Fate/stay night – Unlimited Blade Works Ep. 4: The exposition strikes back!

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Aaaaand we’re back to being boring.

– Wut.

– And of course, the midget girl gets naked. Anime.

– Illya’s reasoning for not defeating her opponents when she could have? “Killing them right away wouldn’t be any fun.” Oh, my bad. I thought we were competing for an object that could make my wildest desires come true. Obviously, we’re just competing for a bar of Snickers, so we may as well make the competition seem more fun.

– According to the girl, there’s “no way to counter Berserker’s Noble Phantasm.” I believe her. There’s no way this’ll bite her in the ass. Plus, she has no ass, so…

– Ah yes, the midget pettanko and her maids with giant racks. Anime.

– Yeah, please don’t lie back on the water. That’s just nasty. I normally screenshot a lot of stuff to let my readers know what I’m talking about, but yeah, not going to do it here.

– This is a cool visual effect, especially when it’s in motion. When the anime isn’t busy being so anime, it has the potential to be really cool. But unfortunately, it’s an anime.

– Plus, I think the faces in this show just look hilariously dumb. Haha, c’mon…

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– What the hell is Shirou freaking out about? He’s got his pants on. So keep your panties on, buddy.

– Rin: “Attacking someone in their sleep isn’t fair.” Pfft, kids. But on a more serious note, I get it. Look how she’s blushing. She obviously likes this dude. She says they’ll be enemies the next time they meet, but I’m sure Shirou’s wholesome shounen charms will win her over. Anime. In any case, the show’s attempts at light-hearted humor are a miss. What was with that emotional flab moment? It fell completely flat.

– Normally, Shirou’s not supposed to remove his bandages so soon, but of course, he’s an anime Wolverine. I like how everything else in the story requires a buttload of exposition, but the fact that our hero can heal from his injuries super quick seems to have been brushed off.

– Speaking of exposition… sigh…

– I’m not going to comment on a Wikipedia entry. I’m just going to doze off. Wake me up when the exposition ends.

– The gist is that… Saber won’t reveal her true identity to Shirou. Oh well, I didn’t want to know it anyway. Also, since she can’t dematerialize like Archer, she gets to wear regular clothes and be a cute shoujo. This way, she can follow Shirou around and blend in as a student! Funny how everything just seems to work out so perfectly.

– Elsewhere, Rin and Archer investigate the scene of a crime. Remember that supposed gas leak we had heard about? Well, Rin’s not happy that innocent people are getting caught in the crossfire, so–…

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– …whoops, let’s cut back to Saber and watch her eat food! Then Shirou’s teacher calls him up and demands that he brings her food. Of course, the guy does it. Why wouldn’t he? All wholesome protagonists are pushovers.

– We are then treated to exciting action like… walking Fujimura’s bento to her. And asking the girls in the archery club why they didn’t double-check to see if Fujimura had lunch!

– It’s so exciting, Saber wanders off on her own until she runs into Kuzuki, a teacher at the school. They proceed to have an uncomfortable staring contest until Shirou catches up to his Servant. I bet he’s a Master, isn’t he? The teacher, that is. Saber says he’s not a mage, nor does she smell blood on him, but c’mon… stories like these aren’t exactly full of red herrings.

– Why did Saber find Kuzuki odd in the first place? His gait was efficient, she says. Oooh, I’ve never seen a person with an efficient gait! But not only that, he breathes super well. Somehow, his breathing is both natural and composed. If it’s so composed, how is it natural? Well, y’see, that’s why he’s so suspicious!

– Saber then asks Shirou to show her around the rest of the school. I wonder if you have to do this in the visual novel as well. To move onto the next chapter, one must wander around until a flag is triggered! Then and only then will something exciting happen! Unfortunately for the adaptation, we run into Ayako once more.

– They have some boring conversation about how Shirou never smiled when he used to be in the archery club. Nevertheless, she wants him to rejoin them. You normally wouldn’t have an encounter like this unless the girl’s going to soon run into trouble, which is what I expect to happen since the episode is almost over and, well, nothing has happened. I mean, it’s kind of a silly storytelling technique. Right before someone meets his or her end or whatever, you almost always have to have the most mundane conversation with them. I don’t know why, either.

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It’s supposed to be a stark contrast, I guess. One minute, everything seems normal — boringly normal, in fact — then the next minute, the person is dead. Then you can’t help but cry, “Why! Why didn’t I appreciate those boring moments with her more!” Oh well. Point is, I expect Ayako to be in serious trouble in the next episode.

– Afterwards, Shirou’s walking home with Sakura and Fujimura. He tells them that Saber will be staying at his place for the time being, so the women all freak out because it’s anime. No one seems to mind the fact that her name is fucking Saber. I mean, c’mon, you couldn’t bother to make up a fake name for the girl? Meh, who cares? I’m still bored.

– Then Sakura stands there all forlorn and shit, because it’s also obvious that she likes Shirou. She and Rin are like two peas in a pod: both in love with the same boring protagonist.

– Anime always has to give us a good look at the food that the characters are eating. Problem is, it’s all the same damn food anyway, and it adds nothing to the visual narrative. It’s just food.

– And look, Shirou’s surrounded by girls. Not only that, everyone decides to stay with Shirou, because who wouldn’t want to share a living space with a teenage boy! You know it’s a visual novel adaptation, because all of the other male characters are assholes. Meanwhile, the protagonist can hardly beat the girls off with a stick since they’re practically throwing themselves at him.

– Elsewhere, Rin — remember how she’s in this episode too? — is staring down a couple of skeleton… dogs? Why isn’t this adaptation told from Rin’s perspective? C’mon, she’s doing all the cool stuff! She’s investigating a murder mystery! She’s petting skeleton dogs! Why instead am I spending the majority of my time following Shirou and his stupid domestic drudgery?

– After zapping those skeleton dogs to dust — obviously, they probably weren’t dogs, but who cares? — Rin gets to fight an even bigger one!

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– It turns out a Servant — Caster, to be exact — is going around, putting people into comas so she can absorb their lifeforce. Rin will have none of that, so we can expect a showdown between them pretty soon. Unfortunately, the episode is about over, so we’ll have to put a hold on that little pickle.

– Archer doesn’t get why Rin wants to go after Caster when Shirou’s just a sitting duck. Psst, it’s because she likes him! Rin nevertheless claims that she’ll kill Shirou if he comes to her.

– Yeah, this episode sucked. All the intrigue is with Rin, but she’s not the main character, so… what can I say? Shirou and his exploits are about as interesting as a wet blanket.

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