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Tokyo Ghoul Ep. 4: Buffet Froid

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Most ghouls seem to think Ken smells weird or unsettling. Take Nishiki, for instance. He often insulted Ken for stinking like a female ghoul. Our dandy, however, differs in that he finds Ken’s aroma to be intoxicating. That’s hardly a coincidence, is it? At the moment, Shu is androgynous in many ways. First, he literally has Rize’s organs inside his own body. Not only that, our hero is timid, shy, vulnerable. etc. Whether or not you believe this to be the case, you must admit that society have long and often considered these to be feminine personality traits. Shu, therefore, represents an androgynous figure. For a lot of folks, like Nishiki, this is a perversion of nature. “Men should be men, and women should be women,” is what those people might say. But for a select few, androgyny represents beauty. Androgyny can even be seen as having the best of both words, and in that case, it goes beyond beauty. All of a sudden, androgyny becomes an ideality. I once heard in a lecture that while hermaphrodites were frowned upon by the Ancient Greeks, androgyny was venerated. For an ostentatious dandy like Shu, therefore, it’s hardly surprising that he would Ken so alluring. Duality is often admired. Itori, a bartender who appears to be an informant for ghouls, even tells Ken that a half-blooded ghoul is superior to a full-blooded one. It is never explained why this would be the case, but one can nevertheless make an educated guess: duality. Man and woman. Human and ghoul. The best of both worlds.

The thing I find most fascinating in this week’s episode, however, is the way Shu manages to “seduce” Ken. Like Rize, Shu piques Ken’s interest with by appealing the young man’s love for books. Both Shu and Rize seem nice and unthreatening on the surface. Both appear, at first glance, to be sophisticated individuals. Learned. Attractive. Charming. Hell, they even share the same hair color. It isn’t a surprise, therefore, to learn that Rize was one of Shu’s many acquaintances. There is, however, a stark difference between the two antagonists. Rize’s surface beauty only goes so far in hiding her true nature. She was, after all, a binge-eater. Unlike Shu, she never pretended to be a sophisticated monster. Behind her human mask, Rize appeared to be a woman of discerning tastes, but that was clearly not the case when it came time to feast. On the other hand, Shu enjoys the finer things in life. He’s well-dressed, he likes to spout random words in a foreign language, he’s a gourmand, so on and so forth. The most important fact, however, is that Shu’s a gourmand. Many ghouls will consume their prey anywhere. Lots of times, victims are devoured right where they are killed, i.e. in some dark back alley. When Shu lures the unwitting Ken into a trap, however, he makes a show of it. All of a sudden, Ken is thrust into a gladiatorial-like fight to the death. All around him, well-to-do ghouls shout and jeer as Ken must do battle against an executioner.

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You can’t help but wonder if this is our dandy’s twisted way of hanging onto his humanity. Even though he and Rize were acquaintances, they weren’t exactly friends. In fact, Rize mocks Shu: “…but ghouls, pretending to be high society, devoted to their palates? It’s comical how human that would be, isn’t it…?” The truth is, however, Rize and Shu are just two sides of the same coin. If we see Rize’s binge-eating as a form of sinful gluttony, then Shu is gluttonous as well. He simply can’t enjoy his “food” for what it is, i.e. a form of sustenance or a means to survival. Food is something that is essential to every living creature on this planet. No matter who we are or where we come from, we are equals in that respect. Nevertheless, haute cuisine elevates dining into an art. Not only does it become a show, it becomes a show only for a select few. Not everyone can enjoy a 9-course meal. Only the privileged can ever have that luxury, a privilege that Rize derides: “…I have absolutely no interest in your members-only gourmet club.” In any case, Shu is as gluttonous and sinful as a binge-eating like Rize. They just go about it in different ways. But what difference does it make if you eat a bunch of small plates filled with foie gras and caviar instead of one giant bucket of fried chicken? At the end of the day, there’s something undeniably greedy about it all.

How does the old saying go? “Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me?” So what are we to think of Ken now that he’s fallen for the same trap twice? Not only that, he’s been warned by multiple people that Shu could not be trusted. Nevertheless, our hero finds himself in the middle of the proverbial lion’s den. His life is only spared because, as a one-eyed ghoul, he is even rarer than Shu had previously thought possible. As a result, greediness takes over; Shu wants to have Ken all to himself. We can call Ken all sorts of names: stupid, naive, dimwit, etc. At the end of the day, however, he’s just lonely. He just recently became a ghoul, so he has few friends. Yoshimura is nice enough, but his old age prevents him from being one of Ken’s peers. Touka might be slowly warming up to the guy, but she’s still a frost queen at this moment in time. Renji is just a sparring partner. You get the picture; Ken is lonely. He has a best friend in Hideyoshi, but even when Ken wasn’t a half-blooded ghoul, they never really shared the same interests. Ken just yearns for someone who loves books as much as he does. He just wants someone to share the same passions in life. I still think Ken’s an idiot for walking himself into a blatant trap — after all, Shu’s shadiness in this week’s episode is hardly subtle — I sympathize with the guy. I know he just desperately wants a friend.

Stray observations:

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– It’s hard to shake the comparison between Shu and the infamous Hannibal from the TV show of the same name. I’m not saying that Hannibal influenced the creation of Shu’s character. I’m just saying that the similarities are remarkable. If anything, this is a sign of how two different cultures tend to view the rich and powerful. They’re both immaculately dressed at all times. They’re both learned men. They both love to throw lavish dinner parties. They’re both picky about what they put into their bodies. They’re both manipulative. Last but not least, their benign outward appearances belie their true nature. Hell, Shu even has no qualms about being a cannibal.

– I don’t think it is really necessary to show Touka puking up the kara-age in the girl’s bathroom. We already learned last week that ghouls have to fake their love for human food. As such, it just seems like the story feels the need to spell it out the audience that Touka doesn’t like her friend’s food as though we might’ve forgotten this little detail.

– There are rumors floating around that Rize’s death was not an accident, but we always had our suspicions, didn’t we? Rather, this is just the first time Ken has entertained the thought.

– When Shu sniffs Ken’s blood, it sends our dandy into a euphoric bliss. His eyes even roll back as he sees a field of stars. On the one hand, this appears like a strong reaction to a potent drug. The same thing, however, occurs during sex as well. You could say Shu’s reaction to the blood is almost orgasmic. Immediately after this scene, the anime cuts to a scene where Ken is showering. Our hero is even confused that this is happening: “Why am I even taking a shower, anyway?” We know the literal answer to this question: he’s getting himself clean because he’s about to be served up as a meal. On the other hand, however, it’s like Ken’s preparing himself for sex. Don’t you shower right before you do the deed?

– Shu has invited all these people to feast upon Ken’s flesh, but there are a lot of people there. I can’t imagine there would actually be enough of our hero to go around.

– I think the battle between Ken and Taro, the executioner-like combatant, is okay. It isn’t as shounen-y as the previous battles in the anime.


Filed under: Anime, Series, Tokyo Ghoul Tagged: Anime, Tokyo Ghoul

Rail Wars! Ep. 4: Trains, trains, trains!

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This episode is all about trains… and this hot idol in her breast-hugging top. But still, it’s all about trains!

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Jesus Christ, even a suit in this universe can’t help but hug a woman’s chest tightly. Not only that, I’ve never seen such a shiny suit bef–… what am I saying! I should be talking trains, train models, train lines, train schedules…

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…train employees courageously breaking a woman’s fall…

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…and thus become hopelessly sandwiched between two buoyant pairs of breasts. My, my, my, what a difficult and dangerous job Naoto has.

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D…did he just get knocked out by a pair of breasts?

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Yes, yes he did, because those breasts are public enemy number one. Fathers! Lock up your sons! The breasts trains are on the prowl.

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Trains.

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Trains. Trains.

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Trains. Trains. Trains.

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TRAINSTRAINSTRAINS.

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I now understand where last week’s animation budget had disappeared to. It’s like animation triage; some episodes are just more important than others. And with all the expertly rendered trains sitting before me, I must admit Passione has made the right call.. In fact, there’s even hardcore penetration in this week’s episode!

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“Young Japanese Virgin Forcefully Penetrated Onstage

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Quick, somebody save Naoto! (Psst, zoom into her breasts while we’re at it.)

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Dude, this is the best train ever.

You’re probably wondering what this train is even train. Trains, obviously. But more specifically, a train enlisted to promote trains is being trained:

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So it’s up to the train trains to protect our train. Don’t worry, though, because in the train, they save the train and apprehend the train. Why didn’t Train die from the training? Well, y’see…

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…never leave train without traintection, kids.

And as a result, the hot, sexy train is now in train with our virgin train:

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Ah, another beautiful train about young train. I hope this has been an educational train about trains for you guys. Personally, I learned a lot about trains today!


Filed under: Anime, Rail Wars!, Series Tagged: Anime, Rail Wars!

Tokyo ESP Ep. 3: Time to beat up gangsters

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I’m feeling out of it at the moment, so I’m just going to cover this week’s episode in bullet points. Hell, maybe I’ll do it for the rest of the season. Oh, just a reminder: these bullet points aren’t supposed to be comprehensive. They just cover anything that stands out to me. So you can say “You didn’t mention this?” all you want, but that’s probably because I didn’t want to mention whatever it is that you might have wanted me to mention.


Stray observations:

– The investigators are standing there, going on and on about how they can’t keep Miss Black Fist detained as a suspect. After all, there’s absolutely no evidence that points to her being the culprit other than Kyotoro’s word. Hey, that’s what I said last week! So what does Miss Black Fist do? She regains consciousness and immediately beats the investigators up. Alright, alright, maybe she didn’t hear what they had just said, but if you have the ability to go invisible, shouldn’t you… I don’t know… play it cool and see how things shake up before you start throwing punches?

– But it’s okay, because there’s an organization of evil-doers ready and willing to recruit her!

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They just happen to be around the corner too. They’re just standing there in that dark hallway, waiting for the girl to pass by.

A: Psst, is she awake yet? I’m getting bored!
B: No, no she’s not. Just be patient. She’s going to wake up and go down this exact corridor. Just trust me!

– I swear, it sure feels like Kyotaro is stalking our heroine. He’s always initiating every interaction between them. Not only that, he pops up when she least expects it too.

– Whereas Rinka’s dad is afraid the world might see espers as nothing more than monsters, Kyotaro really wants to be a hero. Unfortunately, Rinka just wants to be a normal girl again. But dude, you can walk through walls whenever you so choose. Why be normal? Why not hold onto the power but keep it a secret?

– What’s with the Ghostbusters lookalikes?

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– Man, what is this?

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A WB cartoon?

– We meet some new girl who can’t take care of the mysterious, flying penguin because her dad won’t allow her to have pets. As a result, Rinka offers to take the penguin into her own home instead. Every time I’ve gone to a zoo, the penguins are kept away in a temperature-controlled environment that’s full of water for them to swim around in. This reminds me of the sad story about the depressed polar bear. But hey, this is a magical penguin in our anime, so I’m sure it’ll do just fine in a suburban Japanese home. No, really, I’m not even being sarcastic.

– Kyotaro tells us he comes from a town with no order or hope. We suddenly see smouldering ruins as men are just being killed left and right in broad daylight:

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Christ, what is this? This is worse than Ciudad Juarez! Well, maybe not… but it does give the guy a convenient motivation to desire becoming a hero. If I was in Rinka’s shoes, I’d keep the powers, but at the same time, I wouldn’t exactly trust Kyotaro either. But this is anime, so good guys are always honest. Therefore, there’s nothing fishy about Kyotaro’s story whatsoever.

– Oh hey, the overprotective dad who destroyed a block of the city because he couldn’t control his emotions is now flipping out about the fact that his girl is being mentioned on the news. What a surprise…

Kyotaro: “Well, of course your man would worry. You don’t wear a mask or anything, Rinka-san.”
Rinka: “It’s fine. My hair color changes.”
Superman: “That’s my girl.” *puts on a pair of glasses* “Look at me! I’m a nerd!”

– Pizza and sushi are all part of a balanced Japanese diet:

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– At the same exact time, however, the organization of evil-doers shows up to kidnap Murasaki. As a result, Rinka runs into the Black Fist again and discovers that she can’t phase through people. Why not? Oh, just because…

– How nice of the masked samurai-looking dude to not, y’know, use the sharp side of his knives and kill both Peggi and Kyotaro. Why does he even bother sparing their lives? He’s a kidnapper with compassion, I guess.

– It looks like the bad guys win this time. And not only that, the Black Fist lady had to burn down the apartment complex that Rinka and her dad live in too. That’s just what evil-doers do, y’know? But who do we blame? The bad guys? Naw, let’s blame Kyotaro!

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He didn’t make Rinka follow him to the museum that night, though. That’s right, she followed him on her own accord. If she hadn’t, she never would’ve met Black Fist, and Black Fist never would’ve needed to retaliate. But oh well, I’ve always found overprotective dads to be creepy in any context.

– For some reason, the other masked individual, the guy who somehow knows Kyotaro’s name, has a ready supply of those magical, flying fishes at his disposal. As a result, he can sell supernatural powers to people at an exorbitant price. I’m more interested, however, in how that thing in his hand can keep the fishes in one place.

– Apparently, Kyotaro won’t stop at anything to save Murasaki. I didn’t quite expect our hero of justice to shoot a bad guy in the leg so calmly, but then again, he does have a reason to hate the yakuza…

– This guy looks like he’s got a pair of fire pom-poms:

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– Rinka still nevertheless feels the need to tell Kyotaro that it isn’t like him to use a handgun. Well, uh, do you intend to just punch your way through the bad guys? Especially if they have firearms?

– Murasaki complains that she is the child who can never seem to do anything, so a fish shows up and gives her powers. That’s kinda tacky.

– Amusingly, Rinka’s dad does that thing where he tries to knock her out with a punch to the stomach, but it doesn’t work. Instead, she knees him and thus knocks him out. Alright then. Kyotaro is concerned that she’s in no state to fight evil espers, but she says they now have a duty to save Murasaki. He’s right, though. One of her eyes is swollen shut, and she can hardly stand up straight. Meanwhile, she just knocked her dad out, and as overprotective as he can be, he could’ve been of some help… Ah well, I’m sure the kids will do fine in next week’s episode!


To wrap this post up, I still just think the show’s okay, but nothing to write home about. Nothing about it grabs me.


Filed under: Anime, Series, Tokyo ESP Tagged: Anime, Tokyo ESP

Sword Art Online II Ep. 4: Kirito goes shopping with his BFF

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Oh my word… we’re in an MMO! We’re finally in an MMO. Hallelujah, you guys! SAO has finally done it! After four goddamn episodes, the main character has finally set foot in GGO. T-they said it couldn’t be done, but I knew all we had to do with sit through three agonizingly slow episodes of people sitting around, talking to each other about their mental problems. I… I like to thank God… and my family… without you guys, I never would’ve been able to watch this anime!

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– Huh, what’s with that long lock of hair? Is Kirito going to be GGO’s Fabio?!

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Uguu, I’m a girl! But of course, this comes to no actual fucking surprise. Unless you’ve been living under an anime rock, both the promo materials and the OP have pretty much screamed at the top of their lungs what Kirito would look like in the sequel. But seriously, imagine if SAO hadn’t dragged its feet. Imagine if Kirito had entered GGO in the first episode, i.e. the one episode that doesn’t have the OP. Then for people who had never read the light novels, Kirito becoming a girl might have actually come as a complete surprise! But A-1 Pictures can’t even do that. It’s not like you couldn’t have Kirito enter GGO, then go back and show us all the mundane bullshit we’ve been watching in the past three weeks. Storytelling 101 is just that hard, I guess.

– The falsetto version of Kirito’s voice was pretty unintentionally funny though, I gotta admit. “Huh… HUH?!” Bro, who are you trying to fool?

– It would be something if Kirito learns a thing or about what it’s like to be a woman in online game (probably not). It would be something if people actually watched this, and started feeling bad for how they or their friends have treated women in online games (again, probably not).

– By the way, nothing about GGO’s setup makes much practical sense. First, you log into the game and you just get randomly assigned a character. Has nobody involved in the creation of this story ever played or followed MMOs whatsoever? Because if they had, they would know that MMO players would never agree to this. People want to customize how they look. Every time a new MMO comes out, a significant section of the user base will scrutinize the character creation process. This is, after all, their online persona that they’ll be adopting for the next… oh, I don’t know… the next few months. As a result, you have to at least like what your character looks like! I mean, you can’t seriously tell me a gamer out there is actually happy to play as this gap-toothed yahoo:

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Come on, give me a break. Secondly, these avatars aren’t even on equal grounds. Kirito has himself a rare F-1300 type. No fucking userbase out there would be happy with this. Why? Because it’s pure luck. If I know my MMO peers, they absolutely hate it when luck is a factor. If you’re going to ever get your hands on a rare anything, it better be because you raided for eight hours a day, everyday, for the past five months. Meanwhile, GGO hands out rare user avatars randomly. That would piss so many real players off, but in fantasy SAO world, the gap-toothed yahoo treats Kirito like a curious, fascinating specimen. Right. C’mon, SAO, you claim to love MMOs, but it sure as hell feels like you know nothing — nothing — about how MMOs or MMO communities work. People would flip their lid if someone logged in and randomly got themselves a super rare avatar they can sell on the market for tons of gold. You mean I’ve been grinding every single day for hundreds of thousands of gold, and this fucker over here instantly got one as soon as he logged in?

– The gaptoothed yahoo offers two mega credits for our Gary Mary Stu’s account. What’s the exchange rate on two mega credits? 50 pretty unicorns?

– Apparently, if Kirito’s model is really a guy, then it’s even rarer! Male privilege at work once again, folks!

– I don’t know why Kirito grabs at his chest and thinks his flatness is sufficient proof that he isn’t a girl. Wow, dude, you think pettankos aren’t girls? Way to be a shitlord!

– Oh man, look at all these guys catcalling our hero:

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Hey, it’s easy. Just make it so that your chat window filters out the /say channel. This way, you can ignore people who aren’t your friends or fellow guild members… oh wait, this is SAO, so you probably can’t do something that every MMO has had for the past decade or more.

– Despite all its flaws, however, GGO does have weird-looking cats sleeping in its alleyway. Oh yeah, that’s the most important thing for an MMO to have: cat immersion.

– Look how Kirito’s eyes light up at the sight of a new candidate for his harem.

– Kirito: “Damn, she totally thinks I’m a girl.” If everyone thinks you’re a girl, dude, just go with it. You’re supposed to be undercover, anyway. You’re here to investigate a potential homicide. Why the hell, then, would you care so much what your avatar even looks like? Seriously. Other people should care. They play for fun. On the other hand, this is your job.

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– Why would you just come out and say you’re entering the Ballet of Bullet event? Don’t you think you’re potentially arousing suspicions quite a bit? Oh, I’m new to this game, but I want to PvP against its top players right off the bat!

– Christ, do I really have to listen to Kirito’s female voice for the rest of season?

– Kirito has focused his stats into strength and agility… hey, that’s pretty much the ideal stats for GGO! What a coincidence!

– All these guns though… look at our Mary Sue’s face as he imagines himself not using a badass sword for the first time in his MMO career:

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I-I’ll have you know I was an expert dual-wielder in my fantasy MMOs! Therefore, I demand a sword in this gun-focused MMO!

– According to Sinon, the starting 1,000 credits won’t even be enough to get Kirito a used revolver. Why can’t Sinon just craft our hero a decent gun to start out with, then? Wait, does this game even have crafting? Do you really just buy and sell guns that you get from drops and drops alone?

– They really couldn’t give Kirito a hacked account with a lot of credits on it, huh?

– So there’s a game within this game where you have to run down a long corridor and dodge bullets:

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If you succeed, you get all the money players have put into the game since… well, apparently, nobody has ever beaten it before. I’m inclined to think it’s rigged, but obviously, our Mary Sue will get the job done. After all, he’s in a hefty need for credits. Predictable much, SAO?

“Paied.”

– Great, Kirito runs like a Narutard too:

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Seriously, you can’t tell me you can keep your balance when you’re bent over like that.

– Y’see, the problem other players run into is that they don’t dodge until they see the predictive bullet lines, and as a result, it’s already too late. Our Mary Sue, however, is a genius who realizes he should start dodging long before the predictive bullet lines even show up! Yes, in the history of the game, no has ever thought to be elusive 100% of the time. Only a Mary Sue could ever think of such a tactic.

– Haha, he even does a dramatic flip to end the game.

– Sinon: “What kind of reflexes do you have?!” Baby, why don’t I show you later in my private e-room…?

– Kirito knows nothing about guns, which is understandable. No, really, it is. Nevertheless, Sinon goes, “You don’t even know that, but you have those ridiculous dodging skills?” I’m sorry, but since when did dodging and knowledge about guns go hand-in-hand? They’re not even intrinsically related to each other. You can hit a three-point shot, but you don’t even know why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch? What are you!

– “It goes back to the American M16…” Please… please don’t start doing this. Don’t start telling me details about assault rifles. I don’t care.

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You’re goddamn right, it doesn’t.

– There we go! Kirito spies an energy sword, and he just can’t resist! The only thing more precious to Kirito than his haremettes is his trusty penis extension!

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Whoa there, boy! Keep it in your pants now!

– Sinon: “Yeah, but no one uses them.” You just did it. You just gave our Mary Sue a reason to be the super special snowflake.

– Kirito wonders why nobody uses energy swords in this game. Sinon explains, “Well, because you can only strike at point-blank range…” But c’mon, even FPS games in my real, mundane world have melee weapons, ’cause guess what…? People panic when you get close to them. Their aim suddenly becomes erratic. You can have an advantage at point-blank range if you know what you’re doing. Sinon then adds, “…by the time you get that close, you’ve already been blown apart.” Au contraire, my future gun-fearing haremette! Will you be blown apart if you can use this energy sword to deflect bullets like some kind of shitty Jedi wannabe? ‘Nuff said, girl. I’m going to buy this energy sword! PAIED!

– Wow, it even hums like a lightsaber. Fucking RIP.

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First, he anticipates bullet lines like a Jedi Master. Now, he wields a lightsaber. All that’s missing is the Jedi mind trick.

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“You will be my haremette…”

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“Yes, Kirito-chan… I will be your loving, doting haremette.”

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“Wow, I didn’t even say you had to be loving or doting… I am the king!”

– By the way, have they even introduced themselves to each other yet? Y’know, learn the other person’s name?

– Hey, they could’ve called the bad guy “Darth Gun!” Alas, another missed opportunity.

– Sinon: “She looks surprisingly good with that.” Man, don’t you listen? He’s been going on and on about how he used to play a fantasy MMO, i.e. a game that’s likely full of swordplay. It’s not hard to put two and two together.

– 150,000 credits for an energy sword, good lord. Maybe RMTs have gotten to this game’s economy, too.

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– Holy crap, this episode is hilarious. We’ve literally spent half of it just shopping. Not just any shopping, though. MMO shopping. MMO Shopping with the girls.

– Oh good, now we’re at a gun range. Let’s see if our Mary Sue is a crackshot as well.

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Pfft, step your game up, son. Tatsuya of Mahouka would’ve hit it by now, and I don’t mean the bullseye.

– I love how Kirito and Sinon are now 10 minutes away from missing the BoB registration deadline entirely. Not only did Sinon, a veteran of the game, wait until the last minute to register, but apparently, Kirito’s bosses allowed him to enter the game without any clue whatsoever that he had only a limited amount of time to enter the contest. As a result, we now have this contrived race against the clock.

– No teleporters in GGO. No fast movement of any sort to speak of. Again, what a shitty MMO.

– No time to waste, baby. Hang on tight!

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I knew owning a motorcycle in real life would pay off! Now I can ride in-game!

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– She goes on to say, “…almost no one can handle them!” No one! Are you serious? Even Kirito’s ability to ride a bike is fucking unique. El-oh-el, guise, these bikes have just been sitting around collecting dust because no one can ride one! What’s next? Kirito’s the only person who can bullseye a womp rat on his T-16? As an aside, I like how the girl is groping Kirito’s chest already.

– The patented “bury my face in your back” anime move.

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Noice. The seduction of Sinon has begun. Give yourself to the Mary Sue, Sinon. It is the only way you can save yourself.

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Well, that was quick.

– Sinon: “Hey, faster! Go faster!” Keep this PG, girl.

– Boy, that was an exciting episode! What’s next? Eating e-caeki with my BFF? Accessorizing my cute armor with my BFF? Don’t hold back now, SAO!


Filed under: Anime, Series, Sword Art Online Tagged: Anime, Sword Art Online, Sword Art Online II

Mahouka Koukou no Rettousei Ep. 17: The never-ending arc

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Yes, a hundred million dollars are at stake over a tournament between a bunch of high schools. Let that sink in. Welcome back to yet another installment of Mahouka Koukou no Rettousei, the anime with a ridiculously inflated sense of self-importance.

– “That’s in U.S. dollars!” insists the evil, evil gangster. We’re not talking about the weakass yen! We’re talking about American moolah! But wait, I-I thought everything about Japan was superior!

– Yeah, these gangsters aren’t going to go down without a fight. Go out there and show those high school punks the what for! We’ve worked too hard to rig this high school tournament!

– I love it, though. A bunch of generic men just sitting around a table, discussing the plot. This… this is the brilliant anime that some people so ardently defend. Conversations at a table. Conversations on the battlefield. Coming soon… conversations on the john. The biggest offense isn’t even that Tatsuya’s an unapologetic Gary Stu. This makes him an easy target for jokes, but as hard as it is to believe, he’s not Mahouka‘s biggest flaw. The biggest offense isn’t even the pathetic siscon bullshit the anime tries to shove down our throats, nor is it fans’ hilarious attempts to defend the relationship between Tatsuya and his sister. “It’s not incest!” they cry as they continue to masturbate to every single exchange between the siblings.

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Let me tell you what Mahouka‘s biggest flaw is. Mahouka‘s biggest flaw is that it is a complete and utter failure of the imagination. Nothing I’ve seen thus far has made me think, “Wow, this was created with passion.” Nothing here is a labor of love. Not even the unrelentingly boring monologues on the show’s magic makes me think an ounce of human emotion has gone into them. The anime is robotic, mechanical, and worst of all, soulless. You say I resort to hyperbole and exaggerations when covering this anime? It’s because the only way I can get through this abomination of a story is by injecting my own humanity into it. You’re right; my views on the show are subjective. I’ve never once pretended to be objective on this blog. I wear my biases on my sleeve. But you see, by itself, Mahouka is nothing more than another dry, boring tale about a self-insert character. There are a billion of these stories out there. You can find these amateurish attempts at fiction anywhere on the internet. But with my subjectivity, Mahouka becomes a farce of epic proportions. The story becomes a parody of both the show’s creators and its intended audience. And that is why I continue writing about the anime. Why bother? Why bother, they cry! It’s just so bad! Because in doing so, I can turn Mahouka into something even I can enjoy.

– Tatsuya: “…neither do I have proof that nothing will [happen].” What a stupid thing to say. Who has proof that a unicorn won’t appear in their room right now? Oh, you don’t, do you? Gee, I wonder why. I mean, just say you have a feeling something bad will go down. It’s that simple. Instead, Tatsuya has to be all pretentious about it.

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– Fap fap fap. No, there’s no incest here! Fap fap fap. They just have a really close, loving relationship! I wish… I wish my imouto worshiped the ground I walked on…

– More Mirage Bat. ‘Cause it sure was exciting to watch the first time around. But that’s right! The “exciting” battle between Tatsuya and the Crimson Prince wasn’t even the conclusion to this ridiculously drawn-out arc. How much longer can this go?

– Mikihiko and Mizuki start freaking out when Erika suggests that the two of them become a couple. Yeah, freaking out. In the real world, people would just shrug, maybe tell the girl to shush, then go back to watching the match in front of them. In anime world, however… “T-This is not the time to be saying things like that!” Yeah! M-my virgin ears! Just hearing such lewd and dirty talk is enough to ruin me for marriage forever! And people say I exaggerate. These characters are absolutely fucked up in their heads.

– I’m not going to waste too much time discussing the actual plot. Basically, Tatsuya has a mystery to solve and that’s all the context we really need.

– Since Miyuki’s match is coming up next, Tatsuya will personally check her CAD for himself. Oh yeah, it’s personal.

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What do your robot eyes see, boy?

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Zoom in! Convert to negative!

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Ah, it’s so obvious! Black tendrils!

– Tatsuya then flips the fuck out:

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C’mon, you don’t need me to tell you what’s about to happen when an anime male loses his eyes, do you? Of course not.

– The Patriarchy shows up and takes one look at Miyuki’s CAD. That’s all he needs to launch into a history lesson about the Golden Electron Silkworms. No, really, Golden Electron Silkworms. And you know what place silkworms are often associated with? Fucking China! Those dirty mainlanders sticking their noses where they don’t belong!

– In any case, our invincible god has impressed the Patriarchy once again. Big surprise there.

– Good lord, she looks like a clown:

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– “It’s only for your sake that I can get angry for real.” What a sad and miserable existence. tatsuya

– “And that’s the one ‘natural thing’ left in my heart.” Aw, this Tin Man needs a heart, you guys. I joke, because this is a joke. Y’see, what Tatsuya says about himself here isn’t even a negative quality for the fans who adore him. Oh, you know how certain neckbeardian nerds can be. They see themselves as paragons of cold, unrelenting logic. They can’t help but turn everything into a debate. If successful, they then proceed to drop accusations of fallacious argumentation left and right. Ad hominem! Onus probandi! Wingardium leviosa! See, the more the fallacies sound like Latin, the stronger their objection. So while Tatsuya’s description of himself may seem bizarre and pathetic to the rest of us, to a certain fanbase, this is what they want to become. They want to be this weirdo who supposedly operates with inhuman efficiency (of course, he doesn’t). It is what allows them to distinguish themselves from the masses — the lowly, pathetic, emotional masses. I bet if Tatsuya listened to music, his favorite band would be Tool. Mathematical! But despite this love for cold, hard logic, these neckbeards are nevertheless hopeful that they will one day find themselves a milady that they can obsess over. Tatsuya’s milady just happens to be his own fucking sister.

– Nope, still looks like a clown to me:

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– “It would be a shame for it to get ruined by tears… milady.” Oh, why don’t you just wear a fedora already!

– The next day rolls around, and the anime immediately jumps to Miyuki’s match…

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A close match? Really? Get out! No, really, get the fuck out.

– Tatsuya then has the gall to say, “The Nine Schools Competition is no joke, I guess?” What? What? Were you not here when your school streamrolled over the competition for the past two months? Oh, of course you were. You singlehandedly won all those matches by yourself anyway. For once, however, a match is close. For once. What a joke.

– In any case, that’s all about to change anyway. If you think for a second Miyuki won’t mop the floor with her competitors, think again:

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Oh, would you just look at that… Miyuki is, after all, a chip off the ol’ Gary Stu block — a specimen crafted from a Gary Stu’s very own rib bone. How is she doing all of this, though?

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Flying, of course!

– As a results, those assholes sit around a table some more. Only six minutes left in this episode, guys. Better start doing something interesting soon.

– Since they can no longer rig the results anymore, these gangsters will now resort to extreme measures. And I do mean extreme measures: “Using a Generator to indiscriminately kill a hundred or so of the audience should suffice.” Man, you couldn’t even get away with rigging a high school tournament. Let that sink in for a moment before I go on. You couldn’t even outsmart a bunch of kids. And now, you want to commit homicide and just walk away scot-free. Yo, that’s like failing to swipe a cookie from the cookie jar before dinner time, so I’m going to now commit grand theft auto to draw attention away from my failed theft. What could go wrong?

– In any case, the bad guys will unleash No. 17 to get the job done. No. 17…

number 17

…we meet again.

– “…but if we remove his limiter, he can kill a hundred or two with his bare hands.” What’s stopping him from killing you with his bare hands when you remove his limiter, huh?

– So this No. 17 guy finally shows up…

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And is promptly defeated by the guys in the 101 Independent Magic-Equipped Battalion:

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So much for that. Psst, I think the anime is trying to be funny.

– In our next scene, Miyuki wants Tatsuya to stay by her side while she gets some rest.

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Skip.

– Miyuki’s into the finals, but the flying magic got leaked, so now everyone’s flying around like idiots. It’s not like Madhouse will bother to animate any of it, though:

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Great, they look like gnats from down here. I’m glad I got front row seats.

– It turns out that even if you copy Tatsuya’s awesome flying magic, only his precious imouto can use it properly. So once again, it’s a landslide victory for the girl:

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Hurr hurr, this Nine Schools Competition definitely is no joke!

– Still, Tatsuya grimaces and balls up his fists for some reason. And then the episode just ends. So I guess this arc still isn’t over. For fuck’s sake…


Filed under: Anime, Mahouka Koukou no Rettousei, Series Tagged: Anime, Mahouka Koukou no Rettousei

Aldnoah.Zero Ep. 4: Bitter

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“In an extreme situation where there’s no telling when an enemy will come, human beings aren’t known for remaining calm and rational.”

Then why are you so calm and rational, Inaho? After four episodes, I have almost gotten used to Inaho’s calmness. It’s strange, however, how he almost seems cheerful, upbeat, and optimistic when compared to most of the people around him. In a vacuum, you would never even say, “Inaho is a very emotive person,” but his ability to stay even-keel manages to draw a sharp contrast between him and even his own friends. You can certainly understand why most of the other characters are slowly becoming resentful. As exciting as the show has been, war is still a tragedy, and it’s a pity that Inaho’s friends haven’t even had time to mourn Okisuke’s death. There’s a brief moment in this week’s episode where they finally get to reflect on their loss. But after all the danger they’ve been through, as well as considering the current situation they’re in, the kids can’t afford to cry. So instead, they mock their own sadness: “Man, he was a moron up to the very end…” Obviously, no one intends to desecrate the memories of a dear friend, but they can’t exactly break out in fits of tears in the middle of a room full of other weary war refugees. So the kids do the only thing they can do: become bitter and redirect their hate towards the enemy.

Bitterness and resentment are building up across the characters. As previously stated, Inaho’s friends are bitter over Okisuke’s death. Calm even swears that he’ll make the Martians pay for their crimes. From his perspective, however, Earthlings had assassinated Asseylum. This isn’t actually what happened, but he and his friends don’t know that. As far as most of the characters are concerned, Princess Asseylum is still dead. Despite the anime making a big show of her reveal in the previous episode, only four people (not including the princess herself) know that she’s still alive: Inaho, Slaine, Rayet, and of course, Asseylum’s maid Eddy. Point is, most people believe Asseylum had been assassinated, and as a result, most people should realize that her death was the spark that ignited this war. In their minds, therefore, Earthlings should be partly responsible for this whole mess as well. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not attempting to absolve our antagonists of any guilt. Even assuming there hadn’t been a conspiracy, I could never justify invading and murdering millions of people over the death of a single princess. Still, you have to wonder… let’s say Earth manages to win this war one day. Would people like Calm pull back and look at the whole picture? Or would he aim to persecute the Martians to no end?

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Rayet is bitter too. Again, she’s one of the few people privy to the knowledge that Asseylum is still alive. Knowing that, you could even be optimistic if you so choose. After all, if Asseylum can ever get the word out to the right people that she hasn’t died, you could perhaps call an end to this war. Nevertheless, Rayet entertains no such notion. Having lost her father, she too sees the Martians as nothing more than the one true enemy. The kicker, however, is that she even thinks of Asseylum as the enemy even though the princess has fought back against one of her own people and along Rayet’s side too. This is what bitterness has done to the girl, but still, you can understand where’s she’s coming from. You can understand what’s happening here. The characters are putting up a unified front against the enemy because they’ve lost their friends, their families, their homes–… they’ve lost everything. As such, I’m not really criticizing anyone’s actions, per se. It’s Inaho that I don’t understand. Why isn’t he madder about the current situation? Why isn’t he bitter? Yes, his sister has always taught him to focus on what he can do in tough times, but still, why hasn’t the tragedy hit him with as much as force as it has hit his friends?

Slaine no longer knows who he can trust. Slaine knows Asseylum is still alive, but as a former Terran who has lost himself within the military ranks of the Vers Empire, he has no real clout. He can’t even request to avenge the princess’s death without Cruhteo mocking the young man’s resolve. If there’s one thing I don’t like about Aldnoah.Zero, it’s the antagonists’ lack of range. Other than Slaine, none of the Orbital Knights are remotely sympathetic. I had once considered whether or not Cruhteo would ever change sides because he is still loyal to the princess, but not anymore. He just has so much contempt for a Terran that I can never see him in a positive light. He may not have been involved in the conspiracy to assassinate Asseylum, but Slaine’s right: Cruhteo is still using her death as an excuse to commit murder. But back to my original point, I’m somewhat disappointed at Cruhteo’s portrayal. War isn’t always about good vs. evil. Sure, there’s nothing redeemable about Hitler, and fine, I can even understand the need to craft a simpler narrative of the good guys versus the bad guys. But still, we have yet to see a single sympathetic antagonist. Slaine doesn’t really count as an antagonist, so they’ve got nobody. There’s not a single person that makes you think, “Wow, he or she’s just caught up in a bad situation.” Instead, we can justifiably root against every single antagonist we’ve seen thus far.

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The action in this week’s episode is still pretty fun to watch, but I hope the show doesn’t devolve into a thing where the bad guys send out one enemy mecha at time, and there’s a different gimmick for each and every single one of them. This week, we have a samurai-like mecha of sorts, but once again, Inaho’s ingenuity buys enough time for the good guys to escape. I won’t deny that there’s something enjoyable about watching a ragtag group of Earthlings go up against the Martians’ overwhelming force. After all, there’s a reason why the story of David vs Goliath is a thing; we love rooting for the underdogs. I just worry, however, that Inaho may fall into the same trap as recent anime protagonists and become far too capable as a character. Going into the story, I had assumed that Koichiro would play the battle-hardened veteran who knows what to do and how to lead. So far, however, he’s a little to busy fighting his own demons to take charge. As a result, responsibility falls upon Inaho’s shoulders once again. Inko can’t help but remark, “It’s not like you to be so reckless, Inaho.” In response, even Inaho is a little taken aback at his own actions. Obviously, the anime is teasing the possibility of a romance between him and Asseylum, but that doesn’t really matter to me at the moment. Again, as much as I currently enjoy the action, I just hope Inaho doesn’t become yet another Gary Stu. It would get old if he’s the one who keeps leading everyone to victory over and over.


Filed under: Aldnoah.Zero, Anime, Series Tagged: Aldnoah.Zero, Anime

Captain Earth Ep. 17: The same ol’ story

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With sixteen episodes under our belt, may as well keep trucking on with the seventeenth. Besides, I only drop a show at this late stage of the game if it’s either reprehensible (e.g. Kamisama Dolls) or I already know how it’s going to end (e.g. One Week Friends).

– So we have ourselves a new character: a cold-looking blonde woman by the name of Ando. She says something about HQ overriding Tsutomu’s attempts to bar Salty Dog employees from entering his control room. This reminds me how we’re on the seventeenth episode of the season, and I still don’t really know all that much about Globe or Salty Dog. For instance, Tanegashima is just one of many Globe bases across the entire world, and yet, it never feels like anyone’s doing anything but the Tanegashima Base. Is the rest of Globe just twiddling their thumbs or what? And who’s funding all of this? Where do they get the money to build three special mechas? Salty Dog seems to be full of investigators, but is that it? The entire organization? If not, then what do they even do? Y’know, maybe… maybe there just isn’t that much to know about Captain Earth‘s universe, but then seems kind of sad if you think about it.

– According to Tsutomu, rumor has it Ando is here to arrest Hana. That’s right, arrest. Under whose authority, though? Can she really just arrest people if Salty Dog wants her to? Are these characters under a completely different jurisdiction, and if they say, “Hand over Hana Mutou,” Tsutomu has no choice but to comply? I suppose I could just presume this, but that’s my beef with Captain Earth. Everything is just presumed, and nothing has been fleshed out. Its world feels hollow and gimmicky.

– Sorry, but Ando can’t arrest Hana even if she wanted to. Why? ‘Cause she’s in space, sticking her butt in our faces:

Captain Earth - 1701

Proper world-building? Nah. Constant fanservice? Sure! When Hana finally takes her seat with the other two “sunbathing” girls — employees of the Tenkaidou — guess what the three them proceed to talk about. Guess! Guess! That’s right! They talk about who Hana likes! You know, the female characters on this show constantly take breaks from the action to relax and enjoy themselves, so you’d think they have the time to talk all about all sorts of interesting topics. But no, even on their vacation, they talk about boys. Fucking lame. Basically, strip these girls half-naked, then have them giggle over boys for an entire scene.

– Oh lord, Ando does that thing where she talks into her coffee cup. What gets me is that her coffee cup is even branded with the Salty Dog logo. Why do you guys even have branded coffee cups? Why! I realize it doubles as a communications device, but that makes it even dumber to brand the item!

– Belly Button Forte makes its lame comeback:

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And it’s just as cringe-inducing as before. The characters even break the fourth wall today when Akari points her belly button in the audience’s direction. Right, right, I’m so hard-pressed for sex that I would get excited over a fucking belly button. If you counter with, “That was supposed to be funny,” what on earth is funny about a belly button? Why are you laughing at a belly button! What is wrong with you!

– So Puck’s just eye-fucking every pretty thing that crosses his path…

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…at least someone’s enjoying himself. I didn’t know artificial intelligence could have sexual inclinations, though. Anyway, that’s it. That’s the entire scene. Puck tells the new girl that he’ll be free later that night, then we cut to Setsuna singing a song. Not only that, this is the only time Puck even appears in this week’s episode! And that’s a damn shame.

– For some reason, we get a scene in which Teppei explains the nature of the pendant that he and Daichi share. Okay, that is really new and exciting territory to cover.

– There are mechas shows out there with better action. There are certainly mecha shows out there with better stories. And if fanservice was all we cared about, there are mecha shows out there with better fanservice too! Captain Earth isn’t even all that silly. Like if we’re talking camp, this show doesn’t even come close to something like Star Driver. What does Captain Earth even excel at? What does it even do right? Why have you done this to me, Bones? Other than Space Dandy, which isn’t my thing but I can respect it, everything you’ve churned out since Un-Go has been utterly and painfully mediocre.

– Ando takes a look at three of the kids, then confirms that they are kids. Did she really need to come all the way out here to come to that conclusion, though? If Salty Dog is an intelligence-gathering organization, shouldn’t she have already known this? Seen pictures of them? Read their bios?

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– Setsuna has two — two! — capsules ready for her friends to use, but… uh, only Amara, Moco, and Zin are ready to deploy. When Amara naturally wonders why the other designer children arenot around, Lin replies with — get this — “Leaving it to you.” As with Salty Dog, what do they even do? No, really, what are they fucking doing in their free time? We don’t know anything! “We have issues with teamwork,” Amara says. Hah.

– Apparently, Setsuna’s soft heart hasn’t gone unnoticed. Amara launches into a spiel about how Earthlings are unworthy of compassion: “They aren’t like us. Their lives are finite. When a finite life form evolves sentience, a destructive desire manifests deep with its heart. In the end, their race’s only purpose is to be eaten by us.” Obviously, he sees himself on top of the food chain, so we’re nothing but livestock to him. You can argue how we’re not supposed to eat anything that’s intelligent. For example, most of us wouldn’t eat dolphin meat. But still, that’s not even what I want to quibble with. Rather, it’s the third sentence that sticks out to me. “A destructive desire?” A destructive desire for what? Love? War? Bacon? I mean, c’mon, could you try explaining yourself a bit? But the show won’t. Therefore, I have no clue what Amara’s argument even is. I’m not saying he’s wrong. In fact, I can’t even say he’s wrong, because I have no clue what he’s talking about.

– Oh well, the episode is half over, so you know what that means: the designer children will attack. The action is actually starting a bit earlier in this week’s episode, but you’ll see why. Anyway, both Moco and Zin are on the move! Say, this is the first time we’ve seen Zin taken to space as Zimbalt, right? Oh boy, a new mecha!

– Can someone say e-e-e-expansion sequence?

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Must be easy to keep the budget down when you can reuse so much material. Of course, I wouldn’t complain if the show was actually good. If the anime was actually enjoyable, then I’d just chalk these scenes up to mecha convention. When a show is bad, however, it fucking pours. Who the hell wants to watch the Earth Engine expand for the billionth time when you know you’re not even going to get kick-ass mecha action out of it?

– Since there are two Kiltgang threats, we must watch two expansion sequences. Yaaaaay! And this is why the “fighting” started earlier this week. We had to make room for two whole sequences. Fucking sweet, huh?

– Tsutomu gives the launch orders at around 11:12 on my media player. The two expansion sequences are complete at 14:04. That about says it all.

After both Impacters have launched, Ando finally tells Tsutomu that she has already given the orders for Cerberus to launch. Well, gee, if you could’ve handed the problem yourself, then why didn’t you say so?

– Don’t worry, because we don’t have to watch Cerberus go through an expansion sequence.

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After all, it’s unmanned: “Manned Impacters are behind the times, Science Chief.” I wonder if we’ll get some thinly-veiled commentary on how drones are bad.

– In just an instant, Moco has taken control of Cerberus. Welp, so much for that. As you can plainly see, unmanned Impacters suck because they can be turned against you. Meanwhile, our trusty shounen heroes can never be turned! Onward, Midsummer’s Knights! Anyway, Akari’s a super special hacker, right? Why doesn’t she hack Cerberus and reclaim control of it?

– Fighting between our heroes and the Kiltgang finally breaks out at 16:58, nearly six minutes after Tsutomu’s launch orders.

– “So you’ve been bitten by your own dog?” Groooooooan. But hey, Akari is typing furiously away at her station, because we all know hacking is basically just thinking up a billion strings of code on the fly.

– On the Tenkaidou, everyone’s looking all concerned and shit until Hana goes, “It’ll be okay.” Tsubaki then looks all stunned and wide-eyed for no reason.

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You mean… you mean you’re actually optimistic about your friends’ chances? No way! Hana doesn’t even have anything profound to say: “Teppei and the captain won’t lose to them. They won’t!” Whoop-dee-fucking-doo.

– But like every battle scene we’ve ever seen in this anime, the good guys are losing until… they simply stop losing. Daichi and Teppei are on the ropes? Teppei’s Nebula Engine is still damaged from the previous fight? It’s okay. In an instant, the two kids become one and turn the fight around:

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“It’s crazy, but they’re working well together.”

– “I’ve retaken Cerberus,” Akari exclaims. Yep, the anime is so goddamn predictable.

– Somehow, Akari hacks the Kiltgang themselves, causing the bad guys to lose control of their mechas. Not only that, their Ego Blocks are revealed to the world:

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As you can see, Moco’s Ego Block is located in her mecha’s crotch for some reason. The good guys then try to destroy said Ego Blocks, but it fails anyway. It turns out the Ego Blocks can only be destroyed by their respective owners… “[f]or now,” Teppei adds. Still, another episode, another fight, another victory. Conflicts never seem to span more than a single episode. The good guys always come up with a victory plan somehow. Yawn.

– How can Hana be so confident in her friends? ‘Cause they’re a team! Yay!

– Frustrated with their losses, Amara suggests that the next time they launch, they all launch at once. Setsuna’s been having trouble gathering up enough Orgone energy to supply her subjects with enough capsules. But who knows! Maybe something will change and she’ll somehow find enough energy for all seven of them! In any case, even though this is the first time we’ve seen Zimbalt in action, I can’t really tell if there’s anything special about him. And if the bad guys are all going to launch at once the next time they fight, will we even get to see anything special about Bugbear and Siren? Probably not…


Filed under: Anime, Captain Earth, Series Tagged: Anime, Captain Earth

Akame ga Kill! Ep. 4: Another mission, another serial killer

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Oh this? Just a couple of bros working up a sweat before breakfast. Yep, we have ourselves another wonderful of episode of Akame ga Kill!

– The episode actually kicks things off with the latest villain ripping a poor woman’s head from her body. But considering all the things I’ve heard about this show, this crime is apparently tame compared to the later shit we’ll be seeing.

– Hey guys, did you know that Akame likes to eat? Oh man, what a fresh and original anime trope.

– Our latest villain looks like he has bunny ears, but anyway, he’s a former executioner who has gone crazy from all the people he has had to kill. As a result, he’s just now killing people indiscriminately. Honestly, something about this feels kind of fillerish. I mean, Night Raid’s job is to eventually overthrow the evil Empire and achieve revolution. So doesn’t it seem like a waste of time for them to concern themselves with a serial killer?

– Tatsumi doesn’t know what the Imperial Arms are, and neither do we. Therefore, Najenda will give us a super awesome history lesson. Yay, who doesn’t love exposition?

– “Materials from legendary super-leveled Danger Beasts.” Super-leveled? What is this, a JRPG?

– “And rare metals like orichalcum.” Oh yeah, it’s definitely a JRPG.

A…are you serious?

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– Sure enough, Akame has one of those Imperial Arms, and so does the rest of the team. Well, minus Tatsumi, of course. By the way, a significant portion of this week’s episode is just the characters striking a pose for the camera.

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The question, of course, is whether any of this is necessary. Haven’t we, for example, already seen what Akame’s Murasame can do? Haven’t we also seen what Mine’s Pumpkin can do just last week? So why would you not continue showing us what these weapons are capable of? Plus, aside from the Murasame, the Imperial Arms all sound dumb as hell.

– Then we have some dumb arbitrary rule where if two users with Imperial Arms ever fight against each other, one must die! Even if it’s a draw!

– Even though our assassins are on the job, Akame somehow finds herself a crepe to eat. Anime’s just gotta anime, I guess.

– So is Tatsumi dumb or what? During a bathroom break, he sees his late friend Sayo staring at him. First, can a man not get some privacy when he takes a leak? Second, Sayo’s dead. He saw her dead body himself. Why are fictional characters always written like this? If he had been distraught and depressed since the first episode, I could understand him chasing after this “Sayo.” But he hasn’t shown any signs whatsoever of mental distress or anguish. As a result, why would he just indiscriminately chase after “Sayo” when he is in the middle of a dangerous mission? There’s no reason for him to think she’s suddenly resurrected herself! This is just lazy storytelling. Let’s pick out a familiar trope and just run with it!

– “There’s no doubt about it. That’s Sayo…” Alright, he’s just unbelievably stupid. Hell, I don’t think he’s even fit to tie his own shoelaces.

– I… I think the anime is trying to be funny:

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But like everything else about the show, the humor just falls flat.

– It would have been cool if, for example, there had been a cat-and-mouse game between Zank and the members of Night Raid. After all, they’re supposed to be assassins, right? But nah, we just jump straight into a fight between Zank and Tatsumi. They may as well all be brawlers.

– Zank’s special gimmick is that he can read people’s thoughts just by looking at them. Luckily, we’ve already proven that Tatsumi’s a dumbass, so all he has to do is keep it simple. Just, y’know, don’t go full retard.

– The action is standard anime fare, except with more blood, I guess. Still, that’s probably all it takes to impress people, though, when the genre is flooded with tame shounens. Unfortunately, it doesn’t do anything for me. I’m kind of bored, actually.

– “He’s looking into my heart, so I’ll keep it simple.” Oh hey, what did I say!

– After just getting a single strike in, however, Akame crashes the party. Awww, no heroics for our hero this week.

– I like how the guy’s super special vision powers can see through her clothes, but not her undergarments. So how can he be so sure she’s not hiding a secret weapon in her panties? But hey man, even a serial killer has class!

– But what can Akame do when her opponents can read her thoughts? After all, she’s not as stupid as Tatsumi. What’s the back up plan? Go zen-like, apparently:

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Sadly, Zank has future sight as well.

– Again, the battle has come to a draw, so Zank’s trying to get the mental edge. How? By dredging up her personal demons, of course.The thing is, Zank’s Imperial Arms allows him to create illusions as well. Not just any illusion, but an illusion of the person most important to you. Tatsumi had seen his late friend Sayo. As for Akame, she sees some girl by the name of Kurome. One of the flashbacks pretty much confirm that Kurome is a former ally. Hell, the two girls even look kind of similar to each other, so I wouldn’t be surprised if they were actually related.. In any case, I can’t help but imagine what the story would’ve been like if the story had gone with this direction from the start. I think it would’ve been a lot more interesting to watch if Zank had been an intelligent villain. Sadly, he’s just another pig-headed, assclown-looking serial killer. But what can I say? Action sells, especially if it’s as edgy as the action here.

– The dialogue is just awkward. Too many unnecessary explanations: “It’s no use. It only works on one at a time, but the hypnosis is strong. And no matter how experienced one may be, it is impossible for one to kill those they love most.” We could’ve surmised this for ourselves, but the anime assumes we’re idiots.

– In the end, Akame wins because she does want to kill the person she loves most. Whoops. But anyway, Zank’s story is over already, and after all that I’ve seen in this week’s episode, I’d still say it feels kind of fillerish. Sure, we’ve learned about the existence of this Kurome girl, but meh. Even if Kurome ends up being related to Akame, this still feels like such a minor revelation. Akame’s character is still rather underdeveloped, and the plot hasn’t really progressed whatsoever.


Filed under: Akame ga Kill!, Anime, Series Tagged: Akame ga Kill!, Anime

Ao Haru Ride Ep. 4: Half-baked sentiments

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Avert your eyes, children! That man has no shirt on! I actually enjoyed this episode, though, because it’s interesting to analyze the characters from a mental standpoint. The scene where Kou stands up in front of the workshop is pretty funny and actually a bit subversive if you think about it. Whether the subversion is intentional or not, it doesn’t really matter. So the kids have this exercise where they’re supposed to get together and answer the following generic question: “What’s the purpose of school events?” Naturally, Futaba’s group is uncooperative, and to compound matters, the girl can’t come up with an answer on her own. As a result, all she ends up writing down on a sheet of paper is “Happy memories!” When her group gets called on to read their response out loud, Kou is forced to come up with something on the spot. The anime, of course, starts playing this upbeat yet contemplative guitar solo as Kou rattles off an equally generic answer to the generic question. As you can probably guess, everyone reacts as if he had just done something amazing: “Incredible! He can recite things he doesn’t even believe so smoothly off the top of his head…”

But the precise reason why Kou can do this is because his answer sucks! No, that’s not quite fair to the kid. I mean, Kou’s smart enough to give the answer he knows everyone wants to hear. But that just shows you how pointless these leadership workshops often are. You’re not really here to come into your own as a leader. You’re not really here to learn a bit about yourself, and thus build on your potential strengths as a leader. You’re just here to have generic leadership rhetoric drilled into you. You’re just here to become the same generic, bullshit leader that they want you to be, i.e. not an individual who can actually inspire with his or her own personal story. Let’s work together! Only certain things can be achieved when we work together! Togetherness is closeness! This way, we can have happy memories and feel warmth in our kokoro! It only seems as though Kou’s answer comes easy to him, because it is a bad answer. If I had assigned that question as a teacher, and gotten Kou’s answer back, I’d be like, “Wow, you put no effort into this!” But then of course, I’d have to blame myself too for asking such a dumb, boring question.

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Case in point, when Kou finds out Futaba has yet to write a single word for her written apology, he simply says, “You haven’t written anything yet. You can just write whatever, you know.” It’s true! He’s totally write. All Futaba really has to do is to jot down some mindless platitudes that the adults want to hear. Sure, a unique answer is nice, but no one’s really looking for a special snowflake to emerge from this workshop. Nevertheless, Futaba thinks Kou is amazing: “You just rattled it off so easily… while I’m struggling so hard…” That’s the thing, though. Despite my cynicism, I can still sympathize with the girl. Futaba is trying to come from her heart. In contrast, nothing Kou has said today really comes from his heart. That’s why it looks so easy for him. Not only that, this is the fundamental disconnect between the two characters. Futaba is clearly young, naive, and earnest to a fault. As a result, she pours her all into everything that she does. She couldn’t answer the bullshit question because she didn’t actually know what her heart wanted to say. She now has trouble writing her apology because, again, she doesn’t know what her heart wants to say. But she can’t just fake it, because — again — she’s young, naive, earnest to a fault.

Kou, on the other hand, has faced trauma head on. He’s actually been through some real hardship. He’s had to see his family break up. My point is that Kou has learned how to put on a brave face even if he’s hurting on the inside. To put it another way, he knows how to project an image that doesn’t necessarily reflect his heart. That’s why he can “rattle it off so easily.” That’s why he can write an apology he doesn’t truly mean. And ultimately, this is all just a microcosm of the relationship struggles between the anime’s two main characters. Kou puts up a front, because he thinks this is the best way to protect both himself and the girl. He probably wants to be with her, but rightfully realizes that he’s not in the right state-of-mind to be in a healthy relationship. He projects a harsh image of himself because it simultaneously keeps the girl at arm’s length and reassures the girl that he’s fine. Sometimes, he falters and cracks show in his facade, but he keeps up for the most part. Futaba, being the wholesomely earnest shoujo that she is, probably subconsciously expects the same earnestness from everyone that she interacts with. She assumes that Kou’s general aloofness reflects his true feelings. The girl is thus confused about his true intentions when his actions don’t always line up with his words.

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Kou eventually says, “Maybe it looks easy for me because I don’t care.” This is just more evidence that he’s putting up a front. This is one of the few moments he lets a bit of his guard down in order to comfort the girl. Despite Kou’s best efforts, it’s painfully obvious that he’s in a bad place. And don’t get me wrong. I’d never advocate anyone becoming a martyr in some misguided attempt to help another person deal with their own mental baggage. He should honestly be seeing a therapist. But if she really wants to be with her first love so badly, then do something. It’s not right for a guy to say he’s half-baked. It’s not right for any person to say, “S-So… I think you’re a lot more respectable than I am.” People aren’t supposed to have this level of self-loathing. The truth is, Futaba is still a bit selfish in the way she keeps dreaming and hoping for the old Kou to return. Obviously, she wants him to be happy, but you can’t just beg for it to happen magically. You either move on and let the guy fix himself, or you actually lend him a hand. Yes, she does think to herself, “I want to know everything that happened to Kou in the three years I didn’t see him.” But until she actually does something, her words have no weight to them. They’re just half-baked.

If it were me, I’d just give the guy space. But that wouldn’t make for a very good shoujo romance, now would it?

Stray observations:

– On the bright side, Kou didn’t have Futaba wait in his room while he showered. Otherwise, we would have had to listen to the girl coo, “So this is what a boy’s room is like…” Like wow, there’s a bed, a desk… and some cabinets…

– Bunch of wacky hijinks at the start of the episode ’cause Futaba can’t seem to get anything right. Just standard shoujo fare.

– Pretty fancy for this school to have a leadership workshop. Oh, it’s not even a workshop on school campus. The kids actually have to pack some clothes, get on a charter bus, and spend a weekend away at some retreat. Lah-di-dah, guys. All this just to become a class representative.

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– For being late, Kou is forced to write a written apology. He naturally bitches about it, so Shuko calls him a brat. Hey, I’ve got no problems with that; I even agree with her. When Kou naturally dishes it back, however, Aya suddenly becomes a white knight: “You shouldn’t talk to girls that way.” I realize he probably likes Shuko, but how pathetic is that? She’s not so dainty that she can’t take a few slings her way.

– Now that Futaba and Yuri are friends, the latter has lost any sort of complexity to her character. All she does now is sit there and spout generic lines of encouragement. “Ganbatte, ne~?” I don’t need her to be all doom and gloom, but she wasn’t even doom and gloom before anyway. She did, however, at least have some depth to her character. Now that she’s just a friend, she’s become simple and thus boring.

– What is wrong with these characters? If you didn’t want the guy to grab your cupcake, then tell him to drop it.

– “…does wanting to know more about him mean that I love him?” Of course not. Then again, the translation probably should have used the word ‘like’ instead of ‘love.’ ‘Love’ is a bit sensational. Anyway, Futaba reacts to the question like a typical naive shoujo, so it”s pretty obvious why he proceeded to be a jerk and push her away. I’m not condoning his behavior, but again, pretty obvious why he’s acting that way

– Oh great, Shuko has a crush on her teacher. I don’t think she’s helping her case by giving herself pigtails:

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I mean, if that look had actually worked, she has bigger problems on her hands. But in all seriousness, it’s pretty obvious why a relationship between a grown man and a teenager like Shuko is problematic. Not only are they at different stages in their personal and emotional development — she’s a fucking child, after all — there’s also the inherent power imbalance built into the age gap. Again, she’s a fucking child. Even though 21-year-olds are considered adults in the eyes of the law, they cam still be immature idiots because brain development continues well into our mid-20s. People always say age differences don’t matter, because so and so’s father is ten years older than so and so’s mother. But these situations don’t unfold in a vacuum. A relationship between a 55-year-old and a 45-year-old is vastly different compared to the potential one between a 25-year-old and a 15-year-old. If we can’t even agree on that, then the discussion is a non-starter.

– Uguu, we’re holding hands~. Anyway, I’m at my shoujo limits, so let’s just call it here.


Filed under: Anime, Ao Haru Ride, Series Tagged: Anime, Ao Haru Ride

Summer 2014 Harem Hill, Week 3: I can’t believe my sword is a loli!

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Let’s kick things off by taking a look at last week’s poll results:

week 2 results

Apparently, people think being stupid is worse than boring. I disagree, but it is what it is. Perhaps the next time Rokujyoma no Shinryakusha!? is painfully boring, I need to do a better job conveying to you guys just how boring it is. With that out of the way, let’s get started on the latest pair of episodes.


Rokujyoma no Shinryakusha!? Ep. 3

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00:00 — Right off the bat, Harumi thinks she’s getting a love confession from the harem lead, but instead, he just really wants her to be his partner in the Interclub Obstacle Course Marathon. Oooooh, that good ol’ switcheroo! You got us, anime! We totally thought he would confess his feelings to someone in the third episode of the season.

3:14 — A bunch of girls force Yurika to cosplay. She looks perturbed. She whines. What else is new?

4:19 — Kiriha’s amazingly well-rendered breasts fill our screen:

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She’s managed to convince the people in this universe that she belongs on the track team. Meanwhile, the audience is still comatose.

4:55 — Theiamillis has managed to find herself some loyal followers. They begin to chant “Hail to the princess!” in unison. LOL, so randomz! Elsewhere, scientists have stumbled upon a strange phenomenon known as a humor black hole. A peculiar anime episode seems to be draining this world completely dry of laughter…

6:00 — Kiriha’s battle drones are caught spying on Theiamillis. The alien sics her intergalactic spaceship on the battle drones. The most inconsequential battle ever is then caught on tape.

6:55 — Theiamillis learns of Harumi’s existence. The tsuntsun alien is now jealous.

9:00 — After much fanfare, the race finally begins.

10:18 — Our harem lead runs into his first “obstacle:”

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No doubt viewers are just busting their guts at the irony of math being included in a marathon. Harem fans, can you help the hero answer this difficult question?

11:03 — The fourth obstacle is a red bean paste bun speeding eating contest. That’s a lot of carbs and fiber to consume in the middle of a race. Obviously, the anime isn’t content to have its characters merely shit themselves figuratively.

12:17 — Harumi shows Yurika some compassion. The scene lasts entirely way too long. Millions across the world have now flat-lined.

15:10 — Theiamillis has her servant litter the 8th obstacle with landmines. Her plan backfires when people push her and her servant out of the way.

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Despite this, no comedy gold can be seen for miles.

16:17 — Harumi and her weak constitution finally bite the dust. Yurika turns into a mahou shoujo to help her new friend out. Yet another scene that involves Yurika takes too long to resolve itself.

18:34 — Koutarou passes out just one obstacle course away from the finish line. Oh, the irony…

18:54 — The final obstacle course requires Kiriha and Theiamillis to swap bras. Boob jokes. Real funny. Top notch anime. In the end, the two girls punch each other out.

20:00 — Yurika just needs a friend to finish the race. Since she helped Harumi out, Harumi helps her win. As a result, it’s a tie between Yurika and Harumi, the two girls everyone had counted out. All hail Rokujyoma no Shinryakusha!?, the master of irony.

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22:00 — The credits finally roll. You guys can stop playing dead now. The horror show is over.


Seirei Tsukai no Blade Dance Ep. 3

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– As you’ll recall, a demon spirit has decided to crash the party and interrupt the exciting duel between Kamito and his haremettes. So instead of fighting each other, everyone’s now busy trying to play the hero. I’ll provide the cover for you guys! No, I will. No, me!

– In the end, Claire is still stupidly desperate to contract a powerful spirit. As a result, she thinks she can tame the demon spirit. Luckily for her, this isn’t a hentai.

– Did the girl shrink or was she always this short? Ah well, it doesn’t matter.

– The anime thrills us with still images slathered in action lines. We’re halfway through 2014, and we still can’t even be assed to animate a simple action scene between a heroine and a demon spirit.

– No, really, this animation is truly top-notch:

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“Are you daft?” Yes, I even look it, too.

– Why is Kamito even putting himself in danger for Claire’s sake? “I’m her contracted spirit.” God dammit, Zero no Tsukaima, I thought I told you to scram!

– “I have to save that fire-cat tomboy.” Tomboy? What is remotely tomboy-ish about Claire? Because she isn’t automatically a submissive girl from the very start?

– “She’s your average spoiled girl.” Geez, dude, why don’t you tell us some more about how awesome she is.

– Naturally, now that one of his haremettes is in grave danger, Kamito finally manages to summon his sword at full length…

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…wait, what?

“Remember. Remember that feeling. I’m… I’m the most powerful blade dancer, Ren Ashbell!”

So he’s the Ren Ashbell, the previous Blade Dance winner whose performance had inspired many of his current harmettes, including Claire herself? What? Did he cross-dress back then in order to win the tournament or something?

– In any case, the harem lead cleaves the demon spirit in one move. All’s well that ends well, I guess. Wait, what about the fire-cat?

– For some reason, it conveniently starts raining in the spirit realm.

– Afterwards, Kamito passes out from exhaustion. He then dreams of the dark times in his youth — y’know, when he was being raised to be a killer. This was also the same time he met his previous contracted spirit:

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Ooooh, how dark and scary. Anyway, that’s Restia, the girl he’s been looking for this entire time. He just doesn’t realize she’s been observing him this entire time. For some reason, she’s interested in his “awakening.” From what? Who knows. I’m sure the anime will fill us in later when we no longer care.

– Y’know, this story’s getting too serious for my blood. Where’s all the fun and light-hearted harem hijinks?!

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Oooh, what’s this?

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Why, it’s just a naked loli, of course!

– Basically, the harem lead’s “sword” is a pettanko. What do you even say to that?

– “Why are you in my bed?” “That is because I am yours, goshujin-sama.” Abandon all hope, anime fans.

– The kicker, however, is that despite Est being a sword-turned-loli, she’s not completely naked. Nope, nope, she still has kneesocks on for that extra moe factor.

– Well, you know a harem anime can never waste a good naked loli gag. As a result, Est continues to hide under the covers as Rinslet pays the harem lead a visit. Ooh, how scandalous! Talking to one of his haremettes as another haremette is trying to bury her head in his crotch.

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– You see, this is a very complex joke. Kamito’s demon sword has turned into a hot, sexy loli. The hot, sexy loli, however, is now being mistaken for Kamito’s boner, i.e. his “sword.” We’ve thus come full circle. When everyone eventually discovers Est under the sheets, however, they’ll assume that she’s polishing Kamito’s “sword.”

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You can thus say that a sword has engaged another ‘sword” in an epic swordfight! Wow! This joke works on multiple levels! That’s just the sort of genius you can expect from Seirei Tsukai no Blade Dance.

– Elsewhere, a depressed Claire is determined to get herself another contracted spirit, even if it means throwing herself recklessly into dangerous situations. I can’t imagine the fire-cat is actually dead for good, though. In a fairer world, Scarlet would revive itself as a catboy devoted to Claire’s every need, but this is a harem anime. As a result, Scarlet will probably come back as a catgirl or some shit.

– It turns out Est has the ability to form clothes when she takes a humanoid form. She just wanted to be naked for the harem lead: “I thought you’d be happier seeing me that way.”

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– I like how the demon sword can not only fall in love, it’s a girl, it’s hetero, and it likes the harem lead right from the get-go. Est even turned down 30 elementalers before allowing Kamito to claim her for himself. Why? Justlolithings... Back in my day, you had to put in the hard work just to win a single girl over. Nowadays, harem endings are handed to kids on a silver platter! Young people nowadays just don’t know what it was like to walk 15 miles uphill both ways just to trigger an event flag!

– I also like how even though the demon sword appears as a flat-chested loli, it’s really a 1,000-year-old spirit. It has an old soul, you guys.

– Well, you know the drill… tsunderekkos just gotta tsuntsun:

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After he explains himself, she immediately goes deredere:

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Oh Fahrenfart, just give it up. You’re not even close to winning this competition.

– Hearing what Claire intends to do, Kamito runs off to rescue her once again. It appears, however, that he’s too late:

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Some hooded figure — probably Restia — approaches the foolish girl. I like how anime characters will just believe any goddamn thing a complete stranger tells them. Oh, you say that if I accept this this foreboding ball of dark energy, it will unlock my true potential? Well, don’t mind if I do! In any case, that about wraps it up for us.


After two weeks, Seirei Tsukai no Blade Dance has secured itself a 2-0 record. Can Rokujyoma no Shinryakusha!? mount a comeback? Or will Seirei Tsukai no Blade Dance dance its way to victory? Stay tuned as I try to apply generic sports cliches to this silly competition for the Crown of Shit Harem. Oh yeah, vote away, please:


Filed under: Anime, Harem Hill, Rokujyoma no Shinryakusha!?, Series Tagged: Anime, harem hill, Rokujyoma no Shinryakusha!?, Seirei Tsukai no Blade Dance

M3 – Sono Kuroki Hagane Ep. 15: Lose one girl, gain another girl

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Are you ready, kids?
Aye, aye, E Minor!
I can’t hear you!
Aye, aye, E Minor!
Ohh…
What’s the worst pain a man can feel!
NE-TO-RA-RE!
What will make his heart turn to steel?
NE-TO-RA-RE!
If making him blubber is your wish
NE-TO-RA-RE!
Then take the girl and kiss her like this!
NE-TO-RA-RE!

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Yeah, I had a feeling this would be the case. What’s the greatest tragedy here? That Sasame “dies?” That she becomes a LIM module? No, what’s most tragic is that some other guy gets her! But this isn’t even the first time Okada dipped her pen into this well of pure originality. First, Heito stole Emiru, but it was okay; Akashi didn’t really want her anyway. But now, he did want Sasame! And he still lost her.

– The title of the episode is “Vacant Heart of Morning Gray.” Like really?

– With two girls down, now what? Who’s left for poor ol’ Akashi? Well, there’s still that Sasame-lookalike from the Lightless Ream–… y’know, the one we’ve repeatedly seen riding the Corpse? Well, somehow, she’s now taking care of our hero:

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Not only that, she can only communicate with him telepathically. Shrug, don’t look at me. You think I know what’s going on? I just watch this shit and react.

– “Your emotional wounds are far more greater than your physical wounds.” C’mon, that’s just tacky writing.

– “That’s right. This wench was with the Corpse.” Dude, really? Wench? Maybe that’s why people keep stealing your women away.

– Apparently, Akashi has been so traumatized by all the netorare that he can no longer speak. His heart has turned to steel: “If you can let me into your heart, your voice should return.” But really, it’s kind of sad what this series has become. The primary focus this entire time has been Akashi’s half-baked love life. Investigate the Lightless Realm? Puh-leeze. More like Days of Akashi’s Life. As Akashi’s Heart Turns. All Akashi’s Girls. The Young and the Netorare.

– Elsewhere, Iwato whines that his and Raika’s thoughts are not really connected, because if they were, she’d know how he truly feels. See? It’s a fucking sappy soap opera. Okada made us think we’d be watching a show about some bizarre Lightless Realm. She even made us think there’d be mecha action and shit. But bam, nothing but episodes after episodes of the characters whining about love and their feelings. Even Heito’s main goal was to find love albeit in his own twisted way.

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– And don’t get me wrong; I can appreciate a good romance. This just isn’t it. Okada’s using the romance to emotionally torture her characters. Yeah, sometimes love hurts, but we’re not really seeing both the positives and the negatives in any of these romances. It’s just one relentless assault on the characters’ feelings — mostly Akashi’s feelings — one after the other.

– Speaking of Heito, he’s now 40% Necrometal, if anyone cares. I doubt anyone does.

– At one point, even Suzaki gets fed up with these characters, especially Kasane. Suzaki tells Kasane that they have got to focus on the true enemy, a.k.a. the Lightless Ream, but seeing as how this is just the fifteenth episode of a 2-cour series… hah, good luck with that.

– So this Arbornine thing will protect you from the Lightless Realm… but here, have some metal birds that can still somehow fly. The Sasame-lookalike is trying to tell Akashi all these important things, but something she says manages to trigger him. As a result, he starts emotionally falling apart again. Great. Not only that, he wants to get rid of the Arbornine charm she had given him. It’s just stupid. No, really, it’s just stupid. Like I don’t even know what he’s whining about. Uguu, I wanted to be the one to protect you, Sasame! So let me rip off the one thing that’s protecting me!

– As you might’ve guessed, the Necrometal birds are now attacking the shit out of Akashi because he’s no longer under the protection of the Arbonine charm. I dunno, though… it sure looks to me like he’s having the time of his life:

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– Man, what’s up with his legs?

– So Akashi gets up and starts beating the crap out of the birds with a metal crowbar. He’s had enough, you guys… Thanks to this incident, however, he can finally speak again. That was hilariously fast.

– Now it’s raining in the Lightless Realm. I’m surprised it’s not metal rain.

– So what do the characters do? Try and figure out what’s going on? Try and see if they can grow more of this Arbornine shit to prevent the Lightless Ream from spreading? Try and just escape the Lightless Realm to begin with? Naw, let’s ride the merry-go-round!

– It’s like Akashi’s mentally become a child. Duh… I saved you? I saved you! YAY ME!

– Naturally, this calls for a lame flashback where he had once protected Sasame from the rain when they were children.

– For some reason, the Sasame-lookalike tries to playfully run off even though Akashi is injured. So when he chases after her, they both trip and fall:

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Go on, try falling on your back ten times and see if your arms will ever naturally be the way the girl has them.

– Eventually, the Sasame-lookalike takes him to see some neophyte version of the Corpse. It’s even writhing like a baby in pain. The girl then asks him to apologize to the Corpse, because it’s frightened and scared of him.

– For a brief second, Akashi thinks that Sasame hasn’t become a LIM because she’s right here in front of him. After yet another flashback from his childhood, however, he flip-flops again. In fact, this spirit is a childhood friend they’ve all forgotten somehow.

– And her name is Tsugumi. Despite that, she and Sasame have the same voice actress so… twins? More importantly, why did they forget her in the first place? And what has she been doing here in the Lightless Realm this entire time? Was she the one kid that was never rescued back then? And somehow, she’s been harboring her love for the main character? Sounds like a creepy stalker if you ask me.

– Unfortunately, Minashi and Mahmu crash the party with their mechas, so we won’t get an answers just yet.

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– Not that I’m complaining, but it’s nice to see Tsugumi’s previously-torn nightgown has magically sewn itself back to perfect condition.

– Anyway, it turns out they haven’t all forgotten her. Minashi has no problems recognizing Tsugumi, and there appears to be some bad blood between them. Whatever this means, we’ll just have to wait and see. But meh, it’s still the same ol’ M3 as always.


Filed under: Anime, M3 - Sono Kuroki Hagane, Series Tagged: Anime, M3 - Sono Kuroki Hagane

Everything Else, Summer ’14, Week 4: All dolled up

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Everything Else Week 4

This week, I add tier names to my rankings. Exciting!


The “I Tried But Couldn’t Really Watch It” Tier

Incomplete: DRAMAtical Murder

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I just don’t think I’m interested enough to try and make heads or tails of the plot. I’ve tried (not really), but every episode I “watch” just flies by without me absorbing a damn thing. There are just too many characters, and the plot constantly jumps around. Something about a game called Rhyme, a gang completely disappearing, the bad guy building jails on this island, the main character’s grandmother not cooperating so she gets kidnapped, people constantly butting their heads into the main character’s life and either challenging him to a fight or knocking him out… It’s not that the story’s complicated, but it’s a domino effect. When you don’t pay enough attention to events x, y, and z, you’re not going to comprehend events p, q, and r when they occur later on. Then when the credits finally roll, I’m like, “Wait, what did I just watch?” The ideal solution is to go back and rewatch some of the earlier episode, but I’m too lazy to do that. I’ll probably call it quits after next week. On the bright side, I guess the animation wasn’t a dumpster fire like it was last week.

The “I Only Watch It to Mock It” Tier

20. Rokujyoma no Shinryakusha!?

Still the most boring thing I have had to watch this season.

19. Seirei Tsukai no Blade Dance

Despite being a carbon copy of a billion other shows, it’s still much less boring than Rokujyoma no Shinryakusha!?

18. Mahouka Koukou no Rettousei

Still somehow more boring than…

17. Sword Art Online II

…shopping at the mall with your bae.

16. Akame ga Kill!

About as lame as the average shounen, but with more blood. So basically, still lame as fuck.

15. Captain Earth

Laughably formulaic.

14. Rail Wars!

This show has managed to somehow make breasts seem monotonous.

13. M3 – Sono Kuroki Hagane

Every week, people complain about this anime’s position on my rankings. Of course the anime still sucks. I just think its badness is easier to watch than everything beneath it.

The “Cure for Insomnia” Tier

12. Free! Eternal Summer

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Well, at least there’s actually something to chew on in this week’s episode. Hey, I’m not saying I love the anime or anything. It’s just nice to watch something that goes beyond “Uguu, we need to recruit more members to our club!” and “Let me show you my passion for swimming!” So what’s the deal this week? Nagisa has run away from home, because his parents are pressuring him to quit the swim club. Why? ‘Cause he’s Asian, and if you suck at your studies, then you don’t get to have any fun. And even if you don’t suck at your studies, you still don’t get to have any fun. So the boys spend the majority of the episode trying to help Nagisa deal with that. Of course, Free! is still happy-go-lucky land, so as long as Nagisa promises to “Ganbatte!” it up, his parents relent and let him stay in the swim club. I’d love to see how that would work in the real world. Oh well.

11. Glasslip

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Holy shit, this is so dumb. Touko mistakes Yuki for Kakeru once — once! — and the guy flips his fucking lid:

“I can’t. I can’t be in a room alone with you. Touko, are you thinking about that Kakeru guy?”

Are you? Are you?! Dude, she doesn’t fucking like you. Who cares who she likes. All that matters is that she doesn’t like you. The problem with people like Yuki is that they’ll never get over the objects of their affection unless they are forced to go no contact. Naturally, Yuki’s not going to go no contact for his own sake. Sadly, however, Touko’s probably too nice to do it herself. I’m not a shipper. Really, I don’t normally give a fuck who gets with who. But y’know what? I will actively hope that Touko and Kakeru get together just to watch Yuki cry. ‘Cause hey, nothing else ever happens in this god forsaken anime, so we may as well do what we can to have some entertainment.

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But drama upon drama, Yana runs into Kakeru, and she’s already said before that she thinks he’s hot! Will the brocon girl have a change of heart and fall in love with the brooding David? And look who should run into the two of them!

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Why would Touko even care, though? She barely knows Kakeru, and she’s not dumb enough to think Yana has fallen out of love with her brother already, does she? Well, with these anime characters, nothing is safe. In any case, stay tuned for more of P.A. Works scintillating deconstruction of teenage love!

10. Bakumatsu Rock

Sensei finally gets his Peace Soul. Pop music turns people into zombies, but rock saves them. Then our heroes become… meteors?

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Yeah, meteors. This anime is like a basketball game, i.e. you only need to watch the last five minutes to entertain yourself.

9. Shirogane no Ishi Argevollen

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Maintain the status quo. That’s basically this week’s grand ol’ message. Tokimune’s peers are mad at him for putting the entire battalion at risk in last week’s episode, but it doesn’t really matter. Why? Because Ukyou isn’t going to punish the main character anyway: “I’ll never tell you to destroy your feelings.” Can you honestly ever expect a commanding officer in the army to say anything like that to one of his soldiers? Whatever. Point is, Tokimune officially gets to pilot the Argevollen from now on. Pfft, like he was going to lose the special mecha to begin with… We then see a representative from Jamie’s corporation come all the way out here just to tell her to stick with the mecha and stay attached to Tokimune’s unit. Status quo! So what did we learn this week? That nothing has changed. And oh yeah, I guess Tokimune became a soldier in order to avenge his sister. And that’s it. One piece of character development in 23 minutes of pure Shirogane no Ishi Argevollen goodness. No wonder this is going to be a 2-cour series. At this rate, we’re not going to get anywhere.

The “Destined to Be Forgotten” Tier

8. Persona 4 – The Golden Animation

Anyone else just drone out Marie’s poems at the start of each week’s episode? I figure if she’s so embarrassed by them, I’ll just do her one better and not listen to a single word she’s written.

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Anyway, it’s the pointless beach episode. I’m not saying it’s boring, but it sure as hell is pointless. Sure, I like the characters and their personalities, but not enough to watch back-to-back episodes where nothing fucking happens. What can I say? P4: The Golden has been incredibly disappointing. If I wanted to gawk at anime babes in swimsuits, I could take a look at just about every other anime out there. I tune into P4: The Golden, because I’m hoping to get the whole package. Yes, even it is just a 1-cour series, I want more than this. I want more than “Let’s hang out with senpai~~~” every single week. Bah. I should’ve known A-1 Pictures would let me down. Time to just sit tight and wait for Persona 5. Atlus has officially sucked Persona 4 dry of its charm with the countless spin-offs and remakes.

7. Re:_Hamatora

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The anime tries to develop Honey and Three’s backstories, and to the show’s credit, the plot is a lot more focused in its second go-around. Still, anything that doesn’t involve Nice and Art just isn’t that interesting or original. Honey and Three’s backstories are, for instance, just exactly what you might have expected them to be. Neglected by her father, Honey looked to Three to become her father figure. Having failed to protect his orphanage — yes, orphans are involved — Honey gave Three another chance to prove himself. It’s all very run-of-the-mill. Anyway, more and more Minimum Holders are experiencing side-effects shortly after using their powers. This is sort of intriguing, I guess, so at least there’s that.

6. Tokyo ESP

The least offensive boring anime on this list.

5. Ao Haru Ride

Like I wrote in the post that I’m sure only shoujo fans have read, I thought this week’s episode was okay.

4. Gekkan Shoujo Nozaki-kun

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The anime’s nothing special, but it consistently amuses me from week to week.

The “Shows I’d Still Watch Even If I Wasn’t Blogging” Tier

3. Aldnoah.Zero

The anime has the best action of the season week in and week out, but the rest of the cast needs to step it up for it to ever take the top spot.

2. Tokyo Ghoul

Deceptively smart.

1. Terror in Resonance

My only criticisms for the show are nitpicks.


Filed under: Anime, Bakumatsu Rock, DRAMAtical Murder, Free!, Gekkan Shoujo Nozaki-kun, Glasslip, Hamatora, Persona 4, Series, Shirogane no Ishi: Argevollen Tagged: Anime, Bakumatsu Rock, DRAMAtical Murder, Free! Eternal Summer, Gekkan Shoujo Nozaki-kun, Glasslip, Persona 4: The Golden Animation, Re:_Hamatora, Shirogane no Ishi: Argevollen

Tokyo Ghoul Ep. 5: Blood sacrifices

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Shu’s dinner plans are pretty devilish. He intends to eat Ken as Ken is eating a human victim. Leave it to the dandy to make a show out of eating. If he had been a true mastermind, however, he would’ve spent more time observing Ken. Had he done so, he would’ve then realized that Kimi, the intended human victim, means nothing to our hero. You know who would’ve made a better choice? Hideyoshi totally would’ve made a better victim. I mean, just imagine being forced to eat your best friend just before someone eats you. Now that’s something Hannibal would’ve done. Needless to say, Shu still has a lot to learn. Despite this, however, Ken and Shu confront Shu by themselves. I never understand it when the good guys fail to call for backup. Yes, they want to rescue Kimi as soon as possible, but c’mon, Ken’s not a dummy. Surely, he doesn’t think an inexperienced ghoul like himself and a weakened ghoul in Nishiki can hope to challenge Shu all by themselves. Why not ask for help? How hard could it have been? How much time could this have taken? People have cell phones. Call them. Or text them. Do something smart, at least.

It’s interesting that Ken would call Shu perverted. Twisted? Yeah. Evil? Sure. Hentai? Hmm… I have it engrained in my mind that anything perverted necessarily has to do with sex. So let’s consider how one might find Shu perverted. I guess you could argue that there’s something carnal about the whole thing. Not only does Shu want to consume Ken’s flesh, he wants to corrupt our hero as well; he wants to besmirch the guy’s innocence. After all, Ken has yet to kill anyone. More importantly, he has yet to enjoy what most ghouls enjoy: “The ultimate meal requires… third-party intervention… in a maestoso location… with Kaneki reaching a crescendo.” Y’know, an orgasm is like a crescendo. But what sort of crescendo does Shu want Ken to reach? A crescendo of pleasure? Or perhaps a crescendo of pain? Maybe even both. Just the mere thought of what’s to come, however, makes Shu fall to his knees and roll his eyes backwards. Not only that, he screams out, “Fortissimo!” He then moans Ken’s name:

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To continue with this line of thought, Shu claims he just can’t help himself: “Kaneki, you’re the one who’s making me do this, so you bear responsibility. You’d better realize how delicious you really are.” It’s akin to what a rapist or sex abuser might say to his or her victim. You asked for it, you tempted me, you could have prevented this, so and so forth. Shu isn’t just hungry for flesh. After all, someone that rich and powerful should hardly have any trouble feeding himself. Rather, our current villain is all about decadence. He doesn’t just want to eat. He wants the act of eating itself to be dirty. There has to be something morally corrupt about the meal. Even just merely eating Ken isn’t enough. He wants Ken to debase himself; it’s like an impromptu master-slave relationship, though slave isn’t going to stick around for very long. But most of all, Shu takes no responsibility. Instead, the onus is all on the hero. Maybe Ken should’ve covered himself from head to toe in pink butcher paper, that dirty succubus.

I just wish the show wasn’t so… shounen-y is the best way I can put it. I don’t mind Touka showing up out of nowhere to save Ken’s hide. I do mind it, however, that she felt the need to make a smart-ass remark. Basically, as Shu is punching and kicking our poor, inexperienced Ken, he also asks the our hero what sort of attack should come next. As a result, Touka shows up and goes, “How about this one?” It’s not even clever. It’s not even badass. It’s just groanworthy. I like it better when fights aren’t so goddamn wordy. I prefer it when the combatants allow their actions do the talking. I’m not just talking about the thrown punches. I’m talking about the characters’ facial expressions as well. You can read so much into a person’s face when they’re in fight-or-flight situation. Unfortunately, shounen battles distract from that because anime characters will feel compelled to constantly yap, yap, yap. No thanks, man. Whatever happened to just a heart-pumping soundtrack to accompany a fight scene? Could you imagine it if the bad guy had constantly taunted Bruce Lee as Bruce Lee was punching out all those mirrors?

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Then in the middle of a tense battle, the anime decides to slam on the breaks and force us to watch Nishiki’s tragic backstory. I don’t even have a problem with Nishiki’s backstory. It’s pretty standard and unoriginal, but there’s nothing particularly offensive about it. I just don’t understand its placement within the narrative. Why am I watching it now? I was eager to see what would happen next with Ken, Touka, and Shu, but the anime proceeded to suck all the anticipation out of the room so I can watch Nishiki sob over his dead sister’s body. Not only that, there isn’t even any buildup to this extended flashback. A few episodes ago, Nishiki was a murderous asshole who almost killed Ken and his best friend. We don’t see him for a couple of weeks, then bam! Now I’m supposed to feel sympathy for him? Yes, his backstory explains why he no longer trusts anyone but his girlfriend (she offered up her flesh to him after Ken had dealt him a major injury), but I think Tokyo Ghoul would’ve been better served to show this flashback before or after the battle, not during it. Again, I don’t think Nishiki’s story is necessarily bad. I just don’t like its placement.

In the end, Ken gives up his body to Touka just like how Kimi had given up her body to Nishiki. When Kimi made her sacrifice, it allowed Nishiki to start trusting others again, i.e. regain a little a bit of his humanity. Touka hardly needs the same thing, but even so, Ken’s sacrifice is hardly a coincidence. If this isn’t a hint that their relationship will deepen, I don’t know what it is. I guess even ghouls need romance in their lives. Oh well. Shoehorned-in romances don’t typically bother me as much as it seems to bother others. And who knows? Maybe the relationship between Ken and Touka might even be interesting (I doubt it). Besides, unless Tokyo Ghoul gets a sequel, I doubt we’ll ever see them get all lovey-dovey with each other anyway. In any case, consuming Ken’s flesh allows our heroine to realize her true potential. Unfortunately, the episode ends here. Still, I think it’s a forgone conclusion that Shu will lose this battle. Hell, he’ll probably lose his life too. The big question, however, is whether or not Kimi’s life will be spared. After all, Touka wouldn’t hesitate to kill Hideyoshi. So why would she hesitate to kill Kimi?

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We’ll certainly find out next week…

Stray observations:

– Touka is determined to eat her best friend’s food, but uh… couldn’t she just donate it to the homeless or something? I know she doesn’t want to reject her friend’s feelings, but c’mon, this is silly. You’re not hurting anyone if you give the food away to the needy.

– Touka’s a high school student, but somehow, Ken still looks and sounds as though he’s younger than her.

– Oddly enough, Nishiki has a human girlfriend. Not only that, she knows that he’s a ghoul. She must really trust him. I don’t know if I could ever befriend someone who’s primary form of sustenance is, well, my species. What’s worse, however, is that she turns a blind eye to his murders. Sure, most of us are willing to turn a blind eye to our lovers’ flaws, but murder? We’re talking about murder, man. She says, “He needs the corpses, after all.” I have to wonder, then, if she knows that ghouls don’t actually have to kill people in order to survive. Nishiki could always reform and learn the ways of Anteiku. In fact, I find Ken’s placid reaction a bit weird. Maybe he doesn’t feel like butting into Nishiki’s affairs, but I would. If you could prevent further bloodshed, wouldn’t you at least try?

– According to Shu, Touka used to be stronger than she is now. I wonder what he’s referring to. Furthermore, what’s the full extent of their relationship anyway?

– Still not a fan of these moments:

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What am I supposed to see here that normal animation would’ve failed to convey?


Filed under: Anime, Series, Tokyo Ghoul Tagged: Anime, Tokyo Ghoul

Rail Wars! Ep. 5: Pantless with Aoi

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Look out! Massive mammaries ahead!

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Oh god…

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…the humanity! I mean, can’t a guy play with his toy trains without boobs always getting in the way?! Geez, what has this world come to!

– So after the credits, Naoto finds himself training hard with Aoi–…

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…well, at the moment, the training session is a bit one-sided, especially when they start practicing with paintball guns.

– Aoi shows Naoto no mercy whatsoever, because according to her, mercy is wasted on criminals. I guess “innocent until proven guilty” doesn’t mean much in her book. Plus, this duel between her and Naoto isn’t really fair. She accuses him of looking up her skirt, but then again, she has the upper ground and, well, she’s wearing a skirt. What is he supposed to do? Oh right, just shoot with your eyes closed. That’s a good habit to learn. Let’s see how that works out for him:

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Bam, right in the kisser. At least the paint isn’t red. We wouldn’t want anyone to get the wrong idea. Plus, whoever wrote this have probably never played with paintball guns before. Otherwise, these characters would be wearing more than just goggles to protect themselves. Those paintballs won’t kill you, but they do sting. Needless to say, it’s no fun getting hit in the crotch with a paintball.

– Afterwards, Aoi chats with Nana in the girl’s changing room. Even though last week’s episode had no qualms about shoving fanservice down our throats, Rail Wars! seems a bit gunshy this week. I bet if you buy the blu-rays, you’d be able to see what Nana is talking about. In fact, I’m quite curious to hear how this anime would do.

– Really, you need a band-aid for a welt?

– So what’s the story this week? Well, remember the bomber back in week two? He apparently has an accomplice. But even though it isn’t Aoi’s job to arrest this new suspect, she chases after the him anyway. In doing so, she drags Naoto along with her. As a result, they have all sorts of wonderful adventures. Like falling on each other when the train stops abruptly:

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Then literally falling on each other again just mere seconds later:

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In fact, that was so much fun, let’s fall on each other one more time for good measure:

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And look, the suspect is even getting away!

– You also can’t forget the many different times Aoi would stare at Naoto and blush.

Or the many times he sneaks a peek at her crotch. Classy guy, this Naoto…

– Eventually, Aoi runs off by herself because she’s just dead set on arresting the guy. It conveniently starts to rain just so we can see through her white shirt, ’cause that’s relevant to the topic at hand. But even though she constantly insults him, every tsuntsun girl is deredere on the inside:

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That baka should’ve just known what she wanted him to do!

– And even though Aoi totally thinks that Naoto is a spineless, gutless wimp… “Uguu, I hope he finds me.” But worry not, my wet maiden! For I, Takayama-kun, is here!

– As a reward, she spends the night with him pantless.

– Somehow, Aoi spots the suspect again, so the chase is on again. Unfortunately for her and Naoto, however, the guy drops a bomb onto the tracks and blows it up. Aoi still wants to personally arrest the guy, but Naoto convinces her that they have a bigger issue to worry about. If they don’t warn a train to stop in time, there’s going to be a major accident! As such, Aoi must now take her with her revolver, and cut one of these wires, because doing so will trigger an alarm that normally warns train conductors of landslides and rockfalls.

– Aoi is normally a crackshot, but she cut her arm in the explosion, y’see, so now her arms are shaking uncontrollably. Gosh, if only a brave shounen would act as her support…

This is so stupid. But this is even stupider. What truly takes the cake, however, is how the two of them proceed to stand there and watch the train come mere meters away from killing them:

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Nah, don’t even try to move. I mean, why move when Naoto gets to feel up the girl’s ass?

– In the end, Aoi learns a valuable lesson: her job sucks. No, really, it does. Another team ends up arresting the suspect, and Nana re-iterates that the customers’ safety is the number one priority! If Aoi wants excitement in her life so badly, why didn’t she follow her father’s footsteps and become a cop? Or even better, why not transfer into a team that does get to arrest bad guys?

– In fact, the anime’s called Rail Wars!, but I have yet to see a single war. I thought the story was going to be about extremists trying to privatize the railway!

– But the number one most perplexing thing about Rail Wars! is…

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…whether or not this guy will get more than a single line of dialogue per episode ever again? Stay tuned…


Filed under: Anime, Rail Wars!, Series Tagged: Anime, Rail Wars!

Tokyo ESP Ep. 4: Cobbling a family together

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Something, something, Aristocrats joke.

– Even if I had the ability to phase through bullets, I’d still be pretty nervous to see people shoot at me. Plus, Rinka’s pretty new to her powers. I’m surprised she can stay so collected.

– Then of course, after the bad guys take aim at Rinka together, they allow each other to get beaten up by the schoolgirl one-by-one. The little things like these may seem like nitpicking to you, but in my mind, they add up. And at the end of the day, I can’t shake the impression that the anime is just mediocre. It’s not bad like Rail Wars! bad. It’s just very whatever. The lack of care devoted to the minor details contributes to that.

– Glasses always break so easily in fiction. In reality, lenses are some pretty durable shit nowadays.

– So the penguin goes berserk and summons a tsundere shark. Okay then. The tsundere shark has the ability to pluck your glowing fish out of you, thereby rendering you powerless. In any case, it seems rather convenient for Peggi to suddenly display this power.

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– Yet another character shows up to prevent Kobushi from absconding with “[the] rock that houses glowing fish.” Lots and lots of characters in this show.

– I like how there are loud explosions in the middle of the night, but these fights never seem to attract anyone’s attention.

– Rinka’s father saves Kobushi from the new guy, but then the girl, uh, falls in love with him. I’m not sure a mother could love that face. I’ll groan if it turns out she just desperate for a father figure in her life ’cause she never knew her dad.

– So the cosplay samurai reveals herself to be Minami, and she tells Kyotaro to throw away his “cheap justice” and join her side. Then this giant ogre-like being shows up, shoots waves of magical snakes at our heroes, which then allows the bad guys to steal back the all-important rock. Minami tells Kyotaro that she’s out to change the world. It seems to me that stories involving the evolution of mankind will almost always unfold in the same exact way: the “mutants” will try to fuck the rest of us over. I say “mutants” because it’s just easier that way; I’m obviously comparing these individuals with special powers to the X-Men. EIther way, I think it’s obvious what the bad guys are trying to do.

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Minami and her compatriots are going around, giving people special powers to see if they are worthy of her cause. Then in the end, her cause will take the world away from the rest of us lameass, normal folks. Sure, there are slight variations from narrative to narrative. In Hamatora, Moral wanted everyone to have super powers. Still, it’s always a “‘mutants’ vs. humanity” deal, which is then followed by the “we ‘mutants’ are the rightful rulers of this planet” sentiment. I honestly would love to see a story — any story — involving ‘mutants’ or individuals with special powers that doesn’t involve them taking over the world. After all, isn’t this kind of misanthropic to assume that if you give people special powers, a good percentage of them will use it to take over the world? Call me naive if you want, but I think bad guys make up only a small percentage of our population. Sure, I’m not denying the fact that certain people out there would use their superpowers for their own personal gain, but it’s just silly how every single time ‘mutants’ show up, society literally falls apart (see: Shinsekai Yori).

– After his encounter with Minami, Kyotaro tries to avoid his friend, but Rinka eventually locates him. Still, Minami must have meant a lot to him then for the guy to react this way. Childhood friend?

– More tragic backstory for Kyotaro. Actually, none of the young characters in this story seem to have had a normal upbringing.

– Ah, Minami’s family had adopted Kyotaro after he lost his parents. So this bizarre sibling-slash-childhood-friend thing that anime loves to do. Anyway, kinda funny how the entire family — including the adoptee — now has superpowers. The family that stages a bloody takeover of the Diet together, stays together. Too bad the ungrateful adoptee won’t join them in their cause.

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– Oh lord, it turns out Rinka had saved Kyotaro’s hide half a year ago. She just doesn’t remember him, but he certainly kept her in his thoughts this entire time. This would explain why the guy was practically stalking her. If I were in Rinka’s shoes, I’d be a bit put-off, but judging from the way she keeps blushing around him, I suspect his childlike enthusiasm for justice has already won her heart.

– Murasaki has special powers now too: psychometry. Basically, she can see the history of anything she touches. Imagine seeing an animal get butchered every time you pick up a piece of meat to eat, though. Yeah, yeah, she’ll have to learn how to control her powers. In any case, Murasaki’s more assertive nowadays, so… good for her? Whoops, that assertiveness leads her to run away from home to stay with Rinka and her dad. Man, how can they afford this?

– Yep, Kobushi never knew her father. Hell, she didn’t know her mother either. And yes, this is why she’s become infatuated with Rinka’s father. Yeesh.

– The rest of the episode is kind of boring as Murasaki gets settled in with her new “family.” Kind of a disappointing way to end this arc, actually. All’s well that ends well, I guess.


Filed under: Anime, Series, Tokyo ESP Tagged: Anime, Tokyo ESP

Sword Art Online II Ep. 5: Kirito, meet Death Gun

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Doesn’t Kirito just look dashing with his new haremette? And with that, we are back with yet another awesome installment of SAO.

– Wow, five minutes left till registrations for Bullet of Bullets are closed! Man, imagine if you could send in your application… oh, I don’t know… electronically? Unfortunately, this is a fantasy MMO, so to avoid ruining the show’s immersion–… wait a minute…

– Kirito is only here to catch the bad guy. I repeat, he is only here to catch the bad guy. As such, he doesn’t need to enter in his real name and address. Sure, he’ll be ineligible for the top prizes, but c’mon, we have more important things to worry about! First, he’s not exactly looking to win the whole thing. He merely needs to catch Death Gun’s attention. Secondly, it’s just not worth the risk. It’s silly to assume he could even win to begin with since he’s never played this MMO before. As a result, why put your real name out there? You’d potentially endanger yourself and the people you love for no good reason. Nevertheless, our Gary Stu sorely wants to enter in his real name and address. He just couldn’t do it because Sinon checks up on him, so he panics. But dude, I’m totally going to win this PVP tournament! Uguu, mah top prizes!

– Oh boy, Kirito and Sinon will face off in the finals of the qualifiers, assuming they both even get there. Of course, he’s the Gary Stu and she’s the Gary Stu’s babe, so…

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– Sinon: “That’s why it’s almost entirely cut off from the real world. Because of that, it feels like the real me and the me that exists here are two different people.” Oh, okay. I don’t see how GGO is any more cut off compared to other online games. Nothing Sinon says really convinces me of this. More importantly, however, let’s not forget what this is all about: Sinon’s phobia. Despite being deathly afraid of guns in the real world — so much so that even a plastic gun makes her want to throw up — she’s, like, totally a different person in GGO. But here’s thing: even if GGO is cut off from the real world moreso than any other game — whatever that means — how does this affect the girl’s gun phobia? “Wow, I feel so isolated from the real world! I guess that means I’m no longer afraid of guns!” I mean, what? That doesn’t even make sense. It’s something that sounds fucking deep when you first hear it, but it doesn’t actually make any sense if you pause to think about it. There’s no causal link anywhere. How do you go from “MMO that is cut off from the real world” to “deep, unsettling phobia completely gone?”

– Look at all these people glaring at our Gary Stu. I’d glare too if I were them. Man, I gotta look like some sad fucker while our Gary Stu just randomly stumbles onto a rare avatar. This game sucks.

– Kirito actually covers his eyes when Sinon changes her armor right in front of him. Okaaaaay… I could see how this might be a problem if, y’know, he was staring at her real body. But it’s not her real body; it’s a digital body. This isn’t SAO where the VR unit had supposedly scanned their real faces or something. In GGO, your avatar might match your sex, but your appearance is still random as far as I know. Unless, of course, you want to tell me all those ugly characters we’ve seen are just as ugly in real life. Oh! You have a gap-toothed smile in real life, so let’s give your in-game avatar the same thing! My point is, this is equivalent to covering your eyes when you see any random MMO avatar without their armor on.

look away!

Uguu, avert your eyes, guys! This is so hazukashii~!

– Anyway, the truth is finally out. This Kirito ain’t no Kirito-chan. Let’s see how our gun-fearing sniper reacts…

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Ohhhhhh, you guys are so stupid. But who am I kidding? Even though everyone else in GGO gets a random avatar, I’m sure Sinon got the one avatar that looks exactly like her in real life! Right down to her measurements too! That’s why she’s so embarrassed about this!!! Like I’ve been saying for weeks now, SAO may pretend as though it’s in love with MMOs, it’s not actually about an MMO. Rather, it’s just some bullshit playground for some sad sack to act out his Gary Stu fantasies. Go play any MMO out there, and you’ll always find “naked” avatars dancing randomly in the middle of nowhere. Why? Because no one gives a shit. And why should they? It’s just an online avatar. But y’see, if SAO had been accurate, then we wouldn’t have our precious anime cliche where the girl slaps the guy because he saw her in her undergarments.

Shinon

God forbid you see my digital cleavage, which you could see anyway in when I put on my “battle armor.”

– In fact, she even says her GGO self is nothing like her real self! So is she only embarrassed for her GGO self? Is that what this is all about? Is her GGO self now ruined for marriage? Is her MMO avatar’s purity now defiled?

– Afterwards, Sinon wants nothing to do with our Gary Stu, but he continues to stalk her. After all, he needs a haremette in this MMO. He’s oh-so-lonely… Unfortunately for Sinon, there doesn’t appear to be an /ignore function in this game. But hey, that’s a highly advanced MMO feature. We’ll program it into the game one day, so please look forward to it.

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– Sinon eventually relents and will explain the bare minimum about how the tournament works. That’s nice of her. That’s also funny, ’cause Kirito’s employer threw him into this game without, y’know, explaining the bare minimum to him. That’s responsible of them.

– Sinon tells our Gary Stu she wants to teach him one last thing: “The taste of the bullet that means defeat.” All because he saw her not-real character in her underwear.

– Spiegel, aka Kyoji from the real world, shows up to chat with Sinon. How come his in-game name is so different from his real name? Meanwhile, Sinon is really Shino, and as we all know, Kirito is really Kazuto. I’ll never call him that, though.

– “And I don’t want you calling me by name.” Then why did you give it to him, dumbass?

– She then gets mad ’cause he said he’ll make sure to meet her in the finals… right after she had told him to get to the finals.

Jags_fan

What the fuck is wrong with this girl?

– Naw, it’s obvious. Y’see, you gotta follow anime logic. And in anime logic, girls are only ever this worked up about you if they actually like you. This way, all those times your classmates were making fun of you in real life, you can just pretend that they secretly had a crush on you! Likewise, Sinon has already fallen for Kirito. She just doesn’t realize it yet!

– Kirito: “Is it possible that she’s Death Gun?” C’mon, dude… one of your haremettes? Not even close.

– Why does Kirito’s battle armor even have that cape-like thing draped around his waist?

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What function does it serve other than to possibly slow him down?

– I like how the entire time Kirito is taking cover and planning out his next moves, his opponent continues to waste bullets by shooting at a pillar. Where are your grenades, buddy? I know this MMO has grenades. We saw them in the second episode.

– Ho-hum, our Jedi Master proceeds to deflect every bullet and stab the guy. The heavy use of slow motion was actually really lame. And why does his opponent have such a prolonged death rattle? Is this all part of GGO’s awesome immersion? Yo, when your character gets stabbed, he’ll let out this guttural scream for a good ten seconds!

– Holy shit, he’s still screaming. How long does it take to just die in this fucking video game?

– Oh hey, it’s our buddy, Death Gun!

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Oh fuck, it all makes sense now. Kirito’s a Jedi Master with a lightsaber. Death Gun breathes heavily like Darth Vader! Dude, your dad came back to life and is now playing an MMO with you! Then I bet Spiegel is like Emperor Palpatine or some shit. And Sinon is really Leia, a.k.a. his real sister he never knew he had, unlike Suguha, the fake-ass sister. I mean, c’mon, cousincest just doesn’t measure up to the pure, uncut incest!

– On a more serious note, Death Gun keeps asking Kirito if he’s the “real thing.” Man, don’t tell me Death Gun is someone Kirito knows from the previous two MMOs.

– Sigh, it’s someone he knows. That’s so fucking tacky.

– Kirito runs through all the potential suspects in his mind. Of course, they’re all guys. Yeah, Death Gun’s voice sounds male, but hey, you could do all sorts of digital trickery to alter your voice and appearance. Hell, just look at Kirito’s current avatar. Still, SAO has this weird hang-up where girls are never the primary villains. I remember one — just one — lady being a bad guy in one of the SAO arcs, but we’ve yet to see a female primary villain.

– Then naturally, even though Death Gun had taken such special care to conceal his true identity, a careless mistake gives Kirito a crucial clue:

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Oh, you guys remember Laughing Coffin, right? Y’know, the PK guild in SAO? Well, they’re back! And somehow, they’ve figured out how to kill people in real life! What will our Gary Stu do now?


Filed under: Anime, Series, Sword Art Online Tagged: Anime, Sword Art Online, Sword Art Online II

Mahouka Koukou no Rettousei Ep. 18: The Nine Schools Nightmare is finally over

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I have no words to describe just how badass Tatsuya looks right about now. You may think it’s silly for a guy to wear sunglasses at night, but it’s for our protection. Just one glance from his unprotected eyes are enough to impregnate anybody. Yes, even guys!

– First High has clinched the overall victory, so there’s a big party for all the students. But hey, where’s our Gary Stu? Miyuki tells her classmates Why, he’s about to take out those evil Chinese gangsters, of course!

– Some guy tells the chairman, “In that case, you should be well aware that the Yotsubas haven’t relinquished their claim to Tatsuya.” Their claim? They own him like an object? I mean, I already know he’s a robot, but this is quite… well, everything about this show is ridiculous.

– Apparently, the Yotsubas will become too powerful in the near future if nothing changes. Welp… Gary Stu character, Gary Stu family.

– “In terms of combat power, the Yotsubas are head and shoulders above the other Master Clans.” My dad can totally beat up your dad.

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– But man, let’s quickly take stock of the last five minutes. First, the girls stand around at a party and talk about Tatsuya. Then, we see Tatsuya sit and talk in two different cars. After the credits, two old men are now sitting around, talking about Tatsuya’s wasted potential. I’m not even exaggerating. It’s amazing how people will say that my criticisms are full of hyperbole, but, uh, are we watching the same show? Do you not see these characters sit around and talk all day?

– Six minutes into the episode, this conversation about Tatsuya is still going…

“However, Tatsuya, on his own, is an asset on the level of a strategic missile.”

– Seven minutes in–… oh god, the scene has finally changed! We’ve finally changed to a different scene! And… it’s just a bunch of people sitting around a table, talking about Tatsuya: “But right now our priority should be to get rid of that brat. Tatsuya Shiba, was it?”

– Finally, we see Tatsuya infiltrate the enemy base after wasting a third of the episode… well, no, not really. Our Gary Stu is so badass, he can strike fear into his enemies’ hearts from another skyscraper.

– I love how these guys all look the same…

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– Yeah, that’s right, our Gary Stu bullseyes the bad guy’s eye from a mile away.

– The bad guys order their underlings to take Tatsuya out, but Tatsuya already has full control of said underlings. They then try to contact the outside world, but they can’t. The guy with the phone just instantly disappears in a wisp of digital effects. Tatsuya has full control of everything! We may as well be watching a giant, bratty toddler stomp on ants. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: how can people enjoy watching someone so overpowered? What’s the fucking point? Even if I was writing about myself, I’d make it seem like I could die because it’s just more interesting that way. I mean, I know I’m going to win at the end of the day anyway, so why not at least make it seem tense? I gotta say, it takes a special level of insecurity to not only insert yourself into your own shitty story, but to make your character stomp everyone around him as well. Seriously, what are you so scared of?

– Tatsuya: “I’ve converged the radio waves. How I accomplished that is no concern of yours.” Really? You’re actually going to pass up on the chance to talk my ears off for once? No fucking way!

– Eventually, one of the gangsters promises to pull the No-Head Dragons out of Japan… forever. Yeah, stay out of our borders, you dirty foreigners! What’s with these English first names though? Douglas Huang? James Zhu? Then it turns out the big boss’s name is Richard Sun. Dick Sun, man. Dick. Sun.

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– In the end, this badass mission has, well, no action. Tatsuya just stands in one place and talks to the bad guys. Yes, the bad guys magically disappear from time to time, but that’s it. This entire arc has taken over two months to complete, and this is how it ends? With Tatsuya having a leisurely chat with the Chinese gangsters?

– Dougie Huang begs for mercy, because hey, they haven’t actually killed anyone! They were going to, but they haven’t! Still, Tatsuya has no room in his robot heart for mercy: “You people incurred my wrath…” Wait, wait, what do you mean, “you people?”

– Wait, wait, it gets better: “I was finally able to unleash this demonic power because you drew out my one remaining emotion.” HE DIDN’T WANT TO GET INVOLVED… BUT THEY PUSHED HIM… TOO FAR. Yeah, okay, a 12-year-old wrote this. I don’t care what his actual physical age is. He’s mentally 12.

– Then the girl next to him has to overexplain the situation: “Built as a weapon, the one emotion Tatsuya has left… His feelings for his younger sister, huh?” Gee, really? Man, I had no fucking idea. Thank god you were there to tell

– Afterwards, we get a brief glimpse of Jumanji’s Monolith Code event, but just a very brief glimpse. Eventually, we see the 101 Independent Magic-Equipped Battalion sit around and praise Tatsuya for a job well done. Well, talking is what this anime does best.

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– Now, they’re talking about Sorcery Boosters. Ugh. This is how it goes. After a very anti-climatic showdown with the Chinese gangsters, the characters proceed to sit around and talk about… I don’t even care. I really don’t.

– Apparently, Sorcery Boosters are made of human brains. I still really do not care, though, so… I’ll just leave it at that.

– Boring medal ceremony. Then yet another party for the kids. Oh wow, we now even have a cheesy insert song.

– He shares some words with the Crimson Prince, who has apparently recovered. Tatsuya even tells Miyuki to dance with the guy. Oh boy.

– But then all of the girls want to dance with the Demon God himself! So this is how this shit ends… with a bunch of corny ass dances.

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This is as close as you’ll ever get to a harem ending, but despite this, our Gary Stu looks positively bored as fuck:

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Meanwhile, Miyuki is not pleased one bit:

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Oh well, all’s well that ends–… wait, one more dance?!

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Uguu, Jumanji… right here in front of everyone?

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Ooh la la, a secret tryst in a garden. How romantic! You really shouldn’t have! There are even roses! It turns out the Ten Master Clans are just as insecure as our Gary Stu, so they don’t like it when someone shows them up. There’s one easy solution to this problem, though: just have Tatsuya join the Ten Master Clans. In other words, marry into one of these families. U…uguu, are you proposing to me, Jumanji-kun?

– Sadly, Tatsuya’s possessive imouto just has to show up and interrupt the two men’s pure, passionate love for each other. Fine, fine, I’ll dance with you too~! I’ll dance with all of ya! More shitty insert songs, please!

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Man, that’s a rather phallic fountain, don’t you think? But anyway, after 13 pathetic episodes, the “Nine Schools Competition” arc is finally done and over with. Christ, I need some liquor for this.


Filed under: Anime, Mahouka Koukou no Rettousei, Series Tagged: Anime, Mahouka Koukou no Rettousei

Aldnoah.Zero Ep. 5: War and peace

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Darzana: “Kaizuka Inaho. Hard to believe he’s a student.”
Kaoru: “Yes. He’s surprisingly useful.”

Welp. That Inaho just can’t be stopped, huh? Once again, Inaho single-handedly saves the day. Once again, Inaho is brilliant, and everyone else is useless. The latter is what really gets me. It’s one thing to make Inaho super-capable, super-intelligent, and super-composed. But the rest of the cast are either idle bystanders or useless fodder to be killed off. For instance, will Koichiro ever do anything in this anime? No, seriously, is he going to ever lift a finger? After all, he’s no longer these kid’s instructors. On this boat, he’s a lieutenant. Time for the lieutenant to step up to the plate. But once again, the guy’s war trauma freezes him in his tracks. Normally, this would be fine. I even feel for the guy, because I know war really fucks with people. But the anime isn’t doing anything with this particular plot thread. Every week, it’s the same, ol’ routine. Koichiro will say something cynical and depressing about life (e.g., “Maybe I am drunk. Drunk on my sad fate”), then we’ll see a scene in which he is unable to perform his duties. That’s it. No steps are taken towards any solution. No steps are actually taken in any direction, to be honest. I mean, shit, why not just desert the military and drink your sorrows away in some shady bar, then?

At the start of the episode, we see how Asseylum and Slaine had first come to know each other. He was drowning somehow — the escape pod he was in was flooded with water — so she had to give him CPR. Needless to say, this is anime, so CPR magically turns into “OMG MAI FIRST KISSU” instead of just, y’know, being CPR. In any case, present-day Slaine continues to put himself at extreme risk. This week, he even manages to seek an audience with the Emperor to inform the old man that his granddaughter is still alive. As such, His Majesty must call off this war and help save Asseylum! Sadly, Slaine continues to be Inaho’s foil. Inaho’s plans always work out perfectly, but on the other hand, Slaine’s best laid plans always turn to shit. He thinks it was the right thing to kill Trillram, but all this does is put a giant target on his own back as Saazbaum investigates the mysterious circumstances surrounding the baron’s death. Furthermore, Saazbaum had already gotten to the emperor beforehand. The count was thus able to warn the emperor of Slaine’s impending arrival. So not only does the emperor not believe Slaine’s words, he now thinks Slaine is a spy. He even calls for war again! Ah, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

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“Maybe it means the enemy isn’t as monolithic as it seems.”

Some soldier says this in response to the emperor’s sudden call for an armistice. Sadly, the soldier is wrong. Remember what I had said in last week’s post? That none of the antagonists were remotely sympathetic? That they were all one-sided in their badness? Oh, we were oh-so-close in this week’s episode. Oh so very close! At first, the emperor finds the princess’s death rather suspicious himself. As much as his underlings will try to convince him that the United Forces of Earth are the true culprits behind the princess’s death, His Majesty just doesn’t understand the logic behind it. How would it benefit Earth in anyway to assassinate a royal member of the Vers Empire, a nation technologically superior to all the nations on Earth combined? So at first, the emperor calls for an armistice, which pisses the Orbital Knights off. He even launches an investigation into the princess’s death. So I’m thinking, “Man, not bad. At least not everyone from Mars are complete idiots.” But like I’ve said, by the end of episode, he will have called for war again. Our emperor changes his position in a single episode. A single episode!

Maybe I wouldn’t have minded this so much if the story had taken its time. Maybe I wouldn’t have minded this so much if we could see Saazbaum’s subterfuge slowly push the emperor towards war. But no, war is back before you can even say, “Our great emperor, Rayregalia Vers Rayvers.” So we’re back to square one. The Martians in this story are still sadly one-dimensional. It’s funny to hear Vlad say, “You’re all the same, I see. Terrans. Impudent curs.” But it’s the Martians who are all the same. All they do is just act superior. There’s nothing remotely nuanced about their position. Even Imperial Japan, as cruel as their generals were, at least operated under the guise of liberating East Asia from the yolk of Western imperialism. There’s no such propaganda here. To the Martians, Terrans are all worthless shit: “Even as we feel intense shame in our common ancestry with you…” Seriously? The sad part is, their logic doesn’t even make sense. Vlad goes on and on about restoring his honor, but then he attacks our heroes during an armistice that his own emperor had called for. Where’s the honor in that, Mr. Badass Orbital Knight?

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In the end, I’m also a bit wary of the way this whole conflict is ultimately playing out. Yes, the emperor errs in believing Saazbaum’s lies, but he is nevertheless being lied to. And of course, the princess started out as a goodwill ambassador who is now desperately fighting for peace between the two planets. Who are the true bad guys? Oh, it’s the war hawks. It’s the military. The royal family, on the other hand, are good people and they just want peace! So in the end, our story still reminds me of Imperial Japan. After World War II, the official stance from both the Imperial Palace and the American occupation forces was that Hirohito was nothing more than a figurehead. Even though he was the emperor of Japan, his generals had kept him in the dark, blah blah blah. There are even claims that he supposedly opposed the war, reciting his grandfather’s poetry to support his position: “Since all are brothers in this world, why is there such constant turmoil?” Aw, isn’t that nice. But not everyone agrees. Numerous historians have argued otherwise: “…the thesis that the Emperor, as an organ of responsibility, could not reverse cabinet decision, is a myth fabricated after the war.”

In the end, who are we to believe? I don’t know, but as far as Aldnoah.Zero is concerned, Princess Asseylum and her grandfather are just caught up in a bad situation. People like Rayet and Calm may think the Martians are all bad, but the princess is really a peace-loving do-gooder, and the emperor is being misled! For the most part, the Orbital Knights are acting on their own accord, and since the emperor is old and often bed-ridden, he is like a religious figurehead. Oh, I’m not saying he has no power. Clearly, his ability to call for an armistice shows that he still wields considerable power. Still, that power isn’t being put to good use. The Orbital Knights are still calling the shots. Hell, when Cruhteo heard about the armistice, his first reaction was, “Over our heads?” It’s almost as if he wants to say, “How dare he! This is our jurisdiction!” Ah, poor Emperor Hirohito Rayregalia Vers Rayvers. One can only hope that history will look back and clear your name of all the wrongdoings committed by your military!


Filed under: Aldnoah.Zero, Anime, Series Tagged: Aldnoah.Zero, Anime

Captain Earth Ep. 18: Insert creepy flower pun here

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Oh man, you don’t know how many times I feel asleep during this week’s episode. But I think I owe it to a few folks to see this through to the end, so here’s the latest post.

– Daichi undergoes a test where we see how much energy he can output with his Livlaster. The folks on the Tenkaidou are disappointed to see Daichu only measure around 1.7 gigajoules. Teppei apparently didn’t do much better at 1.8 gigajoules. Why are these numbers important, you ask? “A minimum of 2.0 gigajoules is required to fire the boosted plasmagnum.” Plasmagnum. Plasmagnum. You can’t make this shit up.

– Meanwhile, Teppei is having a swim in the giant Tenkaidou pool. Why does this space station, which exists to watch for oncoming Kiltgang attacks, have a pool? Uh, why not? Yeah. The two operators we often see are also here to flirt with Teppei. Neato. Don’t hold your breath if you’re expecting this to lead anywhere, though.

– Everyone gets giant, uncomfortable-looking breasts! You too, lady! Especially because you’re old. But what are they doing here? Tsubaki heard that her daughter Akari and Hana were friends, so she just wants to have a quick talk with Hana. She then regrets that she she has only been a mother to Akari when it has been convenient for her. Hana, being the overly positive character that she is — I mean, ever since she stopped running away from Daichi — gives Akari’s mom words of encouragement, so they share a tender, mother-daughter embrace afterwards. The entire time I’m watching this, I’m thinking, “Gee, that’s nice, but uh… why don’t you just go and do the same with Akari?” I mean, when was the last time Tsubaki apologized to her daughter for the distance between them? And she goes and says those same words to Hana instead? That’s not fair.

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The truth is, it’s too safe and easy to say these words to Hana. It lets Tsubaki feel all motherly, and at the same time, she doesn’t really have to put her feelings out there and risk Akari’s rejection. To put it bluntly, Tsubaki’s a wuss. Yeah, I’m going in hard on the lady, but I have no sympathy for her position. I know Tsubaki has certain, very important responsibilities onboard the Tenkaidou. Nevertheless, I find it hard to believe, however, that there isn’t even a single person around who is capable enough to take over Tsubaki’s position for at least a couple days just so the lady can spend some quality time with her own daughter. I’ve always heard the following: no matter how busy someone might be, if they really want to be with you, they’d make time to be with you. Perhaps that explains Tsubaki’s actions more than she would like to admit.

– Daichi meets the creepy-looking Professor Canis, one of the people responsible for the Kivotos Plan. Needless to say, he is a staunch supporter of the Ark Faction as well. You also know he’s evil precisely because he’s creepy-looking.

– Throughout the episode, our hero keeps insisting that he isn’t a hero. Well, it’s good not to be arrogant, but c’mon, you’re fighting to protect the planet from alien invaders. It’s okay to call yourself a hero.

– On the trip back to earth, our heroes find out they’ve been sabotaged. So instead, they crash land somewhere in the middle of Nowhere, Australia.

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Considering how Tenkaidou also doubles as a place that houses thousands upon thousands of souls for the Kivotos Plan, I feel like the good guys should’ve seen this coming. Why wouldn’t you expect to run into extremists in one of their primary bases of operation? Westvillage adds that there are “[h]undreds of staff members… on the Tenkaidou.” Odd how we never see any of them.

– I hate these scenes so much. Sander is furiously typing away at his station as he screams, “The Flugel has crash-landed!” What the fuck are you typing? What is there to type?

– Boring exposition follows where Puck tells Amara and Moco that infinite energy output is theoretically possible if you can master the Livlasters. I mean, if you’re going to feed me exposition, you may as well explain your most outlandish statement. So how is it possible that the Livlasters can generate infinite energy? Go on. I’ve got all day. Unlike Mahouka‘s shitty explanations about magic that I give no shit about, I would just love to hear about the magic of infinite energy.

No? I thought not.

– Apparently, Kube has been a complete hornball as Kube, so his secretary is about to dump him any second now. Oh, that Puck… one taste of human sexuality, and he’s already turned into Tiger Woods.

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– Pitz is freaking out, because Hana is about to be in danger. We then cut to the creepy-looking Professor Canis, who says, “Pluck the flower.” Nasty, dude. She’s a child!

– Aaaaaaaah, even in the middle of the desert, Teppei enjoys a nice bento lunch that his admirers aboard the Tenkaidou had made for him. What’s that round, purple thing, I wonder.

– Hana asks Daichi about his mom. I hope it turns out she’s his mom. That would be great.

– Eventually, unmanned drones show up to attack our three kids. Yeah, unmanned. Even so, Teppei tells Daichi to prepare the eventuality that they may have to kill someone one day. But let’s be real: nobody ever dies in this anime. Nobody. Even when the Kiltgang attacked, nobody died. The Kiltgang are also practically mortal just so we can see the good guys blow them up over and over. Teppei makes it sound like the story can turn dark at any moment, but after eighteen episodes, this tiger ain’t going to change its stripes. Captain Earth is what it is, and it’s not going to allow its characters — even the primary villains — to shed any blood on screen. People die, but always offscreen. No, I don’t want the show to be as over-the-top violent as, say, Akame ga Kill!, but surely, there’s a middle ground somewhere.

– Sure enough, Daichi runs into a “tough” choice: Teppei’s mecha gets one of its legs blown off, so he tells Daichi to take Hana and run. In any other story, this would actually be a tough choice. But in magical anime land where Daichi can just pull a super move right out of his ass, the choice is simple: you leave nobody behind. As such, Daichi grabs his gun, leaps into the air, and fires off two beams of energy like so:

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I-i-i-infinite energy! Afterwards, he remarks that he had managed to hit 5.8 jigawatts in power. Neato.

– Officially, Daichi makes the decision to save Teppei because he doesn’t want to follow fate blindly, blah blah blah. I’m only including this for the sake of completion. Anyway, our heroes get out of yet another predicament for now, but the Ark Faction is still around to make shitty flower puns. We can’t have very many episodes left, so I can’t help but wonder how they’ll build to a finale from here.

– Yikes, this is apparently the blog’s 1000th post. It could’ve been special, man… it could’ve been special. But you ruined it, Captain Earth!


Filed under: Anime, Captain Earth, Series Tagged: Anime, Captain Earth

Akame ga Kill! Ep. 5: ESDEEEEAAAAATH!

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Tatsumi’s friends bid him farewell in a dream at the start of this week’s episode, but he doesn’t want them to leave.After all, they’re supposed to be tomodachis for life, yo. In response, Saya tells Tatsumi that he can’t rely on them forever, so that, uh, settles that, I guess. Tatsumi then wakes up from his painful dream and clutches his head. My only question is, why are we only seeing this scene now? In fact, why didn’t we see this immediately after the first episode? If there had been more evidence of Tatsumi being depressed over his friends’ deaths, at least his actions in last week’s episode would’ve made some sense. Oh well, here we are again with yet another Akame ga Kill! episode.

– This week, Tatsumi finds himself under Sheele’s guidance. I wonder if we’re going to run through the entire gamut before the story finally gets going. I realize the chosen hero has to get stronger, and believe me, I don’t like it either when the protagonist starts off overpowered right from the get-go. Still, that doesn’t mean we can’t set the actual story in motion. Seriously, I don’t want to watch Night Raid go on yet another one-off, throwaway mission. Who cares about some serial killer? Who cares about one of the prime minister’s dinky relatives? Let’s get to the meat and potatoes already. Let’s put a real plan in motion to take down the evil empire.

– Sheele puts the kid to task by having him swim in a suit of armor. We then learn that Sheele can’t apparently do anything right…

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…so how do we know she’s training Tatsumi properly?

– I like how even in the past, Sheele wore the exact same dress. Anime characters never change their clothes. Otherwise, the fanbase would stop recognizing them or something.

– Everyone’s got a tragic past, and Sheele does too. Somehow, this clumsy girl who can’t do anything right, can fight off a bunch of heavily-armed men on her own. I don’t quibble with the way she took down her friend’s abusive ex-boyfriend. After all, she stabbed him while he was distracted. But how on earth did she have the skills to fight off his friends as well? They take the time to train Tatsumi even though he was already a warrior to begin with. Meanwhile, this clumsy, shy-looking girl over here is jumping onto people’s backs like she’s in an Assassin’s Creed video game or some shit, and there isn’t any explanation as for why she has the physical capabilities to do such a thing. I mean, fine, she has the mental make-up to be a cold-hearted killer. I can see how someone could actually be born with such a innate trait. But c’mon, she can’t even bring food to people’s table without spilling it all over them, and you want to convince me that she’s a skilled fighter out of nowhere?

– Jealous that Tatsumi has been spending too much one-on-one time with Sheele, Bulat makes his triumphant entrance. Why do I get the feeling that he’s going to bite the dust? He’s close to the main character, but he’s not a hot anime babe. So if you kill him off, you get to maximize the tragedy points.

– Afterwards, Tatsumi gets to try on Zank’s Imperial Arms. Naturally, our hero uses it to see through the girl’s clothes:

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I thought he was going to use it to read some juicy thoughts, but hey, it’s anime so fanservice trumps everything. Again, however, undergarments are impervious to the Imperial Arms’ impressive powers, but don’t worry. I’m sure a doujinshi out there will take care of that.

– In the end, however, the Imperial Arms rejected him. Why? Shrug. Just didn’t suit him. Can’t be explained. Intangibles. You’ve either got it or you don’t. Insert generic sports commentary here.

– According to Mine, “They say the first impression an Imperial Arms has of you matters.” Oh, they have minds now.

– According to Najenda, the strongest Imperial Arms has got to be–… I’m sorry, but I just don’t care. Really, who gives a shit? Furthermore, haven’t we talked about the Imperial Arms enough in last week’s episode? Do we really have to sit around and talk about them again? Is this what fans really want? To sit around and circlejerk over the power of these made-up weapons? Man, I can’t help but wonder how many fanfics have already been written where an “original” character joins Night Raid and just has the most ridiculously overpowered Imperial Arms ever. Bitch, I can fly, revive myself from the dead, and vaporize people from a mile away. Oh shit, is that you, Tatsuya?!

– Najenda then talks about how the empire is seeking to conquer a northern race, because its prince is a brilliant strategist who has never lost a battle. Watch him proceed to lose a battle. I just know it.

Akame ga Kill! - 0513

– Tatsumi is optimistic he can find an Imperial Arms with the power to resurrect the dead. Naturally, he would use it to save his former friends. Bulat tells him, however, that there’s no such thing, which pisses Tatsumi off. Clearly, our hero is still hung up on his friends’ deaths. So again, why didn’t we see this before? Seriously? This would’ve made so much more sense two or three episodes. Instead, I’m just sitting here, thinking, “Why now? You had your fucking chance to mourn their deaths.” Akame even tells him to get over it, ’cause otherwise, his enemies will use the weakness in his heart against him. Against him! Like, oh I don’t know… last week’s episode? Remember? Remember when Tatsumi stupidly followed an image of Saya even though he had seen her dead body firsthand? Gee, this dumbass move would’ve made complete sense if our hero had been depressed this entire time!

– Afterwards, Tatsumi sits alone and stares at the starry night sky with a heavy sadness in his heart. We should’ve seen a scene like this in the second episode.

– He starts to cry so Sheele embraces him. I’m beginning to think this episode won’t have any action. Oh well, it would’ve just been cheap, ugly action anyway.

– Oh hey, it’s the prince from the northern race that we just talked about. And oh hey, we’ve jinxed him, because he’s just lost a battle to that “woman” that Night Raid had also spoken of. Gee, who would’ve guessed…? Anyway, the proud prince is now naked, forced to lick that woman’s shoes while his people are impaled on pikes all around him…

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– By the way, she is General Esdeath. Esdeath. With a name like that, I hope she dies and comes back as Neo-Esdeath. That would be killer. In any case, she apparently has the strongest Imperial Arms out there. The anime didn’t really explain why she’s so strong, though. All Najenda just says is that the woman can control ice. So? My fridge can control ice too, man. The woman then kills the northern prince with a single kick, disappointed that no one out there can satisfy her in combat. Hey… hey, have you met our main man Tatsumi over here? I bet he can satisfy you in combat. It’d be hilarious too if Tatsumi goes full Gary Stu on us, and somehow gets Esdeath of all people to fall in love with him. But honestly, that would be too stupid even for Akame ga Kill! It’d be the equivalent of Tatsuya’s aunt falling in love with him.

– It turns out more and more of the empire’s talented generals are defecting to the Revolutionary Army. But do they have Esdeath? Yeah, I didn’t think so. Not only that, the prime minister is calling Esdeath back just to deal with Night Raid. Really? A high-ranking general will be tasked with taking out a group of assassins? Plus, if she’s so fucking strong, why is she subservient to this disgusting, gluttonous fucker? In fact, they make everyone in this show strong as hell except for, y’know, the kid emperor and the prime minister himself. So why aren’t these generals vying for power? Why are they content to listen to these losers’ orders? I never understand it when evil, powerful people in fiction are loyal to weak bastards for no good reason.

– Tatsumi runs into Seryu, a member of the imperial police. For some reason, this lowly member of the imperial police also has an Imperial Arms, which is apparently a dog. Was this dog also forged out of orichalcum, too? I’m being facetious, by the way. But again, why would a random member of the imperial police just happen to have an Imperial Arms in her possession? Shouldn’t that raise Tatsumi’s suspicions? According to Seryu, they just gave her an Imperial Arms because no one else was compatible with the dog. But uh, so what if no one was compatible with the dog? You don’t just give a low-ranking officer a powerful weapon. My point is, Tatsumi’s already run into a crazy girl once. Aria, too, was cheerful and bubbly on the surface. I bet the anime dips back into this well again, and Seryu’s some sick, sadistic fuck too.

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– Oh look, the girl wants to avenge Ogre, the evil bastard from episode two. She is crazy!


Filed under: Akame ga Kill!, Anime, Series Tagged: Akame ga Kill!, Anime
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