then why didn’t it get more attention? Why didn’t we play up the fact that the Corpse had feelings too? Instead, she springs this super major plot point on us at the last second, and then the show’s over! I can’t even sympathize with the Corpse because I didn’t know I was supposed to!

– Just seconds ago, Minashi wanted to annihilate the entire world and wipe humanity out (in a sense), but hey, we’ll just shake hands and let bygones be bygones! Yeah, that’s just how it is, you guys. The Corpse started to melt… I guess? So everyone shot Minashi out of the Corpse, and Akashi promised that he’ll try to reach to Minashi over and over even though they’ll no longer become one. Magically, Minashi is convinced this time as opposed to all the other times they’ve discussed the same goddamn subject. As for the Corpse, I think it reverts back to being a stone or something, and appears magically in Tsugumi’s arms. Everything’s magic.

– M-m-montage time! So to revert the effects of all the Necrometallizing stuff, you simply need to restore your memories! Or something like that. I don’t even know. I’m tired of this anime.

– Iwato beats Raika in a game of basketball. Gosh, not letting your girlfriend win. That’s a bold move. Let’s see how that works out for him.

– Even Heito gets to survive. And he now has his “Rosebud.” Great. Aoshi is still dead, though. He doesn’t deserve to live, ’cause… uh…

– Then we see a recovering Minashi with Tsugumi by his side. Man, when I first saw Tsugumi, I thought she was a ghost or some shit, y’know? Then when we met her again in the Lightless Realm, I still thought she was a ghost, because c’mon, how the hell did she survive in there all these years? What did she eat? What did she do to bathe herself? What happened when she went through puberty? Did she just fucking freebleed in there? Maybe it just turned into metal, so you could just scrape it off. It sounds like I’m nitpicking, but seriously, if she’s actually a real, living girl… then how the fuck did she manage to survive for so long without basic human necessities?!

– And yeah, Emiru is slowly recovering too. Everyone else gets to be alive and awake. Even Heito is rolling around in his bed, snuggling his teddy bear like a dork. Emiru, however, stays unconscious. Other than a small smile, we can only infer that she’s communicating to Mahmu through Mahmu’s reactions. I’ll never get why Mahmu got to be the action girl while someone like Emiru barely got any lines to finish this show off. Okada really hates Emiru for some reason.

– Sasame is even worse off. She’s still stuck in some sort of tube.

– Aaaaand that’s it. The M3 nightmare is finally over. This was not a good anime, you guys. It was painfully drawn out, painfully overwrought, and painfully nonsensical. Will I watch the WIXOSS sequel? Heeeeeeelllllll no. I need a break from Okada and her dramatics.

Here’s one last look at the shows I watched in the summer.

Week 12’s Poll Results

What is the best anime of summer ’14?

– According to my readers, Gekkan Shoujo Nozaki-kun is the best anime of summer ’14.

– In number two is Terror in Resonance. In fact, it loses to Gekkan Shoujo Nozaki-kun by just a single vote. Don’t worry, buddy. You got my vote for the best anime of the season. It’s a shame a lot of people just really, really disliked your ending.

– In super-mega-distant third, as in it got only half the votes that the previous two shows got, Tokyo Ghoul claims the bronze medal. It had some decent episodes, but the last arc was pretty shit, I gotta admit.

– Space☆Dandy 2 takes fourth, Barakamon slides in at fifth, and Free! Eternal Summer grabs the sixth spot. I didn’t watch the latter two shows because slice-of-life bores the crap out of me.

– Other notable results? Aldnoah.Zero claims seventh. Rail Wars! gets the distinction of garnering no votes whatsoever. Mahouka beats Sword Art Online II, proving once again that Tatsuya is the superior Gary Stu. Hell, more people voted for Nobunaga Concerto than SAO.

– But that’s it for the summer season’s polls. I’ll probably do this again for the fall.

Final Summer Rankings & Grades

I don’t grade on a curve. To me, a C grade tells me that a show is equally good and bad. Most of the shows here are more bad than good, so as a result, most of the shows here get a grade lower than a C. Nothing gets an A, because nothing was perfect.

16. Mahouka Koukou no Rettousei

One of the worst anime I’ve seen in a long, long time. For the life of me, I cannot even think of a single redeemable quality that belongs to this show. It even sucks at being bad. Sword Art Online II is so dumb that it’s funny. Mahouka is so dumb that… well, it’s still just piss boring. That’s how bad it is. It’s so bad, it can’t even do bad right. Final grade: F-

15. Seirei Tsukai no Blade Dance

That’s right, I’d rather watch this shit over Mahouka any day of the week. It still sucks though. Final grade: F

14. Akame ga Kill!

The series isn’t over, but we can still grade the first cour, can’t we? The shounen action isn’t good, the gore is pretty tame for a show that touts gore, and like a lot of anime these days, Akame ga Kill! has a creepy fixation with rape. And to top it all off, the last few weeks have tried their best to rival Mahouka in complete and utter boredom. It almost succeeded! Current grade: F

13. Glasslip

Nonsensical. Slower than molasses. Characters that are dumber than bricks. But at least the animation was solid! Final grade: F+

12. M3 ~Sono Kuroki Hagane~

It really would get a D+ instead of an F+ if it had been only half as long as it ended up being. Judicious editing is important, kids! Final grade: F+

11. Sword Art Online II

I’m still laughing at that fucking hands on the cellphone scene. Current grade: F+

10. Tokyo ESP

Wow, that final episode really blew my mind. To its credit, Tokyo ESP was mostly mediocre for about 80% of its episodes. But then that episode rolled around and took a big, steaming dump on everything. Final grade: D-

9. Captain Earth

Final grade: D-

8. Rail Wars!

Final grade: D

7. Ao Haru Ride

Final grade: D

6. Shirogane no Ishi: Argevollen

We didn’t even get an episode last week, and it’s still better than most of the shows you see here! Argevollen isn’t offensive. It’s just kind of dull. Current grade: C-

5. Re:_Hamatora

Solid attempt from Lerche to try and bring this back from the disaster that was the first season. Still, that ending was such a letdown. Final grade: C-

4. Aldnoah.Zero

Final grade: C-

3. Tokyo Ghoul

Final grade: C+

2. Gekkan Shoujo Nozaki-kun

Final Grade: C+/B-

1. Terror in Resonance

I’ve written 2,000-word entries on this show every week. What more can I say? Best anime of the season for me. It might even be the best anime of the year, too. I haven’t quite decided. Final grade: B+

And with that, I have three ’14 seasons under my belt. Just one more to go. What’s up first for the fall season? Lemme take a look at the schedule… It looks like my next post will be on Gundam: G no Reconguista.

Fabulous main character aside, I just want to know what’s going on.

Bellri: “Why is someone like you resorting to space piracy?
Aida: “We ought to be coating the Earth in solar panels, but the Capital prohibits it. That’s dictatorial.”
Bellri: “Because Earth–…”

The anime then cuts to a bunch of mechas going pew-pew, so when we return to the main characters, all we hear from Bellri is the end of his statement: “…–is why!” Is why what? Is why what, man? He must have said something offensive, because the girl immediately slaps him across the face. I guess we have ourselves yet another tsundere heroine. Naturally, Bellri has fallen in love with Aida at first sight (of her hair). Things go from bad to worse for our hero, however, when he kills Aida’s precious Captain Cahill, thinking that he was merely protecting her. But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Let’s get back to basics. My number one takeaway from the first two episodes is that I simply don’t know what’s going on.

So far, Gundam: Reconguista in G is a bit of a bewildering trip back to the 80’s. How 80’s is it? Well, the sound effects are shitty like they would be in an 80’s anime, so how’s that for ya? And of course, there are classic Tomino-isms in the dialogue (“The world is not square!”) that will probably be a hit-or-miss with viewers. These bits of nostalgia neither delight nor annoy me. They’re just quirks of the anime. I acknowledge their existence, but they don’t really matter all too much to me in the long run. I say the same for all the various nods to Turn A as well. My point is that I’m not watching this show as a Gundam fan. I’m just watching this show the same way I’d watch any other anime. Luckily, it doesn’t appear as though you need to have watched any previous Gundam series to enjoy Reconguista in G. Having said that, I’m not sure I really “get” what’s going on with the plot in the first two episodes. But y’know, maybe I should just take the current developments at face value. Maybe there just isn’t really anything going on yet.

When space pirates attack the Capital Tower, a space elevator of some sort, Bellri immediately jumps into action even though he’s just a cadet. Thanks to his efforts, the Capital Guard is able to capture the mysterious mecha known only as the G-Self. And oh yeah, they capture the G-Self’s pink-haired pilot Aida as well. Try as they might, however, no one in either the Capital Army nor the Capital Guard can seem to access or control the G-Self… except for our chosen hero, of course. This thus shocks Aida, who previously thought she was the only one who could pilot the mecha, but it doesn’t shock any of us in the audience. What’s that? The chosen hero has arrived, and only he can pilot mecha Jesus and bring peace to the galaxy? No way! But that about does it for the first episode. There are a lot of peculiar bits of dialogue like “It’s because of feelings like yours that people kill each other.” This early on in the series, when we hardly know Bellri, this line just feels a bit out of place, I guess.

In the second episode, some big, fancy celebration is taking place, and all the VIPs are there. This includes the villainous-looking “His Holiness” (if his name was ever mentioned at some point, I didn’t catch it), some sort of religious leader in this universe. All of a sudden, space pirates attack in an attempt to recover both Aida and the G-Self. Captain Cahill refers to Aida as his hime-sama, so she must be really important to him and/or their cause. But like I’ve said, Bellri ends up killing Cahill and with the G-Self, no less. Cahill was pummeling the G-Self, because he didn’t want the mecha to fall into the Capital’s hands. Why? We don’t know yet. All we can do is assume that the Capital are corrupt bad guys, and the space pirates are really just do-good rebels. In the aftermath, a furious and saddened Aida beats on Bellri’s chest, begging him to do the impossible. A chosen hero he might be, but he can’t raise the dead. With that, the second episode comes to a close.

There’s not much to say about any of the characters just yet, because I don’t feel as though any of them have been properly introduced. The story hasn’t had the time to allow these characters to extend beyond their initial archetypes, so I think it’d be premature to say whether or not I like how they’ve been portrayed. If I must make a comment this early on, I’ll say this: I don’t really like Raraiya too much. If you’ve seen the first two episodes too, you’ll probably notice her conspicuous absence from the brief plot summary above. Truth is, I just don’t know where to fit her in. She’s a dark-skinned amnesiac who can’t put together complete sentences. But on the other hand, she reacts very strongly to the G-Self; I think she even calls it papa at one point. Like all of the other members in the cast, we hardly know anything about Raraiya, so I can’t comment on her character. I will say, however, that her mannerisms are annoying. I pretty much cringe whenever she’s onscreen. I guess I just don’t like anyone who acts so childishly.

But like I’ve said at the very start of this post, I don’t really know what’s going on. I appreciate the story jumping head first into action, because hey, who likes to start off a new adventure with nothing but boring, pointless dialogue? Having said that, I still expect some exposition to occur once the dust settles. At the moment, I don’t even have the slightest clue what’s going on. What are the space pirates really after? It certainly isn’t just about solar panels, is it? Who are the Amerians? Colonel Cumpa Rusita says something about how the events of the first episode must be a coincidence, and that “[t]his isn’t the sort of thing someone could plan out in advance.” But again, there’s no explanation for his words. So that’s how it’s going to be, huh? The characters know stuff, but they won’t tell us what they know. And I can just hear it now: “Oh, they’re just setting the story up. Just sit back and watch.” Blah blah blah, I’ve heard it all before. My point is simple: I’m somewhat entertained, but I’m not hooked.

Had I been a longtime Gundam fan, I’d probably be tickled pink by the new mecha designs. There are also lots of comparison to King Gainer already, and I can’t disagree there. So far, the anime is very colorful, seemingly cheerful (at the moment), and even quite silly at times. I mean, just look at our hero. Bellri is a very fabulous young man in his capri pants. And although I’ll never like mixing in CGI with standard 2-D animation, the rest of the animation looks competent enough. I dare say I even like the character designs (capri pants notwithstanding). But long story short, although I did enjoy somewhat enjoy these first two episodes, I’m not dying for more. It’s just that simple. Yeah, the new Gundam design looks alright, and yeah, Tomino’s whimsical style is amusing. But as far as the story’s concerned, there is no story yet. I can’t even say if the premise is interesting or not, ’cause I don’t know what the premise even is. There’s the Capital and there are space pirates. These two factions are at odds. If there’s anything else to add, I’m at a loss. Most of all, the events lack flow. Hopefully, the story will settle down and take some shape in later episodes.

Funny ED, though.

Well, I was hoping for a more interesting anime to write about, but it hasn’t gotten subbed yet. So for now, another episode of Terra Formars will have to do. It’s not a show I’m terribly excited about, to be honest. For instance, I think I’d have more fun laughing at the twintails anime than this one, but the former doesn’t come out for another week. Oh well…

– Thanks for the quick health lesson at the start of the episode. There’s no new information here other than that the virus is called the Alien Engine Virus. Silly name.

– For all the talk about viruses, terraforming, and space travel, it’s kind of odd to see the anime refer to the year as “Christian Era 2620.” I guess the BCE/CE thing has gone by the wayside in this alternate universe.

– What’s our first bit of character development? Sheila is in love with Shokichi. Uh-huh, sure, the exotic foreigner has a crush on a man twice her age. I’m not saying it’s impossible. I’m just saying it feels a bit like wish fulfillment. I guess I’m just too cynical to comprehend love in the anime universe.

– Who the hell stumbles upon a half-dressed anyone then proceeds to gawk at said person for long, uncomfortable seconds? The lady has some mega-sage advice for Sheila, though: “Women are meant to love at any time.” I don’t even know what that means. But as she walks away, Eva goes, “I wonder if she’s considered positive boobs.” Who write this dialogue?

– With twenty days left until they reach Mars, people are already starting to pick fights with each other. For such an important mission, there are hardly any attempts to lead or establish camaraderie between the team members. Ah well. I never thought Terra Formars would be a very intelligent show, but I was hoping for at least average intelligence.

– I guess we’re content to burn time, ’cause now the anime cuts to a bar in Japan. A guy and the bartender talk about how they’re going to talk about Annex 1, but then we cut back to said expedition without that talk ever taking place. Okay then. That was a great scene. Totally eye-opening. I learned a lot.

– It also doesn’t seem like these guys have anything to do but to mill about and play catch with a baseball. You’d think that by the year 2620 they’d have some killer virtual reality simulations or something.

– But hey, with six minutes left in the episode, we’ve finally reached Mars! They sure are focusing heavily on Sheila’s crush, though. What, is she going to die soon or something? Haha, Terra Formars wouldn’t be that predictable, right?

– Eva is scared, you guys. There’s a stark lack of, well, either of the two main characters. Shokichi has made two announcements thus far. Other than that, he’s been a ghost. As for Akari… where the hell is Akari? Sure, a story should develop its side characters. But it’s only the second episode and the main character is taking the backseat already? Michelle hasn’t said a damn thing either. I just think that now’s the golden time to convince the audience to care about these three characters. After all, it’s painfully obvious that we’re going to be stuck with them for the long haul. On the other hand, I don’t care about Sheila when the death flag is so obviously hanging over her head.

Furthermore, her story sucks. She has a crush on Shokichi, but she’s too scared to tell him her feelings. Really? That’s it? What is this? A slice-of-life anime about high school students? No, they’re goddamn adults on a trip to fight potentially racist caricatures of black people. As such, why the fuck are you feeding me this bullshit schoolgirl crush nonsense? Honestly, a bunch of men and women stuck on a ship for 39 days…? They’d just start fucking like rabbits. So it makes this schoolgirl shit even more lame.

– Oh no, some security cameras have gone out! Don’t tell me the terraformars are somehow aboard the ship. You’d think the ship would have various ways to detect additional lifeforms in 2620… Oh yeah, the terraformars have disabled the surveillance system too. That’s… that’s something, alright. The terraformars are apparently this intelligent, but due to… plot contrivances, any attempt to communicate with them is just impossible. Okay.

– A pair of guys (I still haven’t learned all of their names) are curious why someone is still showering at this point in time. One of them comments, “It’s not exactly a shampoo… but the scent of a woman.” Again, what does that even mean? Apparently, it means to creepily violate someone’s privacy: “And is it wrong as an organism to be drawn by such a scent?” Cool!

– It turns out that scent of a woman is really just a terraformar killing the hell out of some poor Chinese girl. We don’t even know her name. She’s just some Chinese girl. Anyway, the terraformar had apparently snuck into the showers just to club the girl to death. Where did it even find such a huge club on a spaceship? We not so subtly cut back to the bar in Japan, where the bartender “clubs” a cockroach to death after saying how these bugs just seem to be able to get into everything.

– Elsewhere on the ship, everyone’s just getting slaughtered left and right. Y’see, even though they’ve all undergone the special surgery to give them powers, they still need some medicine to activate their powers. So they’re just sitting ducks. But scenes like this one are all you can expect to see.

– Here’s how the episode comes to an end: the two wannabe peeping-toms finally reach the storehouse where all the medicine is stored, but when they open the door, they see that the terraformars are already smashing everything up. One of the terraformars even picks up a vial of medicine, then snaps it in half in front of everyone as if to taunt our “heroes.” It’s so goddamn corny. Was I supposed to roll my eyes at that? ‘Cause I rolled my eyes at that. I don’t know, man, the show is just so hard to enjoy. It’s just… kind of a stupid.

– I gotta say, there wasn’t much to talk about this week. For 75% of the episode, everyone just dicked around on the ship, talking about nonsense. Oh great, Sheila has a crush… who even cares? Then terraformars start wrecking shit up. For such a bloody, violent anime, it’s actually kind of dull.

– C’mon, someone sub the Garo show already. I want to see if it’s any good.

Busy, busy day, so let’s just get Kirito’s delusions of grandeur out of the way. As you’ll recall, the author put yet another SAO heroine in danger of rape just so Kirito can burst in and act all badass. Sadly, we’re in the real world, so we won’t see our pathetic boyhero chop Sinon’s would-be rapist into a million little pieces like he did with Oberon the Fairy King. Instead, brace yourselves for Sinon burying her face into Kirito’s manly, manly chest, but nevertheless coming to the sad realization that she’s just a side-story haremette. With that knowledge, she can do no more but fade into the background as we prepare ourselves for a new arc. Hey, it happened to Asuna, and she’s the waifu!

– I know crazy people, you guys. And what they do is climb on top of someone and just repeat said someone’s name over and over until the hero can make his triumphant entrance!

– Why is he telling her to run? Where are the cops? Where’s Asuna? Did she drop by the hospital just to be by his side, but when Kirito decided to play hero, she’s like, “Okay, be safe!” Also, what did Kirito tell the nurse? Y’know, the nurse who’s supposed to be in charge of his health? According to her, he was really dehydrated, you guys. Did she just let a guy who’s been lying in bed for hours to just charge off by himself to stop a known murderer?

– Instead of calling the cops, Kirito tried to be a hero. Instead of kneeing the bad guy in the face then grabbing Sinon and run, Kirito tried to hold the bad guy back. So you’re damn right he got you.

– I’m not even amused by the fact that Sinon ran back to save her harem lead. Again, she would’ve given up in last week’s episode, but the thought of Kirito coming to see her gave her strength. So whatever, her character hasn’t undergone any breakthrough in my mind. She doesn’t act for herself.

– Sinon looks at Kirito’s wound; she even pulls up his shirt. Hm. Hm. Yes. Quite. Just one question: WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED THE POLICE? I’m not quite sure what I’m looking at, though. He got a condom stuck on his left nipple? By the way, psst, call the cops.

– Oh, Sinon wipes the liquid away, then puts her hand on the Gary Stu’s tiny, tiny chest. The cooooops. The cooooooppppssssss.

– Y’know, she hasn’t killed Kyoji. I’m not saying she should, but she hasn’t. So at any point in time, the guy could come to his senses and see his defenseless crush sitting before him. But hey, let’s caress the Gary Stu’s chest like we’ve got all the fucking time in the world, baby.^{The cops.}

– Sinon: “Hey, what is this thing that’s stuck to you?” Hm, hm, good question.^{The cops.}But thanks to that awesome question, Kirito bolts upright as if he’s perfectly A-OK.^{The cops.}Apparently, he still had an electrode from a heart monitor stuck to him!^{The cops.}So he didn’t get injected at all! Kyoji missed entirely.^{The cops.}Oh, the coincidences!

– Sinon starts shaking Kirito, because he had made her worry.^{The cops.}Haha, that scamp!

– Kirito: “Is he okay?” Another great question!^{The cops.}Let’s reach over and feel his pulse.^{The cops.}It’s the least we can do for a murderer and wannabe rapist. Then, let’s turn around and thank the Gary Stu for coming.^{The cops.}We wouldn’t want to be rude, now would we?

– Sinon starts sobbing, so Kirito slides over to put his hand on her shoulder. There, there… it’s okay. And with that, the scene comes to an end. I can only assume that they eventually called ^{the cops} but that doesn’t change the fact that this scene was incredibly dumb as hell. It’s amazing how these two idiots are the winners of some massive PVP tournament, because they have no common sense or survival instinct whatsoever.

– The next day, we see Sinon sitting alone as her bullies from school round the corner. Y’see, they had called her out, and she stupidly complied. But it’s different this time! She’s totally not scared of guns (read: penises) anymore! It’s quite simple, really. What? You think a girl joining a game full of guys and guns just so she can shoot down said guys isn’t symbolic of anything? You think the Gary Stu acquiring an androgynous avatar to get closer to the girl doesn’t mean anything either?

“B-but the author is too dumb to intend that!”

He doesn’t have to intend anything.

“What about Kyoji?! She was friends with him before he went all rapey on her!”

I’m not saying she was literally scared of men. I’m not saying she shakes like a leaf whenever she meets one. Obviously, this isn’t the case. I’m just saying she’s got unresolved issues towards the opposite sex ever since her traumatic incident at the post office. The gun is just a stand-in for something deeper: she has no fucking agency. If she had been a boy, everyone would call her a hero. But because she’s a girl, it’s all weird and shit that she fired a gun. This wasn’t a throwaway line in the previous episode: “I’m sure you’re the only girl in Japan who’s killed a real bad guy with a real gun.” Sinon’s supposed to be different, tainted, corrupted, and all that bullshit just because she’s shot a man with a gun. Her own mom was scared of her. She’s been robbed of her moment of heroism all because she’s a girl. So in the real world, she doubles down on being the helpless girl who can’t do anything as if to overcompensate. Then in the virtual world, she literally wields the longest penis (sniper rifle) she can find, which she then uses to penetrate men with her seed (bullets). So who is Sinon really? The shy, weak girl in real life? Or the badass, buttcrack-showin’ sniper in GGO? The answer is somewhere in the middle. The lesson — in theory, anyway — is that Sinon should just learn to accept herself instead of swinging from one extreme to the next. Her exposure therapy doesn’t work until she meets Kirito, because, well, guns were never the real issue to begin with. Why else would she be able to use guns in the virtual world and be shit-scared of a toy gun in the real world? In the virtual world, she gets to be the aggressor with anonymity. In the real world, she can’t stand up for herself, because everyone knows who she is.

So Sinon meets Kirito, who’s not like any of the other guys in GGO. He looks like a girl, he only uses a handgun (and even then, he barely uses it anyway), and he spends a lot of his time getting all emotional about his stupid feelings (we sat in a cave for an entire episode just to talk about his dumb feelings). And yeah, Kirito still uses a sword, which is a phallic symbol in its own right, but therein lies the rub. Using a sword allows Kirito to look fabulous. Guns are cold and utilitarian. You aim and you shoot. Done. With a sword, Kirito expresses himself. He twirls like a fucking ballerina. None of his movements are necessary whatsoever, but he gets to put his feelings on display. Anyway, despite all of Kirito’s flaws, he accepts who he is in order to save the day. So blah blah blah, watching the Gary Stu in action gives Sinon the courage to finally accept who she is as well, even if that means she’s a girl who had once pulled a trigger and murdered a man. But this isn’t an empowering story by any fucking means. In the end, she just allows herself to be saved over and over. Salvation is just tacit acceptance of your gender role: sure, sure, accept who you are, but afterwards, let the Gary Stu take care of you. And yes, she does technically save Kirito’s life in return. But again, she only acts for the Gary Stu, because of the Gary Stu, so on and so forth. When Kyoji was all over her and she could have honestly kicked him hard in the crotch, she didn’t do a damn fucking thing until Kirito showed up. Sure, she gains the courage to act, because her friend is in danger, but considering her trauma, her triumphant moment should have come on her own without Kirito’s help. Sinon should have been able to defend herself the same way she had defended herself at the post office: kick Kyoji in the dick, then stab him with the syringe. Instead, her heroism just gets robbed again.

And that’s the story. Buy my analysis or not, I don’t care. I already anticipate many of you guys to balk at what I’ve written above. Overthinking it, taking it too seriously, the writer couldn’t have intended this, blah blah blah. I’ve heard it all before.

– So is that an airsoft gun in the bully’s hands? I don’t know, I don’t know guns. I don’t care about guns. But again, that’s the point of this dumb scene. The bully merely steals her brother’s gun, but she doesn’t know a damn thing about it. Sinon knows what the gun is (1911 whatever), she even thinks the bully’s brother has good tastes, and she knows how to use the gun properly. Before, this would’ve troubled her, i.e. “Why can’t I just be a normal girl like everyone else?” Now, she accepts it, which allows her to stand up for herself. The only problem is that she should’ve had the same courage with Kyoji.

– Afterwards, she comes to the school gates just to find Kirito being all badass and shit. Seriously, he’s just standing there, leaning against his motorcycle. He’s even got his back turned to the school. Heh, I bet you girls want to know what I’m all about, dontcha?

– Unfortunately for our heroes, the third culprit is still on the run. Oh looooord, who wants to bet he shows up later to fuck with Kirito? Actually, this will so obviously happen, it’s not even worthy of a bet. I sure am glad we got this information through a boring, expository voiceover from Kirito, though!

– It’s just a matter of time before the third guy is caught, Kirito tells us! You’d think after all that our heroes have been through, maybe the government would put them under some sort of protection until the third and final culprit has been caught. But nah, that won’t happen.

– I don’t know why Kirito is now explaining to us again how the Death Gun trio went about stalking and killing their victims. Haven’t we been over this?

– More filler as Kirito painstakingly explains to us why Kyoji had gone mad. Great. The arc is basically over, but we’re still padding this shit out. I’m not going to discuss what Kirito’s saying here. It’s just old information. Even the resulting conversation with the government official is just more old information.

– I like how Sinon is also wearing a tie. How very formal.

– Here’s where we explain why the older brother did what he did: he had a weak constitution, and his father didn’t believe in him. How sad. So let’s go murder people! Man, the father must have believed in him even less when he got himself stuck in SAO like an idiot.

– Kirito pontificates on the dark side of VRMMOs: “Reality starts to seem less real.” And in a better anime, this would totally be a salient point. Unfortunately, this is SAO, so it’s painfully unexplored. The idea that reality becomes less real is merely something we hear about at the end of an arc after the bad guy has been caught. It’s discussed in a rather clinical way.

– Haha, sure, Kirito left things in the virtual world, and as such, there’s less of him here. Whatever, man. As for Sinon, she accepts that her reality is wherever she is, but we’ve been over that so…

– More talk about people’s realities. Kyoji apparently abandoned the real world to make GGO his reality. He then proceeded to kill people in the real world. He also tried to rape Sinon. He’s got an odd way of abandoning the real world. But despite this, Sinon even requests to see Kyoji in person. I’m barely keeping myself awake…

– Through a letter, Red-eyed Zaza taunts Kirito one last time. Time for a new arc?!

– But first, Kirito must properly introduce Sinon to the rest of his haremettes. Y’see, she’s got to have a place to stay safe while he runs off to yet another virtual world to gallivant about with yet another hot anime babe. So Sinon, meet Asuna. Asuna, Sinon. Just look how pleased Asuna and Lisbeth are!

– Dude even introduces his girlfriend as “the berserk healer.” You two had virtual sex, but just because a new girl is here, you neg her? That’s low, man. That’s low even for you. Plus, since when did she become a healer? I thought she was a capable swordswoman.

– It turns out Kirito blabbed all about Sinon’s trauma to his friends without asking for permission. That’s… that’s pretty fucked up. Then Asuna and Lisbeth went to Sinon’s old hometown to drag someone from the past back into the present. What the hell? You guys are a bunch of nosy assholes. Yeah, yeah, they have good intentions, but man, you don’t force your good intentions on people like this. But all of a sudden, a mother and her daughter enters the room. The two of them then thank Sinon for saving their lives back at the post office that day. But what did Kirito and company do? Just ask around the post office about that day? Yo, remember when a girl saved you guys from a gunman? Anyone want to come all the way out to some bar to give her thanks? Anyone? C’moooooon, she’s all traumatized and shit! Who wants to be nice and give her thanks! What a dumbass way for this arc to come to an end.

– Bunch of tearjerking stuff follows, but I don’t care. Let’s go watch something else.

Seriously?

– The OP sucks.

– Well, it’s the start of a sequel, so as always, the story will take its pretty, little time to recap a bit of the first season. We’ll also reintroduce the main characters. Y’know, for all the people who have decided to start watching now… or people who just don’t have very good memories (c’mon, the first season just finished airing earlier this year). This is all old information for me, however, so I’m just going to doze off until something new happens…

– As for Shiroe, he’s in deep negotiations with a clan that controls the flow of money in this world (they do other things too). The Kunie Clan can’t help him, however, thanks to some ancient treaty. What’s the Kunie Clan and why are they here? Exposition time! A lot of exposition, actually.

– The gist is that the Round Table is quickly running out of money, but at the same time, they’re worried about Plant Hwyaden. It’s still recap. I’m giving the show a bit of a leeway since it’s the first episode, and I’m sure the anime wants its viewers to get their bearings, but again, old information doesn’t interest me. Hell, the episode is almost half over and all we’ve done is recap, reintroduce the show’s characters, and feed us exposition.

– I wouldn’t eat a catman’s special feast. I bet there’s cat hair in everything.

– When people complain that the special feast is all pumpkins, Nyanta informs us that pumpkins are full of nutrients. Do you really need nutrients in this world?

– But I think this scene is an example of how Log Horizon often drops the ball. What makes the show different from its ilk is the attempt to discuss politics, alliances, how to govern an MMO city come to life, etc. Sure, it’s the writer’s schtick, but at the same time, you won’t find this in many other shows. And of course, this stuff might not be everyone’s cup of tea, but it’s still the one thing that sets the anime apart from other shows. So why not play to your strengths? The problem, therefore, is that we often cut away from Shiroe to see these fluff scenes where his friends are enjoying themselves. These scenes aren’t funny or amusing. They’re just boring, and thus, they feel pointless. Instead of a tight narrative that forces me to pay attention or lose track of Shiroe’s careful maneuvering (in theory), the pacing gets bogged down by the need to have these light-hearted scenes that feel all too slice-of-lifey for my tastes.

– Aaaaand now I’m watching Akatsuki and Minori compete for Shiroe’s attention. Ah, I had almost forgotten about that. Again, this mini love triangle is not what makes Log Horizon unique. If anything, it only serves to make the story feel more generic and bland. Back to the political machinations, please.

– Finally, Shiroe makes the big announcement that he must leave Akihabara… buuuuuut because someone might be spying on them, he won’t tell his guild why just yet. He won’t even tell them where he’s going. Welp. Everyone seems rather cheerful and upbeat except for Akatsuki. Shoulda rolled a guardian instead of a sexy ninja, huh?

– Regan looks old to you?

– Again, Shiroe asks the Kunie Clan for help, but some ancient treaty bars the latter from assisting the former. So Shiroe reveals that he knows all about the world’s source of money, where it’s located, etc. If the Kunie Clan won’t help, then he’ll just go straight to the source. My first thought was, “Wouldn’t this just cause massive inflation?” But the money’s just going to back to the game anyway to pay for upkeep and such, so it’s a money sink anyway you look at it.

– Kinjou counters, however, that this is just stealing. Shiroe agrees, and as such, he hopes that by putting it all on the table, the Kunie Clan will want to avoid a confrontation. Naotsugu later speculates that Shiroe’s strategy is a mistake. Kinjou is all about secrets whereas Shiroe wants to reveal everything to get people to trust him.

– Anyway, Kinjou stands behind the ancient treaty excuse. Lots of questions are raised, but none are really answered. What’s this ancient treaty? What does Shiroe intend to do with the money aside from some vague notion of changing the world? All we know is that the Kunie Clan doesn’t lend money… ever. I guess their job is to make it disappear. Again, money sink.

– ‘Cause these aren’t really banks, which might be confusing to people who don’t play MMOs. When the average person hears the word ‘bank,’ they think of a profit-making institution. Yeah, real-world banks store your money, but they do so many other things. So many illegal things, too. In MMOs, however, you simply visit “banks” to safely store your money. And unlike a real bank, MMO banks don’t really do anything more than that. They store your money, then they give it back when you ask for it. Nothing more, nothing less… on the surface, anyway. The idea here is that the Kunie Clan do other things, too. They just don’t do typical real-world bank stuff. Rather, they do stuff with the money that don’t involve the adventurers whatsoever. But we don’t quite get the full details just yet, ’cause we soon see that…

– …Shiroe failed. Kinjou had challenged him to meet the Kunie Clan at the place where money appears and disappears. Unfortunately, you need a raid to get there. Shiroe couldn’t depend on the Round Table, so he had to get help from elsewhere. All we learn from the ending, however, is that he couldn’t trust said help enough, so as a result, he failed. There are some scenes of Shiroe in the real world, which was sort of a nice touch, especially considering how dying means he’ll lose some of these memories. I’m curious to see if the story will take a darker turn. So far, Log Horizon has dealt with some serious topics, but at the same time, there hasn’t been a whole lot of serious consequences. As the stakes get higher, will Shiroe continue to put himself in danger? And will his need to accomplish his goals in Elder Tale come at the risk of losing his memories of the real world? Then again, you have to wonder if they even want to get back to the real world anymore. It doesn’t seem as though there’s any urgency on that front.

– We see Shiroe run into Akatsuki in that place you go after you’ve been killed. I guess she also failed that mission he had assigned her right before he left Akihabara. Of course, I want to know what had happened to these two, but judging by the previews for the next episode, that’s not what we’re going to get…

– Truth be told, the first episode was a bit all over the place until it finally settled into the main storyline in the second half. There was just too much recap for my liking in the first half of the episode. The economic disaster storyline has potential, though. I’m kind of interested to see where they go with it. Really, Log Horizon‘s strength lies here. I know Akatsuki has lots of fans, but her little bout of depression as well as her competition with Minori… eh, I couldn’t care less. I know she feels she doesn’t understand Shiroe as well as she wish she–… sigh, I really don’t care about her character, so I’ll just stop there. Sadly, I don’t expect the show to drop the show’s primary heroine any time soon.

I don’t even remember what Fate/stay night was about anymore. I watched the Studio Deen production way back when (to be fair, 2006 isn’t that long ago) based on a friend’s recommendation. This was a few years before Moe Sucks came into being, so my mindset towards anime at the time was simply “Did I like this?” If the answer was no, I quickly tuned the show and its story out until I would just plum forget to watch more episodes. So I don’t remember a lick about the original story anymore. I know there’s a knight-looking lady. And uh, I think she falls ill at one point and maybe the main character had to “enter her” in order to save her? That’s pretty much it. Hell, I probably got that part wrong too. Point is, I’m watching Fate/stay night – Unlimited Blade Works as if I’m completely new to the series.

That’s not completely true, of course. I did watch… well, try to watch an episode of Fate/Zero, but when I complained about characters walking in a circles around another guy as they fed us exposition, fans of the story vehemently defended this sort of storytelling. The resulting “debate” turned me off from checking out the rest of the series. Oh well, that was then and this is now. I’m just going to try to take in Fate/stay night – UBW as it is without worrying about rewatching the original series, without worrying about what fans think, etc. Alright, UBW… what have you got for me? Hell, if it impresses me, I might even go back and rewatch the original series!¹

– So what do I know about Unlimited Blade Works? Nothing, really. I just know that this will follow Rin’s route. I even heard they’re going to do yet another series to cover the third route. Do we really need to tell this story three times? I realize the story changes with every route, but to a large enough degree that we will do three different adaptations? That seems silly to me, but I suppose they can get away with it because of the source material’s popularity.

– The animation and the character designs don’t look too impressive for a late 2014 anime series, but maybe the show’s just staying true to the original Fate/stay night aesthetics. As such, longtime fans probably won’t mind, but I still won’t like it. You have a solitary red pendant sitting in a room of varying shades of dark blue. That’s probably eye-popping for a visual novel, but it looks out of place in an anime. As for Rin herself, she looks rather simple-looking, as if she belongs in an older anime. Like this profile shot of the girl; I think it looks ugly.

– Why is the prologue deliberately avoiding Shiro’s face?

– We meet a lot of new characters. Lots of new characters. And half of them seem to dislike Rin in some form or another. See, this is the benefit of not remembering a damn thing about the original anime series. I get to relearn why they dislike Rin! But she seems like she embodies the tsundere archetype, which would make her character come off prissy and elitist to others. Still, her words to the student council president seem innocent enough, but the guy bites back as if she had insulted his mother or something.

– Kind of awkward how the girl’s just sitting on the school’s rooftop, talking to herself. But usually, when you talk to yourself, you usually say personal, emotionally-charged thoughts out loud. And usually, those thoughts are a bit disjointed or staccato. A bit like stream-of-consciousness, if you will. Here, however, Rin’s just, well, feeding us exposition. Exposition with fully-formed sentences, and they end up sounding unnatural to listen to. In general, there’s just a lot of unnecessary information being bandied about. Again, longtime fans will probably complain if these lines are cut short, but to someone like me, brevity and succinctness should win out. This is an anime, so we should thus let the visuals carry a larger burden of the narrative.

– Like a lot of recent stories, Fate/stay night is all about some tournament, and the winner of said tournament will have their wishes granted by the, uh, Holy Grail. Rin wants to be able to summon Saber, the strongest Servant. It seems silly to me that the tournament would have Servants of varying degrees of power. That hardly seems fair. But in any case, Saber won’t be her Servant. I don’t remember much about the original series, but I remember that much. Plus, she’s wears a lot of red and shit, so she’s gonna get the red-looking dude.

– Rin was reminded repeatedly that she’s an hour early all day, and yet she still forgot to do her summoning at the right time? That’s careless, girl… So instead of Saber, she gets some badass bishie with chiseled abs. B-but it’s not the strongest Pokemon!

– So what are Servants exactly? I mean, where do they come from? Why do they exist? Why can’t we just cut out the middleman and have the mages directly battle each other for the Holy Grail? Hopefully, the anime will explain this to me so I don’t have to go look it up on Wikipedia.

– I guess the tsundere heroine got the right Servant to match her personality: “In the war to come, I will disregard anything you say. I will decide all battle policy.”

– Lots of exposition. Long story short, Rin and her Servant have now formed a bond, the guy’s name is Archer, and she’s a kick-ass mage. The girl ends up blushing way too much for my liking. It’s not even the first episode yet. This is just the prologue. If you’re going to tsundere this shit up, give us more tsuntsun and less deredere.

– Ooh, he won’t tell her his true identity (he claims he doesn’t know), so it’s going to be a twist… let’s hope it’s not a silly twist.

– Rin: “The battle I’ve been awaiting for ten years is about to begin.” Every little girl dreams of her first life-or-death tournament. Screw wedding day fantasies, this is what it’s all about.

– Why does Archer constantly close one of his eyes? What’s up with that?

– So Rin’s waited ten years for this tournament to begin, but she has nothing to wish for. This is especially damning because she can wish for anything if she wins. She can even wish for world domination. She’s just fighting because, according to her, “there’s a battle to be fought.” They make it sound like their lives are on the line, but at the same time, the girl doesn’t really have any convictions. Everyone has dreams. Whether it’s wealth, world domination, true love, or just raising a dead cat, everyone has something. So something’s messed up with Rin doesn’t even have a wish. But for some reason, Archer is content with this. More than content, in fact; he thinks she’s the ideal Master for someone like him. What? Does he have no wish either?

– How did Archer clean everything up so perfectly? Magic?

– More exposition as the girl walks to school, but at least the girl’s no longer talking to herself. More exposition as it is now nighttime. We can’t get enough exposition! Yeah, it’s episode zero, and as such, we’re not going to get much action. But there’s gotta be a more compelling way to set the story up. Giving us over thirty-plus minutes of exposition can’t be the only way to go.

– Sigh.

– We finally meet a guy who carries a lance. I remember Lancer killing the main character in the original series, so this must be him. But yay, finally some action.

– The battle choreography honestly isn’t bad. Pretty fluid, actually. It’s pretty funny too that it’s more impressive-looking than a show like Sword Art Online, especially with the words “sword art” in the title. Better than Akame ga Kill! too, and let’s just forget Mahouka ever existed. That wasn’t an action anime with magic. That was a poorly-written textbook pretending to be about magic.

– This Archer doesn’t seem like much of an archer, though… Plus, I didn’t think you would really want to bring such short swords to a fight against a lancer, but this just shows what I know about combat.

– Nooooooo. Noooooo. Why are you pausing the fight to talk each other up?!

– So here’s the part I remember: for some reason, Shiro is still at school, so he stumbles upon this battle between the two Servants. For that, Lancer’s going to kill him. And trust me, Shiro knows a thing or two about dying:

You said it, brother.

– Why is Rin so worked up about Shiro dying? Does she like him already or something? Ah, if only I remembered anything from the original series. She saves him with her pendant, leaves his side, realizes that he’s still in danger from Lancer, so she rushes back to him… all in the matter of a minute or so. Funny how this part of the story happens so quickly, but the first forty-plus minutes took forever to tell.

– Saber finally shows up, and the episode comes to a close. So will the rest of the series be told from Rin’s perspective, or are we shifting back to Shiro? Probably the latter, huh?

– All in all, still too much exposition, but hurr hurr we’re setting up the story. Still, I only managed to get through this episode, because Rin and Archer can carry the narrative a tiny bit better than a pair of guys walking in circles around another guy. I’m down with the action in the episode. It’s just too bad it took like… thirty-seven minutes or something to get there. But hey, we survived episode zero. Maybe it gets better from here on out!²

¹ Not likely.
² That’s what everyone says. You’re going to believe everyone?

More shows to watch? Yeah, more shows to watch. At the moment, I’m going to cover every show that interest me. Eventually, some of these shows will be relegated to my weekly “Everything Else” posts, so don’t worry. You won’t have to read eight gajillion posts from me every weekend.

– So what do I know about this anime before we start? Well, I know some princess gets exiled to some island because she doesn’t have special powers. And there, she will end up piloting a mecha to fight against dragons from another dimension. Yeah, really, extra-dimensional dragons. Who came up with this premise? Oh, right, it’s Sunrise. I guess I’m not so surprised after all. Still, not that I didn’t want to watch this show anyway, but man, where are those Garo subs? Yeah, I’m still waiting.

– We go from a sweet, little memory of a little girl riding a horse to, well, this:

I still have the image of the little girl in my mind, so this boner is all wrong. All wrong! But seriously, c’mon, is this really necessar–… oh right, it’s Sunrise. Still, the T&A here are just too strong for my sensibilities.

– A portal opens, and a bunch of dragons of various sizes come pouring through. A fleet of girls then start attacking said dragons with their mechas. The mechas look pretty whatever to me, but I’m not a connoisseur of mechas to begin with so take that with a grain of salt.

– So, uh… why all girls? Y’know, other than the obvious fanservice reason. But surely, since they’re all girls, we’ll pass the Bechdel test, right? So at least we’ve got that going for us.

– The OP is nothing too speci–…

…oh man, I don’t know if I want to watch this anymore. This was a bad, bad idea.

– Holy fuck:

What am I watching?

No, really…

What am I watching?

– So we’ve established that there will be some guys in this story. Weird, dickless, Ken-doll guys. All of a sudden, the prospects of passing the Bechdel test just took a major hit.

– Right after the OP, we see a bunch of girls compete in what looks like space-age lacrosse. Or polo. It’s some combination of the two, but with hover crafts! But yeah, we’ve turned back to clock to see Ange before her life has been turned upside down.

– That’s a pretty lazy-looking crowd for such a new anime. They’re just… dots.

– Our princess didn’t win the match because she had to help a teammate in need. Everyone still praises the ground she walks on, though… except for her brother. I guess he’ll soon become the primary antagonist of the show. Was that him in the OP? Y’know, the part where the girl runs away only to have the burlap sack she was wearing burst into pieces? T-there’s not going to be creepy incest in this, right? Oh wait, it’s anime…

– As the royal siblings leave the place, we see Ange’s face pretty much plastered everywhere. It’s apparently her birthday, so this will make her fall from grace hit even harder. Apparently, she’s at the right age for some Baptism Ritual, and that’s when we’ll find out she has no magical powers. How much you want to bet, however, that she really does have powers but they’ve just been sealed in some way or fashion by her evil, evil brother?

– Their trip suddenly hits a snag when they run into a Norma baby. Just a baby. And yeah, that’s the term for people who can’t use Mana. And apparently, Normas get treated like shit. That’s right, I read something about how the world is so prosperous and everything, but at the same time, people exploit the Normas. Funny how that works. So the princess is going to become one of the Normas and learn to fight for the underprivileged people, huh? This is really a story about revolution, right? We just have to battle dragons in skimpy clothing for a while before we overthrow the ruling class. Makes perfect sense to me.

– But for now, Ange is just a bitch like the rest of them: “The Light of Mana, the ultimate evolution of humanity… The Norma reject it. They are instinctively violent, antisocial monsters.” She says that as she walks towards a mother desperately trying to protect her daughter from a bunch of men armed with nightsticks. Hilarious. The irony is lost on her, I guess.

– The Norma baby will be taken away, because, uh, it’s apparently not human. This is despite the fact that the princess just explained to us that Normas are simply humans who don’t accept the Light of Mana. But maybe it’s the true Scotsman argument! Yeah, Normas are not true humans! And uh, the baby somehow rejected the Light of Mana. Even though it’s just a baby. I’m sure it stomped its cute, little feet and said, “FUCK THE LIGHT OF MANA.” I can see that. Hey man, don’t ask me about the logic behind this show. Just wait until the T&A show up again.

– What’s Ange’s solution to the crying mother’s problem? Just bear another child — a proper child, she adds! Subtlety is a fine art, and we’re like raging bull in a china shop. Childbearing is so easy, man! Why, I do it all the time, and I’m not even a woman!

– This is how Ange’s mother greets her late at night:

Wowza! Oh, Sunrise, Sunrise, Sunrise… Child, I see that you are burdened with anxiety. Gaze upon my perfectly-sculpted breasts. Perhaps they will calm you.

– Ange goes and says she loves this world. Yeah, she loves a world where babies get hauled off: “This world, freed by the Light of Mana from war, inequality…” Freed from inequality? Freed from inequality?!

Ah man, I can’t even finish quoting the rest of the sentence. I’m just laughing my ass off. Why have they written such a fucking stupid character? I know this is supposed to contrast the change that she will undergo when she realizes that she herself is a Norma, but c’mon, this is ridiculous.

– Oh, only women can be born Norma. Fancy that. Our princess then tells her mother that she wants to exterminate the Norma. She literally thinks this will make the world more beautiful. She’s beaming as she says it. Today’s the first day she’s ever seen a Norma in person, and it’s a crying baby reaching out to her mother. And this is the conclusion our super gracious princess comes to? Between all the T&A and the princess advocating genocide, I don’t know what to think anymore. This premise has been thoroughly ridiculous from the very start. Seriously, though, a-are we sure we really want to watch her become a good person? She is just so thoroughly despicable at the moment, why even bother! Let’s just cut our losses! She’s so ugly on the inside, and this is such a beautiful world!

– We cut to Ange’s brother snooping around in the darkness. Yep, he’s going to fuck with the Baptism Ritual, and Ange will be screwed out of her rightful place as the eventual ruler of this kingdom. But honestly, it couldn’t have happened to a better person!

– So the very next day, Ange gets inside this contraption:

I like how it’s a bit of a crucifixion. But alas, the machine suddenly shuts down and sounds the Norma alert. Oh no!

– Ah, I was wrong: it turns out she was always a Norma, and her father was trying to disguise that fact. But the resentful oniichan will have none of it!

– Is it really necessary for the wheelchair-bound imouto to bare her “cleavage” too? According to Sunrise, yes… yes it is.

– So now we have a reversal of fortune: Ange’s mother tries to help her Norma daughter escape from their pursuers. In the end, she gets captured anyway. Not only that, her mother dies trying to protect her.

Welp, karma is a bitch, isn’t it?

– The evil oniichan then walks up to the imouto who has since passed out from all the shock. As he rubs her lips, he says, “We’re about to get busy, Sylvia. We have to rebuild the tainted royal family. Just the two of us…” Hoo boy…

– So that’s where the extradimensional dragons come in! Basically, they force Normas to become soldiers on some island. They thus have to wear practically nothing and fight against said dragons! Cool!

– Even now, the princess just isn’t very endearing:

Yeah, she still thinks she isn’t a Norma. Sunrise has a helluva job on their hands. It’s going to be very difficult to convince me that I should root for our heroine after such a start.

– So the Norma officer slices Ange’s dress right down the middle, then pins the girl down on a table…

Sigh. Yeah, she gets a cavity search for some reason. Up until this point, the anime had been so ridiculous, it was even kind of funny, but this… this is just too much. As unlikeable as Ange’s character had been, I don’t need to see the girl get violated in such a fashion. Just gratuitous. Ugh.

– Welp, that left a bad taste in my mouth. Right off the bat, our heroine probably got anally violated, and her brother intends to do something nasty with their imouto. I don’t even want to know what they did to the baby after dragging it off to god knows where. Honestly, I’m not sure I want to watch another episode.

I like this. After a bombastic fight between a human army and a giant dragon — this epic encounter apparently occurred around two thousand years ago — the story “settles” down as it adopts the perspective of a freewheelin’, swashbuckling rogue by the name of Favaro Leone. So far, our protagonist is hardly much of a hero. A womanizing braggadocio who loves to spin tall tales at the local pub, Favaro is a bounty hunter who lives from paycheck to paycheck: “It’s my policy to spend all of my day’s earnings!” He seems like the selfish sort who would sell his allies up the creek for a bit of coin. He’ll save people from time to time, like how he saved those girls from being kidnapped, but if he doesn’t get paid for it, he’ll do so inadvertently. Think Jack Sparrow but less flamboyant (no one’s going to be as flamboyant as Jack Sparrow). But like a lot of rogues in like-minded tales, Favaro gets more than he bargains for when one of his tall tales catches the attention of a mysterious, pink-haired girl.

Every story needs a mysterious heroine, and this girl here is ours. She appears out of nowhere like those robots from the Terminator movie series, and yes, she’s naked in her entrance to the story. I don’t think we’ve even learned her name yet, but she desperately needs to get to Helheim for one reason or another. So when she heard that Favaro knew a shortcut to this ominous location to the far north, she quickly tries to enlist the rogue for help. Needless to say, Favaro is not a complicated man, so he’s got no clue where Helheim is. Still, what do you expect a person of his sort to do when they come across such a serious-looking young girl in desperate need for help? He automatically assumes that he can take advantage of her naivete, of course. In exchange for help — help that he never intended to give her — Favaro wants a kiss from our mysterious maiden in return. But like I’ve implied above, he’ll come to regret ever getting involved with our mysterious heroine. And in the process, maybe our selfish rogue will learn not to be quite so selfish.

When a bounty shows up to get his revenge on Favaro — just earlier in the episode, our protagonist had captured the bad guy’s brother — the mysterious girl decides to take action. After all, she thinks Favaro can get her to Helheim, so she’s going to protect him for the time being. Favaro quickly realizes, however, that she is, well, a demon and a powerful demon at that. And as he passes out — in the fracas, a barrel lands on his head — he gets the kiss that he had bargained for, but not necessarily the kiss that he wanted. Y’see, he wakes up the next day to find that, well, he’s now got himself a demon tail. Has that magical kiss turned him into one of the mysterious girl’s kind as well? These two are not the primary characters in the story. Every rogue needs his straight man, too. A straight man does his job by setting up the punchline for the rogue to deliver, and that appears to be Kaisar’s job. So far, all we know about Kaisar is that he’s a disgraced former prince who must now become a bounty hunter as well. It’s almost certain that he too will be dragged into the mysterious girl’s quest.

Why do I like this show so far? I mean, isn’t it kind of cliche? Yeah, sure, but there’s something to be said about good, proper execution, and so far, Shingeki no Bahamut: Genesis has this part nailed. This probably won’t be a deep show that meditates on the meaning of life. It probably won’t be an overly complicated show about politics. It probably won’t even paint a very poignant psychological picture of our characters. In all likelihood, our swashbuckling rogue will simply escort the mysterious girl to the far north with Kaisar’s help, and when the three of them get there, they’ll battle dragons for the sake of humanity or something. But if the anime can keep this level of energy, action, and even humor — yes, I laughed once or twice during the first episode — it doesn’t need to be anything more than that. Of course, it’s just the first episode, so anything can still happen. This may very well become that deep show I just talked about… or it could also fall flat on its face. But so far, there’s little for me to complain about.

Shingeki no Bahamut: Genesis is supposedly based on a card game in Japan, but it has the good taste to avoid, well, showing us the existence of any actual cards. So far, this is the closest thing to a card in this anime, and that’s just what bounties turn into when you capture them. Sure, there are still some unnatural card-like idiosyncrasies. For instance, people seem to be able to summon monsters, warriors, and whatnot to do their bidding. But the narrative doesn’t get bogged down by the need to explain the rules of the game. I mean, if you’ve seen other like-minded shows, you know what I’m talking about. Characters would prattle on and on about how to play some dumb game that the show is not-so-subtly trying to push down our throat. Again, this is not what we get here. We just jump right into the action, and there’s a whole lot of action. I don’t expect every episode to have this much action, of course, but this is the kind of opening episode that I want. There’s just enough information to leave me curious for more.

There are plenty of questions to answer in the following episodes. Of course, I want to know what the mysterious girl is after. I want to know what’s so important about Helheim. I want to know how the battle against (presumably) Bahamut in the opening ties in our current story. And if the show drops the ball on these questions, yeah, I’ll call it out. But an opening episode doesn’t need to tell the whole story in one go. It simply needs to lay the foundation for the developments to come. Lately, I feel as though everyone wants to cram as much as they can into the first episode, thinking that this will payoff in the future. But more often than not, that sort of lazy storytelling carries over into the future episodes. People are creatures of habit. If they rely too much on exposition in the first episode, there’s no reason to think they won’t fall back on it as a crutch for future episodes. So far, Shingeki no Bahamut: Genesis has avoided that pitfall. And instead of directly telling us what our main characters are like, their characterizations play out in the action itself. That’s how it should be done.

Best opening episode I’ve seen so far. Again, the show doesn’t seem like it’ll be very deep, but the execution is spot-on. Can MAPPA really keep impressing me though? Now, let’s see if someone can sub Garo already. And no, I’m not going to stop mentioning Garo until it gets subbed.

Another season, another shoujo… Another beautiful heroine, another drop-dead gorgeous bishie, another unlikely romance born out of unsavory circumstances. Why is it unlikely and why are the circumstances unsavory? ‘Cause Erika’s the wolf girl, and Kyouya’s the black prince. More specifically, Erika uses Kyouya’s picture to pretend as though she has a boyfriend. Ah, the dangers of trying to impress your peers. Unfortunately for Erika, however, Kyouya goes to her school, so he quickly finds out about her ruse. He’ll agree to play along so that she can impress her not-so-impressive friends, but on one condition: Erika will have to endure as he torments her over and over and over. Man, aren’t these two characters just absolutely likeable right off the bat? The sad thing is, it’s a shoujo, so they will fall in love with each other. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it. It will happen, and well, I find that sort of sad.

Because honestly, Erika is so young. She has so much to learn, so many people to meet, so many mistakes to make, so on and so forth. So why would you settle for this jackass? Now, now, I realize that this is a shoujo, so we’ll eventually see Kyouya’s good side. But why would you even bother to wait that long? In fact, why would you suffer abuse just for love? Even if it pays off, doesn’t that establish a dangerous precedent? How long are we supposed to stay in a toxic relationship and hold out hope that everything will magically work itself out? My point is, there are plenty of guys out there. There are plenty of hot, smart guys out there who won’t treat you like shit. And you’re just a high schooler. So why would you settle now? Yes, again, I’m sure Kyouya will eventually show us that he’s not that bad, but yo, wouldn’t you rather be with someone who treats you well right from the very start?

The OP is just a microcosm for the rest of the series. For most of it, you predictably see the bishie treat our heroine like shit. But what do you see at the very end of the OP? Well, the poor girl has fallen and scratched up her knee! Awwww! And what does the bishie do? He extends a hand out to help her up, but he totally won’t look at her. He’s so tsundere, y’all. But because he’s extending a hand out to her, m-maybe there’s some good in him after all. Ganbatte, girl! Stick with this relationship! You can totally fix this bad but supermega hot boy! Seriously, that’s so bullshit though. I don’t need to be in love with anyone to help them up, and I’m sure this is the case for most people too. So what’s so special about the bishie doing it for Erika? Nothing. It’s not special. But shoujo anime would have you believe that he’s just a flawed diamond waiting to be cut and polished. And Erika’s just the girl to do it!

Anyway, the first episode kicks off with the first day of a new school year. Erika seems rather desperate to make friends, but maybe that’s just me. She’s the sort that talks a big game, but can’t back any of it up. Her one true friend even warns her that her boasts will bite her in the ass one day, which is just some not-so-subtle foreshadowing from the story. So when a pair of classmates talk about their boyfriends, our heroine can’t help but pretend as though she’s an expert on boys, relationships, and love in general. What’s perplexing is the logic behind her actions. She feels as though she has to put on airs or her newfound “friends” will kick her out of their group. But she hardly knows them. She has no clue whether or not her two classmates are even worth befriending. And if you get kicked just because you don’t have a boyfriend, what does that say about those classmates of yours?

I mean, I could understand it if she was trying to impress Mother Theresa, but she’s not. So why would you go to such lengths to impress random people? Erika’s excuse is that all of the other groups have already formed, and she doesn’t want to be left out. Yeah, this is the sort of thing you have to endure when you watch a shoujo. You sadly have to watch young people make young, stupid mistakes. And yeah, I don’t deny that there are a lot of teenagers with Erika’s mindset out there. They worry so much about the appearance of having friends without realizing at all that some of those friends just aren’t, well, good friends. Sure, we can grant this. Plus, it’s not the major quibble that I have with this anime, anyway. As flawed as Erika is — and to be fair, she’s just a kid — I’d never wish anything bad on people. So even though she’s rather shallow and superficial, she doesn’t deserve the treatment she’s about to suffer at the hands of the hot bishie.

Erika then uses Kyouya’s picture to prop up her lies, he finds out, he starts taking advantage of her, so on and so forth. First things first, he wants her to spin and bark like a dog. Right there and then, you’d cut your losses, admit you lied about having a boyfriend, and preserve your dignity. But this is a shoujo, so it’s all about dumb teenagers! Erika doesn’t allow herself to become a dog, but she does end up performing a bunch of menial tasks for Kyouya’s sake. And for what? What does she get out of it? Oh, right, he takes the heat and admits that he likes BDSM. When Erika’s “friends” tease him about being a big pervert, Erika feels so bad that she almost revealed the truth. But the bishie coolly admits to everything the girl had said about him, so our heroine stupidly comes to the following conclusion: “He said it was nonsense, but he went this far… for me?” C’mon, where’s your common sense? In Kare Kano, Soichiro made Yukino run around and do stuff for him too, but that lasted one whole episode before the girl stood up for herself. Here, Erika simply digs herself a deeper hole.

I know, I know. Not everyone is stupid. Not everyone will pattern their lives after some throwaway shoujo anime series. But some will. And I can’t help but feel as though Ookami Shoujo to Kuro Ouji teaches us that some shitty relationships are worth it. They might not have to treat you as badly as Kyouya treats Erika, but some hot people are just worth the craziness that comes along with the whole package. And I’m not bagging on hot people. There are certainly hot people out there who are also very nice people. My point is, have some pride in yourself. Have some self-respect. Nobody is ever worth it if they treat you poorly. We don’t even have to wait until they treat you like shit. Just cut the cord if you’re not happy. These shows will have you think, however, that happiness is just around the corner. They’re fantasy for a reason.

Stray notes & observations:

– They grow up so fast, don’t they?

– The animation is a bit embarrassing, especially considering how this is the very first episode.

– Plus, if you’re going to fake a boyfriend, why would you pick the hottest possible guy in the area and thus make it even harder to keep up the lie?

I don’t know anything about the Garo franchise, but this is what I can gather from the first episode. If you’re a big fan of the drama series of which this anime is based upon, feel free to correct me if I’m mistaken about anything. In the Garo universe, the land is beset by Horrors, and they appear to be… hm, demons of some sort? They’re evil creatures, basically, and they want to devour humans. We soon learn that shortly after devouring humans, Horrors are able to take their victims’ forms. Perhaps you can walk by a whole bunch of Horrors-in-disguise on your way home from work, and you won’t even realize it until it’s too late. But all is not lost; both the Makai Knights and the Makai Priests (or Priestesses) can hunt and seal these Horrors away so that they will never hurt anyone. Unfortunately, the king has fallen ill. And like most stories involving a king, he has a Machiavellian advisor who leads him astray. King Fernando is convinced that his illness is due to a witch’s curse. And oh, would you look at that? According to his advisor, it would seem that many of the Makai Priestesses are witches. Likewise, the advisor convinces the king that the Makai Knights are demons. A witch hunt ensues, and it presumably purges the Valiante Kingdom of most of the Makai Knights and Makai Priests. A few heroes, however, do remain.

So our story focuses on Leon, his father Herman, and Alphonso, the king’s son. Anna, Leon’s mother and also a Makai Priestess, had been accused of cursing the king, so she was burned alive at the stake. But while the flames raged around her, she somehow simultaneously gave birth to Leon and protected him from being harmed by the fire at the same time. Pretty impressive, I’d say. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think she was a witch too. Herman, a Makai Knight, was able to arrive in time to save Leon but not Anna. Since then, the king’s advisor has searching for the father-son duo ever since. It’s been seventeen years, in fact. Needless to say, Herman has been training Leon to become a Makai Knight, too. In fact, he becomes the Golden Knight Garo, whose mission is to slay Horrors across the land… or something. I mean, c’mon, we’re battling demons. The exact details aren’t terribly important. According to a synopsis I’ve read elsewhere, Alphonso will eventually request the help of Leon and Herman, because, y’know, the king’s advisor is an evil bastard. I wonder if the advisor is a Horror himself, or if he’s just a particularly unsavory character who’s taking advantage of the situation for power. He seems to have the ability to send Horrors after our heroes, so I’m leaning towards the former for now.

Like Shingeki no Bahamut: Genesis, MAPPA’s other series airing this fall, Garo: The Carved Seal of Flames looks to have plenty of slick action. At one point in the episode, Leon transforms into Garo in order to defend himself from a Horror, and the ensuing battle does not disappoint unless the CGI bothers you. Like in other shows, the 3-D does stick out a bit like a sore thumb, but I can tolerate it here because the fight choreography looks impressive. And this is minor in the grand scheme of things, but I also like the fact that the story doesn’t shy away from sex. For the majority of the episode, Herman lies in bed with a Horror disguised as a prostitute. I’m pretty sure she even gives him a blowjob at one point. And while the prostitute spends much of her time in various states of undress, it’s not as if Herman isn’t buck-naked himself. Of course, we don’t get to see anything explicit occur onscreen, but when so many shows shy away from sex, it’s nice to see an anime come along and doesn’t pretend as though grown-ass adults don’t have natural grown-ass urges. Peculiarly enough, these other, oh-so-mature shows often only ever make any mention of sex when someone’s getting raped. And yes, there is implied rape in Garo’s first episode. It’s unfortunate that rape rears its ugly head so often in anime, but as always, it becomes a serious problem when its portrayal is gratuitous. It’s also bad when rape is used as a plot device to make a protagonist seem more heroic or badass. You know exactly what I’m referring to.

Unlike the MAPPA’s other anime, however, Garo does appears to be a bit more exposition-laden. Nevertheless, I wasn’t bored. Why? What saves Garo is the fact that the exposition isn’t completely straightforward. Characters don’t just sit there and talk to themselves. Characters don’t just ask each other obvious questions that make the ensuing conversation seem stilted and unnatural. Herman does tell the prostitute a story, but he tells her one side of the story at first — the side that the king and his advisor would want you to hear. From there, using scenes from the anime as clues, you’re supposed to piece together the true story behind the witch hunt. Of course, there’s no grand mystery here. It’s plainly obvious that the king is a fool, innocent people have been killed, and the advisor is pulling all the strings. Nevertheless, this one small storytelling tweak prevents Garo from being too dull during its more conversation-heavy scenes. Like Shingeki no Bahamut, I don’t expect this anime to be incredibly deep or thought-provoking. I suspect I’m not going to be writing 2000-word entries on this show like I did with Terror in Resonance. Nothing so far suggests that we’ll be racking brains over Garo’s story or its themes. Still, it’s early so the show could very well surprise us in the weeks to come. Furthermore, even if you tell me that all we’re going to get is a story about a guy and his father kicking some demon ass, that’s not such a bad thing. This is especially true if Garo can keep its atmosphere up.

Why am I not impressed by a show like Hitsugi no Chaika, but I think I can enjoy Garo? After all, if the latter really is just a story about saving the kingdom from an evil advisor and his army of Horrors, aren’t they both simplistic tales about heroism, action, and adventure? Honestly, it’s all about the atmosphere. I feel that something like Chaika too often gets bogged down by stupid bullshit “anime-isms,” so it has a very anime-like atmosphere if you know what I mean. And duh, we’re watching anime, so anime shows should have all share a particular atmosphere! Or should they…? Anime is essentially just cartoons from Japan. Certainly, if anime should have anything in common, it should be the fact that these shows all come from the same culture. But at the same time, it’s silly to me that a story that takes place in a semi-European setting like Chaika will nevertheless have a ton of anime tropes and conventions that I’d expect to find in, say, a harem anime. For example, all of the girls in his party are practically in love with Toru, including his own sister. Or how the Fredrika’s human form is a midget, tsundere loli with blonde hair. I wouldn’t say Garo feels more grown-up or anything like that. Rather, when every show out there seems overly burdened by anime tropes and conventions, Garo thus feels like a breath of fresh air.

Again, it doesn’t look like we’re getting another Terror in Resonance from MAPPA, but if they can properly execute both this and Shingeki no Bahamut, give me a ticket to board their hype train. I’ll gladly ride it all the way until the studio inevitably sells out and starts making shitty LN adaptations because they need money. Ah, it’s the anime dream. Speaking of which, what’s Manglobe up to these days? I haven’t heard anything about them since Samurai Flamenco came to an end…